“And so science theorizes that this Higgs boson particle- you know what this is getting way too complicated. Just touch their breasts, son. Ol’ Joe won’t steer you wrong.”
With God preoccupied exacting His revenge on Tom Brady for publicly humiliating his second begotten Son, Satan was able to score a touchdown of his own this weekend by hurling Tim Tebow deep into the sinful vaginas of Katy Perry and Maria Menounos thus proving his evil powers are clearly enhanced by Barack Obama being president. It’s pretty obvious. Anyway, at two separate events, Katy Perry dedicated a song to Tim, joked that her parents say “Hi,” and had giant breasts, so that’s a pretty open and shut case. However, now that he has a taste for human breast, Page Six reports that Maria Menounos may have also gazed upon his holy sceptre and received the true blessing of the Lord:
While Tebow politely chatted with many of the girls, one source told us that “he only seemed to have eyes” for brunette beauty Menounos, who was spotted “chatting to Tebow for over an hour. It looked quite flirtatious. They were taking pictures Tebowing together.” The two, along with a big group of friends, were the last to leave well after 2 a.m.
Then again, all of this sounds vaguely familiar:
Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”
“Although, I’m not gonna lie,” Jesus added. “Had you waved a giant pair of titties in my face I probably would’ve went for it. Maybe next time when I come back as a quarterback for the Broncos.”
And so Jesus and the devil returned to Galilee for milkshakes, agreeing that next time, more titties. For so it was written.