Tobey Maguire has a baby

November 13th, 2006 // 84 Comments

Tobey Maguire and his fiance, jewely designer Jennifer Meyer, had a baby daughter last friday. And she pretty much got the shaft, because besides being the bastard child of an unwed couple, her parents are like the opposite of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Pitt and Jolie’s kid is destined to conquer the world with her good looks whereas this kid is probably gonna be forced to live in a cave in the mountains.


  1. #42 RichPort

    That is the fucking funniest thing I’ve read in a long fucking time (I used fucking twice to emphasise how strongly I feel about what I’m typing)

    Made me laugh out loud at work.

  2. i’d hit it, assuming she’s legal.

  3. a_wu

    Am I the only one who thinks she looks an awful lot like Paris Hilton before she became a freak?

    Exhibit A:

  4. RichPort

    #51 – She didn’t think so… needless to say, she starts to weep everytime I walk in with a jewelry box and a shotgun. Weird…

  5. Maybe the baby will be bitten by a spider and the legacy will live on. Spidey Baby.

  6. frangly

    I think they’re both cute.

    She looks Jewish. Since when can a woman only look attractive if she looks very WASP-y? Okay, yes, I recognize that that was the mainstream mentality here in the U.S. for generations, but haven’t we evolved past that? You’d think we’d be able to appreciate diverse manifestations of beauty by now. Not every woman need look like Jessica Simpson to be attractive.

  7. jrzmommy

    56–ethnic beauty is perfectly wonderful, but this chick ain’t beautiful period. Not even close. Big pointy ears, behemoth foreheads and large noses are not beautiful.

  8. ElatedPornStar

    @16: Oh, that’s terrible!

    Leave the poor whorsey alone.

  9. #16

    Seabiscuit 2! Funniest thing I have read all day. Thank you!

  10. Wasn’t this chick in the Harry Potter movies?

  11. frenchtoaststix

    She looks like Alfred E. Newman with long hair.

    #19 Jadis: You are so right on about all that, especially his breaking voice.

  12. marshmallow-dream

    #42 that is the most hilarious thing i’ve read all day! now stop with the overcompensating.


  13. Susan

    I would love to see a picture of the author of this article–how beautiful are you? Casting stones at a glass house?

    To assume that the Jolie-Pitt baby will be superior to the McGuire baby is ludicrous, as having a stable home life, caring parents, innate intelligence have a much larger influence on success than looks alone. Besides, who knows what either baby will look like as an adult? There are many celebrity kids that are normal-looking even though they have parents who are considered remarakble-looking.

    The statements in the article are petty and I think I’m done looking at this website.

  14. em

    #63 I’m sure your presence will really be missed. *huge f-ing eye roll*

  15. RichPort

    #62 – You’re still here? I mean, thanks for the props and all, but I think damnYELL needs a playmate. You’d be perfect for each other.

  16. Spunkbubble on J. Alba's chest


    Jessica Simpson attractive? Fuck that flat ass, buck-toothed bitch! Couldn’t you think of a better example of a WASPy bitch that looks good? Like Jessica Biel or Scarlett Johanssen? Personally I dig the the Latinas and Asian broads over the whitey’s any day. Always have, always will.

  17. beifiori

    She’s not ugly, she’s just not what we’re used to seeing on the arms of these actors who if they were just average joe’s instead of being famous (because in the looks department, a lot of actors are average)would be dating girls just like her…Even if she comes from money, I have to say I admire him for not going down the stellar looks but empty soul path…not everyone is caught up with superficial issues like boning the hottest girl…i mean, look at matt damon’s wife, she’s average and a bit pudgy even…for all of you knocking the girl for her looks, do you by chance look like the most beautiful stars in their prime? if not, why are you knocking this woman?

  18. hotguy

    #13, how dare you, how dare you, how dare you!!! Kirstin has thee most handsome face, a face i might add, that is eclipsed only by the Moai on Easter Island. Yeah, i like her many manly features. Kirstin and tobi in the rain, sweeeeet. Damn hot man action(drooling).

  19. hotguy

    oh its tobey. u bitches and ur spelling fascinations, lay off. c i corrected it!

  20. They do look like brother and sister.

  21. KelKel

    They look like fuckin hobbits.

  22. aurealis

    Really? I think that the Branjelina baby has no chance against Suri Cruise in a street fight. A street fight where their weapons are cuteness. But really; she’s either here to save us, or destroy us.

  23. EliasAlucard

    Damn, they’re both ugly as hell.


  24. radically4peace

    Surprisingly, ugly people make good looking children sometimes. When too hot people get together, that’s when you have to worry.

  25. Blog Lurker Guy Man Dude

    After battling the green goblin so many times, it was only a matter of time before they got together.

  26. BlacKScar

    Tobey is a great guy, and i think he will be a great daddy^^

  27. ha ha…..ugly baby]

  28. CAthie

    This chick is nasty looking, and he could do so much better… what the hell is he thinking… he is wasting a perfectly good career on a fugly bi!tch. Kirsten Dunst maybe average looking, but she is a step up from this pooch. You know that kid is going to be raised in a kennel…

  29. cathie

    Two ugly people NEVER make good looking babies, are you kidding me!? Yes the green goblin jajajjajajaja!!!!!!!!

  30. we live in a society where looks seem to be everything!

    at the end of the day Tobey and his then girlfriend could be just as good, if not better parents as Brad and Ange

  31. we live in a society where looks seem to be everything!

    at the end of the day Tobey and his then girlfriend could be just as good, if not better parents as Brad and Ange

  32. Nathan

    I think he is gay but the jewish media that he “works for, wink wink” wants him to appear straight so they take one of their own, a jewess, and make everything look all nice and normal. But certainly not pretty!!! lol

  33. sara

    Sounds like a bitter ugly person wrote this article. And many bitter, ugly people replied to it :)

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