Tiger Woods had a shitty holiday

November 30th, 2009 // 108 Comments

For the five of you unaware, early Friday morning Tiger Woods drove his Escalade into a neighbor’s tree while high on painkillers and/or having just had the shit kicked out of him by his golf club-wielding wife Elin thanks to a National Enquirer story claiming he banged A-list event planner Rachel Uchitel. No one’s entirely sure what occurred considering the crash happened at two a.m right after Thanksgiving, but after ducking interviews with the police three times this weekend, the Florida Highway Patrol are now looking to obtain a search warrant and file charges against both parties despite Tiger’s attempt to whitewash the incident on his website. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ the Florida Highway Patrol is now focusing on obtaining a search warrant — allowing them to seize medical records from the hospital that treated Tiger Woods — in an attempt to determine if the wounds Woods sustained are consistent with a car accident or domestic violence.
And there’s more … although alcohol was not involved, Tiger was in and out of consciousness and TMZ has already reported Tiger told a friend he was taking prescription meds for pain, which could be evidence of DUI. This, too, could constitute probable cause to obtain a warrant.

However, considering Tiger Woods’ documented hatred of the press and the fact he could buy the Florida Highway Patrol a fleet of fighter jets, the incident is likely to blow over soon. Rachel Uchitel has already hired high-powered attorney Gloria Allred to sue the National Enquirer after publicly calling the story “bullshit,” and Tiger spoke to a friend on Friday to reveal how he’s going to smooth things over with Elin so she doesn’t shove golf tees in his urethra while he’s sleeping:

During the phone conversation on Friday, Tiger told his friend, “I have to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.’” The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a “Kobe Special” was. The reply — “A house on a finger.”
During the conversation, Tiger said his wife had “gone ghetto” on him.

I love how Tiger Woods decided to compare himself to an alleged sex offender instead of mentioning he got his ass kicked by a Swedish model. “Hmm. Rapist or my own wife hit me in the face with a golf club? God, this is a tough one…”

Photos: Getty, Splash News
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  1. wonders

    Seems like people are finding humor in Tiger getting beaten by his wife.

    Were people this supportive when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna? Or is cheating a good reason to engage in domestic violence in general? Maybe if Rihanna had cheated, Chris Brown would have been justified in beating the holy hell out of her? Right? Oh yeah it’s wrong to hit a woman but not a man. I forgot. That’s why domestic abuse is only a crime when the husband beats up a wife. When its the wife beating up the husband, it’s fodder for late night jokes and internet comedians.

  2. True Dat Peeps

    #21 Duke Steele
    Hit that right on the head my brother. You can take a coon outta the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto outta the coon. Besides Tiger (name given to him in an attempt to cover his gayness) is a closet homo anyways, which proves that chicks like diggin’ on fags, always tryin’ to seduce ‘em in whatnot, tryin on teddies in front of ‘em, talkin’ about schlongers, etc

  3. edge6241

    “There is a lot of speculation whether or not Tiger cheated on her, and yet all of these celebrity blogs are calling HER crazy. If my husband cheated on me, he’d have a lot more than just face lacerations.”

    Glad you feel this way. If you ever cheat will your husband have free range to beat you up as well?

    I mean I know like all of us here, none of us were outraged when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna as domestic abuse is never frowned upon. Oh wait. You mean it is? Well it must only apply to when a husband beats up a wife and not the other way around.

    Right?

    What do you mean the law says domestic abuse can come from a husband beating up a wife and a wife beating up a husband? Well then why do we laugh at one and condemn the other?

    Oh I get it. It’s because people are morons.

  4. edge6241

    “There is a lot of speculation whether or not Tiger cheated on her, and yet all of these celebrity blogs are calling HER crazy. If my husband cheated on me, he’d have a lot more than just face lacerations.”

    Glad you feel this way. If you ever cheat will your husband have free range to beat you up as well?

    I mean I know like all of us here, none of us were outraged when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna as domestic abuse is never frowned upon. Oh wait. You mean it is? Well it must only apply to when a husband beats up a wife and not the other way around.

    Right?

    What do you mean the law says domestic abuse can come from a husband beating up a wife and a wife beating up a husband? Well then why do we laugh at one and condemn the other?

    Oh I get it. It’s because people are morons.

  5. Vangogh

    #36..The fact that you are a bigot and a racist goes to show that you zero credibility as a person. You made it perfectly clear the only reason you do not like Tiger is because he married a white Nordic woman and he is black. You are disgraceful POS. I feel sorry for anybody that associates or belongs to you.

    yeah..I’m sure you would. LOL…tough FAT guy in mommy’s basement eating ho hos and twinkies…..It’s obvious that your education level is that of an ant. Can you write in coherent sentences or just blab along like the juvenile that you are?

    No, no Tiger posters in my basement….just the fact that a man’s privacy is a man’s privacy, no matter who you are….

    You are a waste of human sperm and space. Go burn some crosses in some yards you redneck racist punk!

