Tom Brady’s #DeflateGate Suspension Makes Sense

You might think the fervor over #DeflateGate makes Americans, specifically football-boner Americans, the most trivial, side-tracked morons on the planet, but I would argue that it’s the defining issue of our time. After yesterday’s suspension of ball-throwing hero and waterpark enthusiast, Tom Brady, the Internet quickly pointed out that his punishment was twice the penalty Ray Rice got for knocking his wife unconscious with his fists. Via Mediate:

The NFL has announced its punishment of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for his alleged involvement in the Deflategate scandal earlier this year. He will be suspended for the first four games of the 2015-2016 season without pay. That is twice as long as the two-game suspension Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice received for beating his fiancée.

Sure, after the video surfaced and the NFL was punched into an elevator’s corner, Ray Rice got suspended indefinitely (less than three months) from the league, so justice was eventually served (Praise Jesus!), but there’s hardly any evidence that Tom Brady knew anything about the deflation of balls and the NFL couldn’t wait to suspend him. Not to mention the ESPN report that proved deflated balls would actually have been a disadvantage, or the fact that after the deflated balls were discovered, Brady had an amazing game using properly inflated balls.

The arbitrary nature of these punishments only highlights the fact that the ruling commission of what is essentially the bloodsport of our age will do anything to appear to have a moral compass. They’ve skated by chronic head injuries, DUI deaths, and beaten children with suspensions and public condemnations of this type of behavior, blah blah, but at the end of the day (FootballSpeak™) they’re overseeing an army of juiced-up monsters who’ve been treated like gods since they were teens. This is why football is so gloriously American. We’ll feign shock when these guys cheat to win, and clutch our pearls when they violently attack people off the field as if they’re monks who took the weekend off and beat a few strippers to death. We built the turd factory and now we’re complaining about the smell. It’s the line of logic obscured by “traditional American values” in the form of obtuse questioning like: “Why do all these poor people keep committing crimes?” “How could a person of such devout faith abuse their power in such a hideous way?” “Why didn’t she call the police when it happened?” Which are all at best insidious denials, and at worst victim shaming. And if you’re thinking “How did this turn into a rant about everything wrong with everything,” please remember we’re a celebrity blog powered by tit photos and there’s a picture of Tom Brady on a waterslide above all of it. We’re not saying we’re above it, we just recognize the shitty trough we’re all feeding from.

Photo: Splash