Tiger Woods had a shitty holiday

November 30th, 2009 // 108 Comments

For the five of you unaware, early Friday morning Tiger Woods drove his Escalade into a neighbor’s tree while high on painkillers and/or having just had the shit kicked out of him by his golf club-wielding wife Elin thanks to a National Enquirer story claiming he banged A-list event planner Rachel Uchitel. No one’s entirely sure what occurred considering the crash happened at two a.m right after Thanksgiving, but after ducking interviews with the police three times this weekend, the Florida Highway Patrol are now looking to obtain a search warrant and file charges against both parties despite Tiger’s attempt to whitewash the incident on his website. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ the Florida Highway Patrol is now focusing on obtaining a search warrant — allowing them to seize medical records from the hospital that treated Tiger Woods — in an attempt to determine if the wounds Woods sustained are consistent with a car accident or domestic violence.
And there’s more … although alcohol was not involved, Tiger was in and out of consciousness and TMZ has already reported Tiger told a friend he was taking prescription meds for pain, which could be evidence of DUI. This, too, could constitute probable cause to obtain a warrant.

However, considering Tiger Woods’ documented hatred of the press and the fact he could buy the Florida Highway Patrol a fleet of fighter jets, the incident is likely to blow over soon. Rachel Uchitel has already hired high-powered attorney Gloria Allred to sue the National Enquirer after publicly calling the story “bullshit,” and Tiger spoke to a friend on Friday to reveal how he’s going to smooth things over with Elin so she doesn’t shove golf tees in his urethra while he’s sleeping:

During the phone conversation on Friday, Tiger told his friend, “I have to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.’” The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a “Kobe Special” was. The reply — “A house on a finger.”
During the conversation, Tiger said his wife had “gone ghetto” on him.

I love how Tiger Woods decided to compare himself to an alleged sex offender instead of mentioning he got his ass kicked by a Swedish model. “Hmm. Rapist or my own wife hit me in the face with a golf club? God, this is a tough one…”

Photos: Getty, Splash News
superficial

  1. jazt

    fiiiiiiiiiirst

  2. hpeszti

    I didn’t think it was possible, but that Rachel chick is hotter than that Swedish model…that’s a good thing to accomplish in your life.

  3. aprilstp

    I thought he only drove Buicks.

  4. aprilstp

    I thought he only drove Buicks.

  5. Hous

    Hi Lucy. <3

  6. Hous

    Hi Lucy. <3

  7. aprilstp

    Ok, sorry about the duplicate posts, ugh

  8. Savalas

    What makes this whole affair rather funny is that, in the end, he’s golfer with a receding hairline.

  9. lesson learned: don’t get married. bang what you want. keep walking. johnny walker. enjoy responsibly.

  10. ChinaChao

    lol to #8 and Hous for repeats; <3 you too.

  11. dude_on

    This should be a lesson to all women to simply invite the mistress whore to join both of you in bed. Jealousy and anger are counterproductive to a happy marriage. Yes, I know people spend $150 an hour for this type of advice, but this just happens to be one of those life lesson moments that we all can learn from.

  12. Vangogh

    The writer of this story is a jealous pr**ck! What is supposed to do hit his wife back if she attacking him? So you condone a man putting his hands on a woman?

    The man did nothing wrong. Under law he is NOT required to talk to police.

    If you believe the Enquirer then you have mental problems.

    Give me a break…LOL..Tiger told a friend he needed to get a “kobe special’…LOL hahahaha ….No way in hell Tiger said that…

    It’s a private matter and it should stay that way.

    All you people throwing stones should check your own closets for skeletons!

  13. David Hasslehoff's Beer Farts

    These self respecting woman love Tiger for his looks.

    What a world!

  14. DingDong

    I guess there’s nothing better going on in Florida that the police have to bother getting a search warrant for a billionaire golfer cuz he hit a tree with his car!
    Tax payer money at work! GOOD JOB GUYS!!

  15. Smarm

    ” 13. David Hasslehoff’s Beer Farts – November 30, 2009 8:44 AM

    These self respecting woman love Tiger for his looks.

    What a world!

