Tom Cruise Has A Secret British Girlfriend

“I’m standing in front of the one that looks like I’m taking a hard dump, aren’t I? Goddamnit.”

Because Tom Cruise has a new movie out in which we’re supposed to believe a 54-year-old midget snaps the arms and necks of special ops teams left and right, here’s a story about his new British girlfriend that nobody knows anything about despite the fact that she’s apparently now living with the biggest celebrity on the planet. Seems legit. Via Us Weekly:

He’s been smitten ever since. The Brit — who the source describes as “very normal and pretty” — has taken to bunking with the Jack Reacher: Never Go Back star at his rental cottage on the outskirts of London.

Yes, “very normal,” is totally a compliment any woman would love to receive and doesn’t at all sound like it’s meant to offset the fact that Tom Cruise is a lunatic. Not to mention, he’s still in love with Scientology even though everyone who managed to escape it has thrown it under the bus. And since the church has meticulously groomed his lovers in the past, why would this time be any different?

“This contract is for a billion years. This can’t be right, is it?”
“Mr. Cruise would like you to know that you will be very well compensated. In fact, he should be sending you a mind-beam with all the details any second now.”
*presses fingers to temple* “I’m hearing a lot of high-pitched laughing, something about only the butt, and a promise to give Jamie Foxx dirty looks if I ever see him.”
“Fantastic, you received his full terms. So, we have a deal?”

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Photo: Getty

Tags: Tom Cruise