Tiger Woods made love children and sex tapes. Of course.

December 9th, 2009 // 117 Comments

Based on his new hobby of banging 800 cocktail waitresses and porn stars without a condom, it was inevitable Tiger Woods would be caught on tape not only doing one but fertilizing her eggs with his magic golf sperm. The National Enquirer reports:

“That would be the final straw for his wife – AND Tiger knows it,” said an insider. “But there is definitely more than one woman out there who could come forward to say she had his babies.”
To make matters even worse, the 33-year-old sports star is reportedly worried that a lurid sex tape could appear and wreck his desperate attempts to cling onto the wreckage of his marriage to beauty and ex-model Elin Nordegren who has just bought a $2 million mansion in her native Sweden as a fail-safe escape house in case the marriage disintegrates.

Tiger’s plan so far has been to buy these women’s silence, but since he’s a poon-thirsty idiot, he probably never even planned for this scenario:

ELIN: Honey, come look at this cute kid golfing on Leno. He just sank a 20 yard pu– Wait a minute….
TIGER: *locks panic room door*

superficial

  1. Taz

    this is getting good

  2. whattheshit

    Never cared much about Tiger Woods, but after seeing pics of all the chicks he’s banged, I think he may be a positive role model.

  3. StEve

    primero

  4. woah

    DAMN another porn star! Holly Sampson and Joslyn James.

    Wonder if he did Briana Banks and Tera Patrick too.

  5. cc

    If the sex tape is true, Elin and a LOT of his money are gone for good. As are his sponsors. If the tape and the babies is true…no rep, no wife, no sponsors, and no fuckin’ money either. I always thought he was an arrogant fucker who took himself way too seriously, but now he is starting to look like something altogether worse. A stupid fuck who is arrogant and takes himself too seriously.

  6. no one could really relate to a highly successful, mega rich, athlete at the top of his game but I think all of this will actually make him liked by more people in a weird way. he’s more relatable now.

  7. StEve

    Tiger should be nervous if he banged Jenna Jamison as well…..Tito might be pissed.

  8. cc

    Who the f*** is Josyln James?

  9. dude

    @ #8

    she’s a pornstar in pics 4, 8, 12 and 16

  10. sarah

    @6 – please. more relatable? if it had been one woman, maybe. maybe. but this is out of control. he looks like a complete creep. before he was a role model for everyone, a great story of success over adversity in a sport that had basically zero people of color even participating, let alone winning. he came from nothing to become one of the greatest sports figures of our time, or any time for that matter.
    now who is he? just another pathetic scumbag.

  11. Oveta

    @10 – Do people still not love Wilt Chamberlain?

  12. Jon H

    You know, apart from the porn chicks, Tiger is giving Jon Gosselin a run for his money in the ‘king of mediocre trim’ stakes.

  13. DuncantheAsshole

    The sex tape would never be released unless tiger sighned off on it and that will obviously never happen

  14. Jon

    I agree with #6 in a way.

    I guarantee the black community will start to love Tiger now, anytime a black is in trouble it makes them more appealing to them for some reason, cheating on you’re wife give you cred right?

  15. AZrock

    As a black man or “brutha” this shite is kinda sad. I am in law school and just with that have had better trim this {Cablanasian}. None of the chicks are ethnic in anyway. No asians, latinas, blacks, persians etc., just Skanky white broads, not dissing white women, but dude, you are Freakin Tiger Woods, for whatever that means you could be banging out hardcore hotness, yet settle for porn stars and chicks you meet at the Waffle House. Since you are not really black as you claim to be, I have no sympathy for you black ass. I hope that Nordic chick takes you for all that you are worth. I mean if you were not Tiger Woods, would your ugly ass have even pulled that Thor-like wife of yours anyways??? If you wanna fuck around, why get married, look at Derek Jeter, George Clooney, other men of famous stature, un-married because they know that they will be pulling azz for years to come, so why fuck it up with marriage when you are doing nuttin put giving $$$ away because you know you can’t keep it in your pants… stupid ass!

  16. mamamiasweetpeaches

    Who are all these women bangin Tiger Woods?? Tiger Woods! Not even good looking. If he was the guy who drove your neighborhood UPS truck you wouldnt look at hime TWICE, Ladies. Dangle a little fame and money and the whores come a’runnin! It almost makes me ashamed to be a woman!

    I wouldnt screw Tiger Woods on My Drunkest Day!

  17. Donnie Brassballs

    With all this poontang, how did he ever get to play golf???

  18. great success

    TIGER WOODS IS LIVING OUT EVERY MAN’S DREAM WITH THE VOLUME OF GIRLS HE GETS

  19. havoc

    Only one thing wrong with this article.

    Golf is not a sport.

    .

  20. Danklin24

    I’m so fucking tired of Tiger Woods on this website. Bring on the celebrity titty shots and nipple slips. I could give two shits who Tiger Woods has put his wood into.

  21. Dude of Dudes

    @12 You know, apart from the porn chicks, Tiger is giving Jon Gosselin a run for his money in the ‘king of mediocre trim’ stakes.

    If we all pool our money and buy him an ATV I think we can help him clinch it!

  22. the biotch

    @Danklin24 did you know that you are not actually required to read every article you see on this site? what’s the matter, you miss speidi and paris and blowhan and gosselin and kate and britney?

    this is actually news. all those others are just self created media circuses compared to this.

  23. Mr.Mr.

    #15 Just got co-signed.

