Tiger Woods is making his first public announcement Friday where he’ll pretend to have learned a lesson about whatever he did wrong. He’s not paid to remember these things. People reports:
“Tiger Woods will be speaking to a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates … at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida,” says the statement from his agent, Mark Steinberg, and his spokesman, Glenn Greenspan. “Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future and he plans to apologize for his behavior.”
In an interview, Steinberg tells Bloomberg: “Tiger feels as though it’s time to make amends and to publicly do that.”
Woods will not be taking questions, Steinberg says. A group of reporters will be allowed to observe.
The Superficial has obtained an exclusive advanced copy of Tiger Woods’ speech below:
Ladies and gentleman, members of the press, at this time I’d like to address the recent controversies surrounding my private life:
Just do it.
[Walk off stage. Collect $8 billion check from Nike. Stop leaving hookers alive after having sex with them.]
HE’S BACK, BABY!