    WTF are you talking about? You sat here and thought of a clever, witty, insult to come up with, and in the end, thats the one that won over? Wow. Impressive. You’re an idiot.

    And Fish, I do hope you’ve got that edit button handy, as the chances of Tiger saying ‘a Kobe special’ and NOT be talking about grain fed cattle, are about as slim as you going an entire day without posting even a miniscule amount of T&A. On that day, the world will end. And what a sad day itll be..so dont start if you would, anytime soon, I have Super Bowl tickets.

  16. JustJess

    Someone in the NY Daily News made this comment:

    It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle
    Than it is for a successful man to be faithful…

    Funny!

  17. Ufromthefuture

    @Vangogh

    Remember that this was originally reported as a possible DUI and there is still evidence that it may have been. Plus Tiger damaged both city property and his neighbor’s property. If you destroy a fire hydrant and disturb the peace you do not get the liberty of saying you don’t want to talk to the cops.
    He doesn’t have to talk to TMZ or file a press statement but he absolutely has to cooperate with the police and when your private issues spill out into the public domain they aren’t so private anymore.

  18. mclaren1975

    Zales? Seriously? he’s worth $1 billion and he’s going to a mall jewelry store? Maybe he meant he was going to buy here A Zale’s.

    I’m glad the FHP has time to spend on this instead of, say, trying to catch drug traffickers.

  19. JustJess

    at 18…

    if the story is true (which I doubt) – just shows you how little he thinks of her… I would think Harry Winston would be in order – apparently Zales just might have to do…

  20. Smarm

    @18- I live about 20 minutes from where TW does (which is like saying you live in that nice neighborhood 20 min away from Sadaam’s palace. )…..and there’s PLENTY of places I guarantee you he would go instead of Zales. Mall Millenia’s geared for rich folk who have more money than I do to spend, and I’m pretty sure theres a cover charge just to get in the front door..not saying I know TWs shopping habits, but I’m fairly certain that if he was in fact going to get his wife something, it wouldnt be from fucking Zales.

    That being said, that just makes me reiterate what I mentioned earlier. Anyone who watches this guy talk (I met him a couple years ago at Bay Hill) can be fairly certain that ‘going ghetto’ and ‘pulling a Kobe’ are about as far from his vocab as youre gonna get. Not saying when the cameras are off hes not alittle less ‘formal’ but please….not only that, the guys been in the game for how long? You really think hes going to have a talk w a friend like that whose going to turn around and give a verbal transcript of the conversation? I doubt it.

  21. Duke Steele

    Enough with this guy. First, without his golf money he’d be Urkel. Second, he plays fucking golf. The only thing interesting about this jerk off is that somehow he ended up nailing a hot Swedish chick.

  22. lily

    rachel, there are a lot of rich men out there who don’t yet have children, stick to men without children. you are not clearly thinking about your actions long term.

  23. David Hasslehoff's Beer Farts

    Hey Smarm #15.

    Who made you the post prefect?

    You need to get out of your mom’s basement and off the computer. See some daylight. You also need to quit pulling it while wearing your Dad’s 2 day old, unclean underwear over your face.

    Clown!

  24. Richard Christy

    Howard Stern put it best this morning. Isn’t this guy worth a billion dollars by now? What is he doing with neighbors. He should have a compound where he can drunkenly/heavily medicatedly bash into anything he wants on his property.

    Makes no sense to me…why the hell is he living in a gated community with a bunch of retirees?!

  25. sarah

    the ‘girlfriend’ looks like jessica biel meets ashley dupre meets bad lip job. u cheated on elin for this?!?

  26. Disgusted with Homo homos

    His true color is coming out. Pussy, without all his easy sleasy money, couldn’t get laid anywhere. At least he would be fucking some mongrel like himself rather than a “trophy blonde”.
    How can a man tell the police he does not want to talk to them after he destroyed city property? How the fuck does that work out?
    We are truly a plutocracy. Deny it assholes.
    Fucking scumfuck of a specie. I hope before we get done wrecking this planet a truly sentient alien civilization rids the galaxy of us.
    (Geez, so close to Christman – I… I mean “Holiday Season” !)

  27. Christina

    Fish is back. Woot woot.

