Tiger Woods had a shitty holiday

For the five of you unaware, early Friday morning Tiger Woods drove his Escalade into a neighbor’s tree while high on painkillers and/or having just had the shit kicked out of him by his golf club-wielding wife Elin thanks to a National Enquirer story claiming he banged A-list event planner Rachel Uchitel. No one’s entirely sure what occurred considering the crash happened at two a.m right after Thanksgiving, but after ducking interviews with the police three times this weekend, the Florida Highway Patrol are now looking to obtain a search warrant and file charges against both parties despite Tiger’s attempt to whitewash the incident on his website. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ the Florida Highway Patrol is now focusing on obtaining a search warrant — allowing them to seize medical records from the hospital that treated Tiger Woods — in an attempt to determine if the wounds Woods sustained are consistent with a car accident or domestic violence.
And there’s more … although alcohol was not involved, Tiger was in and out of consciousness and TMZ has already reported Tiger told a friend he was taking prescription meds for pain, which could be evidence of DUI. This, too, could constitute probable cause to obtain a warrant.

However, considering Tiger Woods’ documented hatred of the press and the fact he could buy the Florida Highway Patrol a fleet of fighter jets, the incident is likely to blow over soon. Rachel Uchitel has already hired high-powered attorney Gloria Allred to sue the National Enquirer after publicly calling the story “bullshit,” and Tiger spoke to a friend on Friday to reveal how he’s going to smooth things over with Elin so she doesn’t shove golf tees in his urethra while he’s sleeping:

During the phone conversation on Friday, Tiger told his friend, “I have to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.'” The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a “Kobe Special” was. The reply — “A house on a finger.”
During the conversation, Tiger said his wife had “gone ghetto” on him.

I love how Tiger Woods decided to compare himself to an alleged sex offender instead of mentioning he got his ass kicked by a Swedish model. “Hmm. Rapist or my own wife hit me in the face with a golf club? God, this is a tough one…”

Photos: Getty, Splash News