  6. cc

    edge6241, funny where I live there was a story a few years back about some girls walking down the street and she was being hollered at by some guys. She got mad and walked up to a guy and slapped him. Ooops, wrong guy! So he charged her with assault. The local papers, the news, everyone had a good laugh at his expense. There is a HUGE double standard for this type of thing.

  7. Vangogh

    It’s amazing the racist idiots and education level of some of these posters. It’s people like you that have turned this country into pussifiedAmerica. It’s these people that are costing us billions of dollars in order to cover the costs of their stupidity and retardness.. It’s these people who should be put to death immediately so that the world IQ could raise a several hundred points!

    BTW, Tiger never grew up in the ghetto losers!

  8. JungleRed

    @12 and 15: Vangogh and Smarm (same person). What are you like Woods’ mom or the president of his fan club? Since you seem to have a major chubby for him, this is your lucky day. I hear he might be single soon.

    @40: Animals also shit out in the open, are hunted for food and sport, subjected to starvation and random violence, and generally have a poor quality of life compared to humans. Way to aspire, asshole.

    @43: Agreed.

  9. shar

    Tiger, started with a hole in one, then got greedy and tried for the second.

  10. Vangogh

    Not the same as swarm morons….

    Nope, not his mom, nor his fan club prez…just a fan.

    What gives loser jerkoffs such as yourself the right to judge a man based on probably false allegations by a RAG magazine that only reason for existence is to sell mostly false and salicious stories…..get a life you twit….

    To the idiots bashing him, I’m sure you done your diligent hater mantra, but all you are just jealous POS redneck racists who wish you had an 1/8 of what he has…. It’s funny the haters who make racist comments on blogs or threads, they are just a bunch of pussies and are the one you see in crowds with their heads down because one, they have zero life and two, they don’ t want people to laugh at how retarded they really are……They would never say these things to his face NOR my face for that matter.

    I wish I could use some of these idiots heads as golf balls. Well, they wouldn’t travel very far because there is very little inside that brain anyways!

    Go kill yourselves haters, the world would be a better place!

  11. Ufromthefuture

    @Vangogh,

    I couldn’t care less that your dad was a cop, that doesn’t make you a law enforcement expert. By comparison, you are not an amazing lover just because you’re mom is a whore. (Not yours of course, it’s just an example)

    And as for deriding people for using racist slurs, I agree, I don’t think it’s productive or appropriate, but maybe you should try not using the word “fag” as liberally as you do if you want to get your point across. You sound as ignorant as those you are chastising.

  12. Ufromthefuture

    @Vangogh,

    I couldn’t care less that your dad was a cop, that doesn’t make you a law enforcement expert. By comparison, you are not an amazing lover just because your mom is a whore. (Not yours of course, it’s just an example)

    And as for deriding people for using racist slurs, I agree, I don’t think it’s productive or appropriate, but maybe you should try not using the word “fag” as liberally as you do if you want to get your point across. You sound as ignorant as those you are chastising.

  13. just

    @58.

    Name calling online coupled with a fairly useless reply eh?

    What hunting/sport/starvation/random violence has to do with Tiger Woods scoring on the side will probably only be know to you. You clearly do not understand that these acts are inflicted on animals by.. guess who? I’ve never seen a fox make the career move into fox hunting.

    My point, as was so painfully clear, is that a the majority of men are forced to go against their nature due to society and it’s endless and often pointless changes. In the end, the majority of men will end up relenting at some point. Why? Something to do with nature being the the governing force of the universe perhaps.

    If you decided to argue with anyone in future, it might be an idea to work on that limited wisdom issue.

    nob.

  14. Vangogh's lover

    Dear shitlips, everyone is a racist. It’s a fact of biology and culture. I prefer my own subspecie of human and am proud that my entire family and all my friends feel the same way. I hang out with my own kind. I talk to all sorts of people and always will, but I socialize better with white folk. We seem to think along similar lines.
    You obviously are frightenly fond of “tiger”. I bet you have a gay lover named that.
    The little pumped up (sad to think that is the best he can do with all his money and time on his hands) cross-breed is a sorry mother fucking ghetto slob to cheat on his beautiful wife AND the mother of his children. That is how I think. Don’t like it? Even better for me, queer.

  15. Someone in the NY Daily News

    It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle
    Than it is for a successful man to be faithful…

  16. Richard Christy

    Vangogh:

    “It’s amazing the racist idiots and education level of some of these posters. It’s people like you that have turned this country into pussifiedAmerica”

    AMEN. I have found you a kindred spirit:

    http://thesuperficial.com/2009/10/balloon_boys_parents_are_in_de.php

    Your loyalty in the service of the Tiger Brand is to be commended

  17. Shawn

    Tiger clearly had too much of Grandpa’s Cough Medicine and did something fratty: crashed in his own driveway.

    http://bit.ly/4zZOf8

  18. whateveryeah

    You know what would be really f***ked up? If he intentionally crashed his car in an attempt to cover up cuts to his face from his crazy club-wielding wife. Allegedly, of course.

