Tom Cruise Left Katie Holmes For Another Woman, What An Entirely Believable Narrative

July 11th, 2012 // 58 Comments
The TomKat Divorce
Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Divorce
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“Tom Cruise, did you just ask me if I have a penis?”
“Haha, yeah…”

When Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise we were lead to believe she completely blind-sided him leaving him “devastated.” (Which she did by the way because this thing was like an escape from goddamn Alcatraz. More on that later.) Except that narrative doesn’t make him look like a virile leading man whose appetite for women waits for no sense of decorum, so here’s the latest report that he’s already banging his Oblivion co-star Olga Kurylenko even though she has a vagina. Page Six reports:

Sources tell us Cruise and Kurylenko, 32, who plays his lover, have “a great deal of chemistry.” They were spotted last month filming in New York, smiling at each other and holding hands while the cameras rolled outside the Empire State Building. But Cruise’s rep insisted, “They are shooting a movie and they are actors — their chemistry on set is them acting. It’s their job.”

Gee, I wonder who could possibly be leaking this rumor. It’s not like there’s a massive cult out there who literally thinks Tom Cruise is a Telekinetic Space Jesus (Wait a minute, didn’t he work with Ridley Scott?) except oh, wait, there is. Via Us Weekly:

Scientologists mark the path to the “Bridge” with ascending grades or stages, and, Janet Reitman’s Rolling Stone story reports, Cruise is at the very advanced “OT VII” stage. Operative Thetans, Reitman says, have “have total ‘control’ over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings.”
The more advanced Cruise and other Operating Thetans become, Reitman reports, they reach a God-like state: “At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.”

So Tom Cruise can convert into an ethereal form at will and control the behavior of any living organisms? Wow, that’s why I keep finding myself bent over in the shower. I thought it was rickets.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Burt

    Men and women can’t be friends?

    • FruitLoop

      There’s a whole movie based on that question. It’s “When Harry met Sally”.

      The answer is no, they can’t be friends, they will always end up fucking.

    • eatme

      friends with Olga Kurylenko? seriously?
      I think a google image search of Olga Kurylenko will answer that question.

  2. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Tom’s management team wishes he would react some other way when passers-by shout out “Who is a sassy little gay man?”

  3. El Jefe

    New beard contract time. yay

  4. Boy Blunder

    How do we know that’s a woman and not an asian dude with long hair, makeup and a padded bra?

  5. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    “An umbrella is just a closet you carry outside!”

  6. who cares

    It will be over in a year if she’s 32. HAHAHA

  7. Dan Quayle

    Zenu has wooden strap-on

  8. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    who cares
    Commented on this photo:

    BAHAHAHAHAHA…..dying here at that comment. LOL

  9. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    who cares
    Commented on this photo:

    Good lord….it looks like he’s going to start skipping around. haha

  10. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    punkcrash
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s a Cylon!!!

  11. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Keep looking all you want, honey, but even with binoculars I don’t think you are going to spot his heterosexuality.

  12. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Boy Blunder
    Commented on this photo:

    You had me at shorter than I am…

  13. Marie

    Is this serious? Thanks for the comedy relief though…made my day!

  14. Rico Jones

    I would leave Katie Holmes for this new chick too.

    • Schmidtler

      maybe so, but then, you’re probably straight, while on the other hand, TCLTC!!!!!

    • Kojak

      I would leave Katie for 4/5 of Holywood women, flat ass and flat nose, a 5 of 10. But he didn’t leave her, she obviously scape from his sci-fi dungeon. And now he wil get a ten years younger woman.

  15. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    mbcl
    Commented on this photo:

    “haha I still taller than you Tom Cruise”

  16. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Commented on this photo:

    “I know, right? I mean, great tits and all, but look at my jeans. Nothing. I’m more of an ass man, really and truly.”

  17. Cock Dr

    Scientology is obviously a money cult that appeals to self-hating gays and other mentally ill persons.
    Aside from that…..it’s just so so funny.

