Full Disclosure: Even though a ridiculous amount of you wrote in, I really didn’t want to cover this story because it forces me to talk about two things that should’ve never been in the same place at the same time unless someone’s testing hydrogen bombs: Tila Tequila and Juggalos, America’s saddest punchline since the South. So on that note, let’s get this thing over with:
Seen above arriving at LAX Saturday, Tila Tequila claims to have been “attacked” while performing at the Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois Friday night and felt compelled to send TMZ pictures of her alleged “injuries.” “Injuries” so horrific, she waited almost an entire day to fly to LA, where the paparazzi were conveniently ready for her, before allegedly going to the hospital. But we’ll get to that after Tila’s sack of bullshit:
Tila gave TMZ a very detailed account of what happened, saying: “I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage.”
She went on to say: “These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!”
TMZ also posted a video of the alleged “attack” which raises even more questions because, surprise, it proves pretty much jackshit:
1. Why did absolutely nothing happen in this video?
2. No, really, why did I just watch a three minute and thirty second video of Tila repeatedly saying “I don’t give a fuck” while her bodyguards basically batted away everything that was thrown at her?
3. Where the fuck did Tom Green come from?
4. If Tila Tequila’s injuries were “spurting blood,” how was she able to board a plane with nothing but a Band-Aid covering her severe “injuries?” Did she use elf magic to increase its absorbency or has Johnson & Johnson finally harnessed the power of wormholes to cover up boo-boos?
5. Does TMZ realize the source of this story is Tila Tequila? Because a.) I feel like someone forgot to ask that during the editorial process and b.) I’m still convinced she’s a figment of my imagination.
Look, based on everything we’ve seen from Tila Tequila in the past year – fake pregnancies, fake lesbian engagement, fake multiple personalities, fake Shawne Merriman abuse, etc. – there’s no way in midget hell I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here. In fact, I don’t even believe it was her in that video and that little boy’s parents are going to be pissed when they see that shit. No, my theory is none of this even happened and she spent another Friday night masturbating in a shoebox before concocting a new scam to get her face on TMZ again. I dare you to prove me wrong.