Tom Cruise Left Katie Holmes For Another Woman, What An Entirely Believable Narrative

“Tom Cruise, did you just ask me if I have a penis?”
“Haha, yeah…”

When Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise we were lead to believe she completely blind-sided him leaving him “devastated.” (Which she did by the way because this thing was like an escape from goddamn Alcatraz. More on that later.) Except that narrative doesn’t make him look like a virile leading man whose appetite for women waits for no sense of decorum, so here’s the latest report that he’s already banging his Oblivion co-star Olga Kurylenko even though she has a vagina. Page Six reports:

Sources tell us Cruise and Kurylenko, 32, who plays his lover, have “a great deal of chemistry.” They were spotted last month filming in New York, smiling at each other and holding hands while the cameras rolled outside the Empire State Building. But Cruise’s rep insisted, “They are shooting a movie and they are actors — their chemistry on set is them acting. It’s their job.”

Gee, I wonder who could possibly be leaking this rumor. It’s not like there’s a massive cult out there who literally thinks Tom Cruise is a Telekinetic Space Jesus (Wait a minute, didn’t he work with Ridley Scott?) except oh, wait, there is. Via Us Weekly:

Scientologists mark the path to the “Bridge” with ascending grades or stages, and, Janet Reitman’s Rolling Stone story reports, Cruise is at the very advanced “OT VII” stage. Operative Thetans, Reitman says, have “have total ‘control’ over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings.”
The more advanced Cruise and other Operating Thetans become, Reitman reports, they reach a God-like state: “At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.”

So Tom Cruise can convert into an ethereal form at will and control the behavior of any living organisms? Wow, that’s why I keep finding myself bent over in the shower. I thought it was rickets.

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