  28. Kobe isn't Alone

    Mulattoes aren’t exactly known for their fidelity.

  29. JungleRed

    I wonder what it’s like to wake up in the morning knowing you’re worth half what you were the day before. I bet that hurts worse than the golf club to the face.

  30. Vangogh

    Richard Steele – you’re a pussy and you are not half the man Tiger is…he has more money than you will ever dream of. He graduated from Stanford and surely got laid plenty at that school as the schools most high profile athelete. You wouldn’t want a piece of him, he’d whip your ass from here to Sunday.

    Richard Christy – get a life you dirty scumbag. Go suck Howard’s dick! He’s building a beach front house. He does not live in a gated community with retirees. A lot of professional athletes and millionaires live in Isleworth. Howard, BTW, is not the perfect example of married men, SECOND marriage…he’s more of a pussy than Tiger. Howard’s first wife was apparently banging her trainer. LOL!

    U…future…you know jack shit. The police already said he is NOT required under law to give a statement to police. My dad was a cop for 30 years and he knows the law. You do NOT.

    There is no proof he was drinking. They have to have a reason to test for an DUI and those were not present at the scene. Alcohol was NOT a factor and that will come out and you can eat a pile of shit! He could have been on pain medicine for an injury which could be true. It could just be a domestic gone awry.

    You fags need to check your own closets and glass houses.

    BTW, no WAY he talked to a friend who would in turn talk to the Enquirer and say anything remotely as “ghetto” and “kobe special.”

    You losers who are on here bashing Tiger should go kill yourselves and make the world a better place!

  31. prominent divorce lawyer

    Cha-ching!!!

  32. Smarm

    ” 23. David Hasslehoff’s Beer Farts – November 30, 2009 9:38 AM

    Hey Smarm #15.

    Who made you the post prefect?

    You need to get out of your mom’s basement and off the computer. See some daylight. You also need to quit pulling it while wearing your Dad’s 2 day old, unclean underwear over your face.

    Clown!

    I did,motherfucker. And if you’re gonna try and insult, again, come up w something original, not the same rehashed shit that at least one person makes per day on this site(ooh you hide in your mommas basement get out see the sun roflcopterhahaha!) . That may have been even more asinine than your initial post, but its too close to call. Then again, you’re a fan of the Hoff, so I guess I shouldnt be too surprised. My dads underwear….thats clever. If you’re 11. Sort of like your initial ‘Tigers too ugly to have a hot chick omfg!’

  33. Mal Gusto

    I love how his ‘cover story’ includes how his wife busted out the back window to help him. I googled the length of an Escalade…it is 16.5 feet long!!
    What if Tiger is trying to cover for his wife who is a raging alcoholic? That would be an interesting little twist.

  34. Mal Gusto

    I love how his ‘cover story’ includes how his wife busted out the back window to help him. I googled the length of an Escalade…it is 16.5 feet long!!
    What if Tiger is trying to cover for his wife who is a raging alcoholic? That would be an interesting little twist.

  35. Smarm

    And 26, get out of here w that bullshit- yes, hes a pussy because *you* said so, and because hes good enough at what he does that me makes more than you ever will.. stop being such a jealous punk. And if you knew jack shit about the legal system , youd know hes not required by law to talk to them immediately just because THEY want him to. He obtains legal counsel(in his case, im sure thats a foregone conclusion) and they tell the cops when hes ready he will talk. Happens all the time- just not to Tiger Woods, so you dont see it on the fucking news every day.. and to you and anyone else whining about the fucking ‘destruction of city property’….it was a fire hydrant, not the fucking Washington Monument. I’m pretty sure the neighborhood will recover.

    I’ve got to get to work, so everyone else have a great day….gotta clean up the basement and do a load of laundry, right, fucko?

    i’m out.

  36. there are effeminate types here...

    Yo yo yo Vangogh and Smarm (one and the same or lovers), I would kick that faggot’s ass all the way back to Thailand and yours with her. I see you must have tiger posters in your basement. You poor pathetic broken little thing you. Your idol has been douched. It has no right mating with a lovely Nordic woman and thus sullying good genes with ugly ones. Just like yourself. I hope you are as sterile as your posts. heh heh

  37. gigi

    just get better & play some frigging golf…… who cares?

