Tom Cruise Got Spanked By A Dude At Matt Damon’s Tranny Birthday Party

October 9th, 2012 // 23 Comments
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“YESSSSSSSSSSSS.”

Everything I just said in the headline but with more words and celebrity cameos. Via Page Six:

Cruise was spotted at Simon Hammerstein’s London club The Box to toast Damon’s 42nd birthday, along with “The Avengers” hunk Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton and party organizer John Krasinski. “Tom arrived solo,” said a spy, who added that the Hollywood heavyweights all “got paddled on their rears” by the club’s cross-dressing hostess.

Wow. Can you even imagine what that must’ve been like for Tom Cruise? For a few glorious seconds, he got to put his guard down and just be himself in a room full of his peers. No pretending he made the waitress give him extra ice with his mind, no making sure he gauged Matt Damon‘s height correctly and wore the right lifts. Just pure bliss as another man forcibly spanked his ass right in front of Good Will Hunting’s face before putting his mask back on. “Whoa, buddy, I like vaginas. Purple (Or are they orange?) vaginas. So don’t event think of meeting me up in my room later with that paddle later in my room where they’ll be money. You believe this guy?”

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. Spanked monkey.

  2. Best headline ever.

  3. Sounds like paradise for Mr. Cruise. You just know the dude that spanked his ass is tied up on a cruise ship somewhere right now.

  4. HackSaw

    Again.

  5. Dan Quayle

    Honkey leathered chaps hung his Wilbur against tea

  6. OK, stop me if you’ve heard this one. Tom Cruise, Thor, and cross-dresser walk into a birthday party……

  7. The Royal Penis

    Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction. Case in point.

  8. Cock Dr

    Any video of this gaytastic paddle scene? How about a couple of grainy stills? No? NOTHING?

  9. So, a regular Thursday night out for him then?

  10. Mohambi Johnson

    Anyone else think “paddled on their rears” was some old-timey British way of saying “they got drunk?”

  11. vosen

    I think it’s more surprising Damon’s 42! He looks like a kid in the Bourne movies, and he need to make more of them!

  12. Cruise: “Heh…heh-heh…heh…heh-heh-heh…Cornholio…heh…heh-heh-heh…”

  13. Tom Love Cruise Hehehheheheh…………………..LOL

  14. Cruise got up and said “you can be by wing man anytime.” Then the tranny said “bullshit, you can be mine.”

  15. At which point the robotic John Travolta Tom had constructed appeared, raped a masseuse, and the party really began.

  16. ghostfacemillah

    Can you PLEASE change the title of this post? Tr***y is an extremely offensive and transphobic word.

    I suggest you educate yourselves, because right now you look like ignorant, intolerant morons.

    More info: http://www.bilerico.com/images/Are-You-Transphobic-Infographic.jpeg

  17. KC

    You know what’s sad? I read that headline and didn’t even bat an eye.

  18. LA

    Agree with ghostfacemillah. Educate yourself and stop using incredibly dated and offensive language.

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