Tom Brady’s Getting His Own Movie

“AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT WHY I WON’T EAT STRAWBERRIES…”

When rumors started swirling that Ben Affleck doesn’t want to be Batman anymore, it wasn’t hard to figure out the reason why: Those movies are terrible. Just the fucking worst. It couldn’t have been more cut and dry. Except now Deadline reports that a movie about Tom Brady’s fifth Super Bowl win is in the works, which would also explain why Ben Affleck suddenly wants to free up his schedule. A movie about Tahmmy fackin’ Touchdown? Holy fackin’ shit, Chahleen, I’m so fackin’ hahd you can see it from fackin’ space. Jerk me ahf under my grandma’s Pats afghan.

The Brady book and film will chronicle the New England Patriots superstar’s come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI, but it’s not going to shy away from controversy and will include the team’s battle to overcome the Deflategate debacle in 2014, follow Brady’s fall from grace and then his triumphant return to lead the Patriots to his fifth world championship. That surprising overtime victory against the Falcons this month cemented Brady’s and Bill Belichick’s legacies as the top quarterback and head coach in NFL history.

But because Ben Affleck’s life is one flashing neon light telling him to kill himself after another, Tom Brady has someone else in mind to play him in a movie, and uh, this one’s gonna smahts. PEOPLE reports:

In May, the quarterback told Harper’s Bazaar that he’d like [Matt] Damon to portray him on the big screen in any upcoming movies. “I’ve seen him throw a football though, he definitely needs to work on that!” Brady told the magazine.

ben affleck smoking
“This is naht because of your tits. Stop saying it’s because of your tits. You’re fackin’ handsome. You fackin’ facked that nanny that one time. This is naht about your tits. Your tits are fine.”

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