Tom Cruise’s Fake Butt Puts Kim To Shame

Tom Cruise has been called out in the past for compensating for his physical shortcomings. We’ve all heard stories that he wears heels in most of his movies because the guy is actually five feet tall. I always suspected that he had a little manservant follow him around with an applebox to stand on while he was with yowie-born Nicole Kidman. Now the internet is digging into a new mystery… dat azz…

The following clip from Valkyrie is making rounds on the Internet and raising some important questions:

  1. Is Tom Cruise ’bout dat #squatspo life?
  2. Is this some sort of magnetic forcefield generator to protect us from thetans?
  3. Can we touch it if we make a donation to the church?

I’m not going to speak in absolutes because I don’t want to go home tonight to find a cat nailed to my front door, but does it seem like a coincidence that Scientology chair David Miscavige’s wife Shelly disappeared shortly before filming of this movie back in 2006? Is Tom Cruise’s ass the perfectly dungeonous prison to hold dissenters of the great Xenu? Come clean, Tom…