Tom Cruise Was At Daughter’s Wedding, Is Lying To Nicole Kidman

“Motherfucker’s shorter than Asians. Shit ain’t right.”

Yesterday, reports started flying that Tom Cruise wasn’t invited to his daughter Bella’s wedding despite her close ties to Scientology. In fact, she’s the only daughter Tom recognizes because the other one essentially fell out of Hitler’s vagina in the eyes of the church. But then Tom’s people “cleared things up” by telling TMZ that everything’s cool, Tom paid for the whole thing, and none of the parents were invited because they’re just two crazy kids in love and wanted it to be private. So, naturally that had to be bullshit, and turns out it was because Page Six is reporting Tom really was at the wedding, and it was Nicole Kidman who didn’t get an invite – or even knew about it – because like Katie Holmes, she’s a space rapist, or whatever the hell a Suppressive Person is.

Nicole Kidman was not invited to daughter Isabella Cruise’s wedding last month, and the Australian actress had no idea the nuptials — a secret Scientology ceremony — were even happening.
We’re told devout Scientologist and proud father-of-the-bride Tom Cruise did attend the wedding at London’s Dorchester Hotel, despite reports he wasn’t there, and sources tell Page Six the date and location were arranged so the star could attend.
“The wedding was a Scientology ceremony,” a source familiar with the family told Page Six. “Nicole wasn’t there — she didn’t even know about it at all.”
We hear that Cruise had been in Europe before the wedding on Sept. 18, and “it was all arranged so he would be there, which he was.”

Of course, a simple solution would’ve been to say Nicole and Bella aren’t close instead of marring a young girl’s wedding with lies and subterfuge, but you’ll never get that from the church or it’s Space Jesus because that might involve people learning he had to cut his children off from their mother after the divorce because she has the same alien ghosts in her as “Napoleon, Hitler, the unrepentant killer and the drug lord.” (Actual quote from their website.) On top of that, I’m pretty sure Nicole Kidman isn’t shocked she wasn’t invited, but mostly because any sign of human emotion will shatter her face into a million pieces. It’s a mess to clean up.

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