Tiger Woods to bless us with his voice

February 17th, 2010 // 43 Comments

Tiger Woods is making his first public announcement Friday where he’ll pretend to have learned a lesson about whatever he did wrong. He’s not paid to remember these things. People reports:

“Tiger Woods will be speaking to a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates … at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida,” says the statement from his agent, Mark Steinberg, and his spokesman, Glenn Greenspan. “Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future and he plans to apologize for his behavior.”
In an interview, Steinberg tells Bloomberg: “Tiger feels as though it’s time to make amends and to publicly do that.”
Woods will not be taking questions, Steinberg says. A group of reporters will be allowed to observe.

The Superficial has obtained an exclusive advanced copy of Tiger Woods’ speech below:

Ladies and gentleman, members of the press, at this time I’d like to address the recent controversies surrounding my private life:

Just do it.

[Walk off stage. Collect $8 billion check from Nike. Stop leaving hookers alive after having sex with them.]

HE’S BACK, BABY!

Photo: Getty
superficial

  1. misterfister

    Yeah, so I cornholes a couple of whores..who hasn’t?

  2. Krystalk

    Go away Tiger!

  3. poopsmith

    25th!

  4. Tiger Wood and Jon Gosselin are going to start hanging out together. That’s what this announcement is all about.

    In other news, I’ve blown six loads since 6am this morning and I have more in me. I’m getting a little sore but that’s to be expected. Just need to load on on another gallon can of lard at Costco.

    Later,

    Mitch

  5. Do_Freebird

    You the man!!!!!!!

  6. Brian

    IDKW but I’d bend over for some Tigercock any time he wanted it. And I would let him give me a hot blasian injection of his baby batter. No worries about knocking me up Tiger!

  7. BEAM

    Is it cos I is Blasian?

  8. Tazt

    I can’t wait for this

  9. Jasmine

    That crack you made about not leaving hookers alive is just wrong. It’s a pig thing to say even in jest. Get a conscience dude.

  10. assman thought it was funny. lighten up. go to bible class for some serious sermons.

  11. Donkey Dong

    Stupid coon. He’s going to “apologize” for banging every caucasian skank that comes within a 10-mile radius of him?

    In other words, he’s going to apologize for being a negro athlete.

    OOGA BOOGA!!

  12. stupidass

    you mean he’s not blessing us with his cock like everyone else?

    i feel let down.

  13. shar

    Well maybe then we won’t have to ready the garbage from the tabloids anymore.
    He comes out, and you folks will move on. Anything from Tiger is better than this verbal diaherria printed in the media.

  14. Megan

    @9 Jasmine -

    Don’t you have a Sarah Palin book to get back to?

  15. Crusty

    #14, so your problem with Sarah Palin is that she is perhaps opposed to the indiscriminate slaughter of individuals based on their occupation.

    Yea, I can see your point – bad Sarah, very bad.

  16. Why are people busting on Tiger? In the jungle, monkeys behave like this — why should we expect more of a monkey who’s housebroken?

  17. Top Jimmy

    Every aboriginal culture is miseralbe & eats people, not just the dark continent…Caucs rule..always will

  18. is it going to be televised?

  19. Cartman

    The only thing Tiger (call me Cheetah) Woods is sorry about is getting caught.

  20. I honestly think that was coincidence. He has to announce by Friday that he is playing in the event his is supposedly going to play in. His schedule was pretty limited if he wanted to make an announcement before officially entering. The Accenture match play is still on cable networks until Saturday, anyway, isn’t it? And one would not think Tiger would espeically want to remind people that Accenture dropped him.

  21. Ew. TIger is dead to me.

  22. Perfect Double Tapered

    The only way he will win back my respect is if he wears a “Where da white women at?” tank top.

  23. Tiger is dominating at an amazing pace, but to call him the greatest that has ever lived is too early. He isn’t even close to Sam Snead’s career wins and is still 4 short of Nicklaus’s major tournament record.

  24. Looks like Tiger Woods is not the only celebrity who would benefit by converting to Christianity these days. Forgiveness occupies a central place in Christianity, but the predicate to forgiveness is repentance.ctors, film makers and writers have a long history of being attacked by the churches, and this is just another example,” Buckner said in a statement. “Ms. Lohan is in good company – many pop stars have been the target of the Catholic League’s indignation, including Madonna and Britney Spears. What Donohue seems to forget is that no one is being forced to buy albums or magazines, and that in America, churches do not dictate the content of popular culture

  25. hilarious comment :)

  26. Rough on ice

    So, what if im not ready to forgive him?

  27. flying

    Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He- is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at- Agemingle @ co–m a nice and free site for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to- interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends.

  28. Darth

    Where’s this Wonder Rehab where you come out automatically as being cured?!

  29. Galtacticus

    Talking about Tiger Woods,the only thing what those rehabs want to cure is their bank account.

  30. Nero

    @29
    he’d believe in the domino-effect.Once the bank account is cured,he’s cured as well.

  31. Laura

    i don’t understand how his sex life should be anyone’s problem, though. he’s a cheating asshole, well, that’s between him and his wife. he likes to sleep with lots of women, well, who doesn’t like to fuck around? those women feel used or whatnot? shouldn’t have slept with an idiotic celebrity who clearly isn’t going ever going to care for them. ever.

    maybe i haven’t been following the matter closely enough, but it sounds a bit like the clinton-lewinsky affair. why should the public have anything to say on other people’s private lives? even if he lied, i don’t see how it concerns us.

  32. Gando

    These people just don’t give a sh*t about you unless it’s your wallet.So don’t play like you’re walkin’ the enlightened path.

  33. His Huge Greatness Himself

    It’s sneakiness and hypocrisy what supreme beings truly despise folks.

  34. She is going to take him for everything.. Poor Tiger.. Tiger wood #uBUNZ http://www.ubunz.com

  35. captain america

    psssssst, AND SOME AMERICAN GIRLS WITH HIS PENIS!!

  36. whoprey

    Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at====== Agelessmatch.com ====== a nice and free site for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends.

  37. I seriously had enough of this dude. No one cares..

  38. Sometimes, temptations are hard resist. Wood is human too and he is right, when it comes just do it – lol.

  39. TW Jackson

    I still cant believe what Tiger did. He has a wife and if he wanted sex he should have just gotten it from her. If he was not attracted to her then he should have just gotten a divorce.
    Regards, TW Jackson

  40. Everyone just needs to leave tiger woods alone. Yeah we all know he made some big mistakes but he is a human just like everyone else. He is allowed to mistakes and be forgiven.
    http://www.theofficialmagicofmakingupreview.com/

  41. Tiger is the best golfer so hes allowed to make mistakes…lol
    http://www.matthustonreview.com/

  42. Matt Huston

    I also want to add that just because he didnt care for his wife he should have not done what he did. She is also the one to blame for this because she could have tried to make him happy so he would not do something like this.
    http://www.twjacksonreview.com/

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