  18. JC

    You’d think that if he could control the universe with his mind, then the whole custody thing would be a moot point and Suri would already be on a Scientology Slave Boat in international waters.

    • Schmidtler

      Are you sure he DOESN’T control the universe with his mind? I mean really, he’s a 5 foot nothing flamingly gay man in his 50′s, and somehow, he keeps getting high paying jobs as an actor, cast as a suave, macho ladies man. He out-earned everyone else in Hollywood this year. WTF?

  19. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Commented on this photo:

    Seen here waving to the one fan they paid to show up.

  20. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Commented on this photo:

    “Why don’t you keep those clothes on, cut off that ponytail, put on a fake mustache, dirty up those fingernails, and then we’ll see where a bottle of schnapps and some cucumber sandwiches take us.”

  21. USDA Prime McBeef

    Fuck face can’t even liberate himself from the closet so I would be surprised if he can liberate himself from the physical universe.

    Oh and that is some of the highest grade malarkey ever dreamt up in the last 2000 or so years.

    TCLTC

  22. If I were gay, I would still bang Olga. She’s gorgeous with a hint of kinkiness. I’ve watched terrible movies based on video games to see her naked. (Max Payne and Hitman).

  23. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    TooCoo
    Commented on this photo:

    I never thought I’d share this in common with Tom Cruise, but, I’d LOVE to put it in her butt!

  24. peeeet

    If he had control over matter, why wouldn’t he just create a penis for Katie Holmes, then he wouldn’t have a problem….I think we know why she escaped.

  25. Dude of Dudes

    Oblivion huh? I didnt know the movie title about his current career status would be so literal. I liked “Midget Space Jesus” much better.

  26. Bane

    That’s the best the spin doctors can come up with?

    I think by chemistry, they mean pre-menopausal…..

  27. EricLr

    Well, he is a legendary cooze-hound.

    And by “legendary” I mean as in the “legendary” tale Perseus fighting Medusa, of course.

  28. Pat C.

    If Scientologists would really do those things, they could eliminate a lot of skepticism about their belief system.

  29. SSHGuru

    Way hotter than Holmes. Same height as Tom. And she looks naive.

    Perfect.

    • Kojak

      You wrong…
      She is taller than he. 5’8″…
      Tom, like always, is probably using his especial boots…

  30. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    saxxy saxton
    Commented on this photo:

    Very inconspicuous!

  31. Urbanspaceman

    Is he interviewing yet? Will Scarlett Johansson get another shot this time?

  32. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Kojak
    Commented on this photo:

    I wanna see their feet…
    He is 5’8″, she is 5’10″…

  33. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Kojak
    Commented on this photo:

    Tom is given her our NATO defense codes!!!

  34. TeeCee

    She’s gonna get some free Tech for that blow-job, or I’ll write myself to ethics. Mark my words.

  35. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Lord Invader
    Commented on this photo:

    “Cute guy at your 9 o’clock. C’mon, Tom, you can be my wingman.”
    “Bullshit! You can be mine!”

  36. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    cracka
    Commented on this photo:

    OMG!! Is that “The Naked Cowboy”?!

  37. Sliver

    I really hope this is just a bullshite rumor.

  38. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    hehe
    Commented on this photo:

    current contract up – check
    meet younger girl – check
    girl not huge movie success thus far – check
    enter new contract negotiations – definite check.
    draft prenup knowing contracted relationshop will end – check

  39. Tom Cruise Olga Kurylenko Dating Rumors Oblivion Set
    Sunil
    Commented on this photo:

    He is worth over 600 million.So he does not need money from selnilg pictures of his baby for charity or otherwise. YourUS weekly had put a price tag of 3-4 million on Suri before Shiloh was born and reduced it out of spite because they knew Tom would never give a rag like that any pictures of his baby.And please decent people do not quote US weekly! Notice that Brangelina’s fame is only due to the scandle they project and sleeze. Babel and TGS both bombed at the both office. Babel opened at number 22 and TGS #9.

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