  19. cc

    If I had Tiger’s money I’d bring a hot Swede on every round of golf I played. Everytime I missed a shot I’d vent my frustrations by spanking her right there on the green.

    And there’s be naked girl tanning in every sand trap.

    Any my caddy would be a hot swede too and she’d have to retrieve my ball while wearing a tiny skirt and no underwear.

    And the drink stations would serve gin & tonics made fresh by Danish models.

    And I’d get from hole to hole in a litter carried by two Norwegian models and two Finnish models.

    And the 19th whole would be a strip joint staffed by naked Eastern European and Russian strippers.

    Anyway, I guess the point is I wouldn’t be married.

  20. Makes no sense , go on…

  21. Julius

    The wife handicapped him for putting it in the wrong hole. The wimpy Fla police need to step up- who cares if he’s rich. Wonder how many calls the Nike endorsement lawyers have made down there trying to save their cash cow. I’ll give the marriage one more year at the most. She & Heather Mills can hang together with all their dollaz.

  22. This is about as interesting as coding in assembly.

  23. yowillie

    WHO CARES.

  24. I wonder

    I wonder if he has an asian dick?

  25. James

    Couldn’t the police force’s resource be put to more meaningful use? Like catching real criminals?

  26. ada

    Here is a great place —— Cougarmatching.com —– It’s a premiere cougar dating community for older women seeking younger men and younger men seeking cougars. Come in, post a message, a picture of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You will find someone you like here…

  27. MajorKnuckles

    That’s what he gets for fu*king with the white woman, any rich black guy who marries one has this coming.. I hope that she takes everything from you TigerI’msoontobebrokecausei’madickhead.

  28. Stephanie

    Fish, it is apparent that you have been beaten and/or wronged by several men. You ride Chris Brown’s balls, and you lick Kobe Bryant’s dick. When will you release the hidden camera tape that was in that Colorado hotel room where he was said to have raped someone? Look up the word alleged. It does not mean fact. Also..he is no longer ‘alleged’ anything, I think all that was settled without a conviction. Are you aware his accuser had mental problems? He’s merely a cheater, which has nothing to do with rape. I want the old writer back. You’re too emotional and no fun to read.

  29. squeek

    Smarm sucks. Long winded and annoying.

  30. Amaranth

    niceee he finally gave his Wood out

  31. Strangefruit

    I think it is funny that his wife beat him with his own golf clubs lol

  32. Strangefruit

    I think it is funny that his wife beat him with his own golf clubs lol

  33. I’ll take that Swedish chick if he’s through fucking her. Or the other one. Which ever.

  34. I have E D but am still romantic

    #78 Kobe was a “mere cheater”? And the girl he R A P E D had mental problems so I guess it was ok to tear her vagina then? I have a feeling you have big lips and a protruding ass, nappy hair, etc.

  35. Really nice post i must say . It is really awesome. I just love tiger wood. He is really mind blowing. Thanks for sharing.

  36. he is a legand……….HE plays great shots
    http://www.med-store.us/

  37. Muffy

    @#12

    Go back to your female or male(yes. men can join to) feminazi cult! I’m going pay a woman to beat up your punk ass.

  38. Muffy

    @#24

    The man is not a show off! And if he was, you would also have problem! I swear, you cannot not win is the fucking world!

  39. Muffy

    Typo: in this world

  40. flaky

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  41. black&beautiful

    “Swedish MODEL”????? Ahem, aren’t we forgetting that this bitch was a Swedish NANNY (not to mention an international gold-digger) when she met Tiger? I love how history can rewrite itself once white (euro)trash finds a rich black athlete and marries up.

  42. Maroon

    #91 black&beautiful, Elin comes from a wealthy family. Her mother, Barbro Holmberg, is a politician and former Swedish migration and asylum policy minister. Her father, Thomas, is a radio journalist who served as a bureau chief in Washington, D.C.. Get your facts straight before you make any comments. please.

  43. hot shot

    all of you are fucking crazy. isnt he human, i think as apeople we tend to idolize ourpublicfigures too muchthat we tend toforget that they are humans just like us andas suchis prone to error just likeanyoneelse. does that makes wha he did right!!!hell no!!!!! but sometimes we get so freak out when these things happen, we get so disappointed and hurt that we stop being rational, people, let us just pray for this family that they may look at the big picture in all of this which is their family and realise they need not give that up for moments of folly, there are children involved here who did not ask to be here, let us hope and pray that they can emerge from this a more united and loving family. Forgiveness is what is needed here

  44. Hi guy’s,
    I think it is funny that his wife beat him with his own golf clubs lol……

  45. its great that she is still rockin’ the bod but it is just too damn old and dusty, put it away Pam

  46. lol, Tiger Woods had a shitty holiday and would have a hard life:)

  47. Estee

    I’d bet the guy sucks in bed.

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