  38. Virgil

    Another nobody-celebrity is being created. Kinda like these people: http://imeanwhat.com/blog/the-nobody-news-3

  39. Moon

    I see from picture number 8 that she is dating Castro now. All these women with fake noses are the same, and they all hang out together, so they don’t have a clue how weird they look to the rest of the sane world.

  40. just

    Tiger is a man. A man that plays golf. A very rich man that plays golf. A very rich man that plays golf and is famous. What on earth leads to you to think he doesn’t want a little bit on the side like just about every other male on the planet? He is not trying to marry this chick, he just wants something else to bang. Crude but true.

    I don’t care what anyone says, even a broke dude is going to smash more than one girl if given the opportunity. Tiger just got sloppy and/or chose to smash a girl that can’t keep her mouth shut. Now he has to pay the price for shaming his wife publicly with a golf club to the head.

    The Animal kingdom gets it right as the males don’t have to pretend they want one woman to keep a mate.

  41. Sardonic

    You couldn’t have scripted a more titilating story. Real life always trumps fiction. And the other woman is actually hot. On deck, naked Rachel photos or a sex tape with some ex-boyfriend.

  42. just

    Tiger is a man. A man that plays golf. A very rich man that plays golf. A very rich man that plays golf and is famous. What on earth leads to you to think he doesn’t want a little bit on the side like just about every other male on the planet? He is not trying to marry this chick, he just wants something else to bang. Crude but true.

    I don’t care what anyone says, even a broke dude is going to smash more than one girl if given the opportunity. Tiger just got sloppy and/or chose to smash a girl that can’t keep her mouth shut. Now he has to pay the price for shaming his wife publicly with a golf club to the head.

    The Animal kingdom gets it right as the males don’t have to pretend they want one woman to keep a mate.

  43. zips

    Zales? Are you kidding me? With his money, it’d have to be Graff or Cartier or Tiffany’s at the least. If he came home with a Zales ring, she’d probably beat the crap out of him again.

  44. fearsarewishes

    There are more questions than answers at this point.

    The only thing that we know for certain now is that this was Tiger’s worst drive of his career.

    Thank you. Thank you very much. No really, you are all too kind. Try the veal and remember to tip your server. Thank you so very much. I’ll be here all week. Good night!

  45. just

    As for the friend talking… I think he’d know he would be ex-communicated instantly if he went running to the press. Also, Zales? In jest perhaps. More likely someone from the Zales marketing department calling the mags using a handkerchief covered public phone!

  46. Rough pappi

    Must be irritating for this guy he cant even take a leak without the Enquirer paying someone to squeal…

  47. cc

    I heard this morning Tiger’s in hospital getting doctor’s to reattach the divot in his crotch. Beware the sand wedge, cheating mother fuckas!

    “I love how his ‘cover story’ includes how his wife busted out the back window to help him. I googled the length of an Escalade…it is 16.5 feet long!!”

    Actually, it was an extraordinary act of bravery….he was actually sinking into an alligator infested swamp.

  48. Joyless masturbation

    CBS is reporting that a midget shoved a spicy pickle up Tigers ass, and Tiger couldn’t handle the intensity so he attempted to rush himself to the hospital. Then Tiger swerved to miss Elin who while tripping balls was wildly swinging a golf club trying to fend off a psychotic unicorn.

  49. Honestly?

    There is a lot of speculation whether or not Tiger cheated on her, and yet all of these celebrity blogs are calling HER crazy. If my husband cheated on me, he’d have a lot more than just face lacerations.

  50. wonders

    Seems like people are finding humor in Tiger getting beaten by his wife.

    Were people this supportive when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna? Or is cheating a good reason to engage in domestic violence in general? Maybe if Rihanna had cheated, Chris Brown would have been justified in beating the holy hell out of her? Right? Oh yeah it’s wrong to hit a woman but not a man. I forgot. That’s why domestic abuse is only a crime when the husband beats up a wife. When its the wife beating up the husband, it’s fodder for late night jokes and internet comedians.

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