  24. dude_on

    This is exactly what would happen if most men had a billion in the bank. We can argue about why he got married etc. but he did, and he also screwed every third Caucasian woman on the planet. An average looking dude with worldwide fame and a billion bucks can screw anything he wants. This has been theorized for generations and is now known science. At this point we should just enjoy fish bringing us the Tiger whore clan in their various dress and poses. All of the esoteric blabbering isn’t going to change the fact that we have porn stars and naked skanks to gawk at thanks to Tiger. Life is all about silver linings and/or porn starts in lingerie. Sometimes you just have to make the best of a bad situation.

  25. mckinzzz

    Hey it worked for Bill Clinton…. He messed up and now people love him more than ever. Just give it time, last month was Jon Gosslin, this month Tiger Woods, next month who knows.

  26. mckinzzz

    Tiger just gave a whole new meaning to the term “Golf Clap”

  27. crazypants

    Seriously, this should have little effect on his career and sponsorships, if his sponsors were honest w/ themselves they know that Tiger’s fanbase is 98% male golf fans.

    99.5% of those male golf fans not only would love to play like Tiger and play the courses Tiger plays, but they also very much would’ve fucked the shit out of any of these women who’ve come out of the Wood-work(heh).

    Tiger is a bonafide idiot for marrying when he knew damn well that he was a relentless pussy-hound. And he’s also an idiot for not making clear to any woman he married that he would fuck everything that came his way. If somehow he didn’t know he was an inveterate pussy hound until after he married, he should’ve upon discovery of this fact quietly and amicably divorced Elin and given her boat loads of money to be civil about the breakup.

    He could still be a good dad to his kids, even though he’s a bare-backin’ slut-banging idiot, and as a single man no one would blink an eye at the number of women he’s banging.

  28. PAUL STARR

    DANG YOUR A PIG MAN A REAL PIG

  29. Tiger is my new Idol…… kind of… except the I would use condoms..!

  30. Crusty

    Hell yea Elin is moving to Sweden.

    There’s no death penalty there..

  31. Fribble

    ” 29. Hayzues – Tiger is my new Idol…… kind of… except the I would use condoms!”

    No, you wouldn’t. That is, if you’ve ever laid a woman and actually know what they feel like.

  32. How stupid can this guy be?

  33. Justin

    I like Tiger even more now! A fine role model!! work hard and play hard!!

  34. Inmate #2648927

    Did he do Hillary Clinton?

  35. Deanna

    How did Tiger not know this would be exposed? Kinda makes me wonder… I don’t think anyone could be that stupid

  36. It'sOvah, yo

    Whoa. Tiger has really f***ed up. While I agree many men would do this if they had the cash, Tiger’s image was based a LOT on how perfect he was. Now, will anyone ever think of him the same way again? No way. Every time he steps up to the tee I’ll be thinking about whatever sleazy cocktail waitress he was doing. Will he lose a lot of sponsors? Probably not because he’s still a good golfer. BUT his image is tarnished forever.
    @AZrock–LOL! RIGHT ON. Tiger is not only cheater, he’s STUPID for picking the kind of women he did. Of course they’re going to run to the media. Also, he’s a racist.. doesn’t like women of color at all, obviously.
    @Mamamiasweetbeaches-double LOL LOL! I always thought Tiger was butt ugly. Ugh. The women probably had to close their eyes or turn out the lights during sex.

  37. EricLR

    He just doesn’t understand that there are some holes you just *do not* want to swing for.

  38. Kate

    I would say Tiger probably just has an average penis, like maybe 6 inches or so, hopefully thick though

  39. Chupacabra

    at first, everyone was like, “who HASN’T he fucked,” and you ask the question, was I ever so drunk that I accidentally ended up in bed with Tiger?

    …then you realize, I have a better face than that.
    sweet.

  40. crazypants

    To all those who say he’s racist – why? Because he only bangs outside of the 6 races that he’s made of?

    Why is it not racist to bang someone who looks like you, but racist to bang someone who doesn’t?

    Would you really feel better about Tiger if he would only fuck Black chicks? OR Asian chicks?

    How about he fucks Black chicks raw, but wears a condom when he fucked White women – is that cool?

  41. Chupacabra

    at first, everyone was like, “who HASN’T he fucked,” and you ask the question, was I ever so drunk that I accidentally ended up in bed with Tiger?

    …then you realize, I have a better face than that.
    sweet.

  42. Chupacabra

    The bigger you are, the harder you fall. And he was super big, and he has yet to splat all over the pavement known as full disclosure.

    Did he fuck Monica Lewinsky, too? Jesus, he got around.

  43. Chupacabra

    The bigger you are, the harder you fall. And he was super big, and he has yet to splat all over the pavement known as full disclosure.

    Did he fuck Monica Lewinsky, too? Jesus, he got around.

  44. Chupacabra

    The bigger you are, the harder you fall. And he was super big, and he has yet to splat all over the pavement known as full disclosure.

    Did he fuck Monica Lewinsky, too? Jesus, he got around.

  45. Paragon

    Obviously he never had a proper father figure because a real Dad tells you the truth about women. Then he would have never believed that they wouldn’t all come forward and destroy him one day.

  46. Delgo

    Nice one, fish

  47. niv

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  48. Wide World of Poon

    To answer the question you are all asking: “Would *I* do them?”

    Chick #1, probably
    Chick #2, yes. I’ve seen other pictures of her, and she’s very do-able.
    Chick #3: Repeatedly, from as many angles as possible.
    Chick #4: No. I draw the line at women with menus tatooed to their thigh.

    Now, back to work – all of you.

  49. PunkA

    Name the last time a bunch of dudes came forward and talked about their sexcapades with the same chick. Oh you mean, it never happens. Yeah, women are whores, and then they talk for more $$. Chicks should be embarrassed by this whole thing. Tiger is a jackass, but the woman he cheated with are now worse.

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