Tiger Woods made love children and sex tapes. Of course.

Based on his new hobby of banging 800 cocktail waitresses and porn stars without a condom, it was inevitable Tiger Woods would be caught on tape not only doing one but fertilizing her eggs with his magic golf sperm. The National Enquirer reports:

“That would be the final straw for his wife – AND Tiger knows it,” said an insider. “But there is definitely more than one woman out there who could come forward to say she had his babies.”
To make matters even worse, the 33-year-old sports star is reportedly worried that a lurid sex tape could appear and wreck his desperate attempts to cling onto the wreckage of his marriage to beauty and ex-model Elin Nordegren who has just bought a $2 million mansion in her native Sweden as a fail-safe escape house in case the marriage disintegrates.

Tiger’s plan so far has been to buy these women’s silence, but since he’s a poon-thirsty idiot, he probably never even planned for this scenario:

ELIN: Honey, come look at this cute kid golfing on Leno. He just sank a 20 yard pu– Wait a minute….
TIGER: *locks panic room door*