Tiger Woods ready to be Golfing Jesus again

March 16th, 2010 // 33 Comments

Tiger Woods is playing in the Masters to the surprise of absolutely no one even remotely familiar with golf. ESPN reports:

“The Masters is where I won my first major and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I’m ready to start my season at Augusta,” Woods said in a statement.
“The major championships have always been a special focus in my career and, as a professional, I think Augusta is where I need to be, even though it’s been a while since I last played.”
“I have undergone almost two months of inpatient therapy and I am continuing my treatment,” Woods said in his statement. “Although I’m returning to competition, I still have a lot of work to do in my personal life.”

In Tiger Woods’ defense, pretending to be sorry all day is fucking boring. No, really, you can’t even relax and play Xbox without having to look remorseful for banging 27 hookers in one night. I mean, Christ, there’s not even breasts in this game! Women.

Photos: Getty

  1. Earl

    WHO CARES! he hits a little white ball with a skinny stick and NO ONE comes in contact with him. its a GAME not a sport!

  2. Doc Schweinstrudel

    He is a disgusting cheater and I don’t want to see his bloody deranged face anymore!!!!

  3. Richard McBeef

    I give it a month before the superficial and i watch stuff are about equal for comment numbers.

    not sure what it is.. everybody complains about the writing being sub par compared to days of yore, but i wasn’t around then so i don’t know. who comes here for the writing anyway? i am just here to glance at skanks in bikinis and then read the comments. once the commenters are gone, i’ll be trolling the internet elsewhere.

  4. Parker

    That’s so true. Enough with the mea culpas. It’s getting downright mawkish. If you have to mope do it in private.

  5. Jon

    I love the pretend shame and dissappointment that is written in this article. The way this Superficial writer writes in other blog stories and loves to show nip slips and the like, I assume he would love to have been in the position Tiger was in. Heck, 9 guys out of 10 would want to be in the position Tiger was in. The other 1/10 still haven’t located their dicks yet, and removed the shrink wrap.

  6. Good, he’s back in the game. #1, I’d like to see you hit a “little white ball with a skinny stick” as well as he does. Now maybe the media can get back to concentrating on his talent instead of his extra marital affairs. As a person, he isn’t what I would consider great, but I don’t admire him for his morals and ethics. I admire him for how talented of a golfer he is.

  7. Budd

    Alli Watermelon, if u or someone you know has kids. this is why we have a problem with elite athletes, just like you, kids are taken aback by what they can do and think, I can do anything wrong as long as I am good at a sport.

    Michael Irvin = drugs and women.
    Washington wizards basketball player = guns
    Ravens defensive player = stabbed a guy
    John Daly golfer = alcoholic and more
    OJ simpson = murder
    the list goes on and on.

  8. Time heals all wounds, right? Well, winning matches does too…sort of. Tiger returns to carrying the PGA on his back. Let the media circus begin! Tiger was trending on Twitter today. I covered it on my show http://bit.ly/btr1CS

  9. Shaft

    He lost some fans, but he would gain a bunch of new ones if he would stop acting like such a pussy and just admit that he’s a sex machine. People aspire to being multi-millionaire sex machines – he should offer classes.

  10. big fat bob

    what a scam …
    the PGA must be enjoying all the publicity he’s bringing

  11. He picked the Masters because there won’t be any hecklers in the gallery. I’m gonna love watching his caddy go after them at less-classy events in the future (and get his ass handed to him).

  12. HGH

    How come NO ONE ever talks about the fact that Tiger is using testosterone to get big and muscular and this is also why he is such a horndog the last several years.

    He’s a CHEATER on all counts.

  13. lol i’m looking forward to seeing the south park spoof of tiger woods haha

  14. Rasputins Liver

    Tiger Woods’ fans keep blathering on about keeping it all in perspective.

    But, folks, we really need to put some real perspective on this whole thing, not the “reality” show hero worship “perspective” on it.

    People, it’s only……golf.

    Get it? Golf. GOLF!!!

    It’s just chasing little ba!!s around in tacky clothing (and usually drunk) on well manicured lawns. That’s all. It’s a liesure activity barely passing muster as a recreational activity. And the people who play it should feel da**ed lucky it even rises to that point.

    It’s like the tiddly winks of lawn games for cryin’ out loud.

  15. Rasputins Liver

    M’k. So, Tiger baby’s done his few months of “life changing” de rigueur PR “inner contemplation” (damage control) ala supposed “rehab”, requisite public non-apology apology (for getting caught) and is now ready to re-brand himself and bring his Tiger Woods corporation back from the brink. Whooptidoo.
    Yes, Tiger enjoyed fame and fortune. But nothing says REAL success in America these days (these days of being in a “reality” show nation) like sleazy notoriety and fortune. He truly is an American hero.
    Yes, it’ll be great knowin’ Tiger baby’s back whackin’ off (the tee) again. I mean, amid all the death and destruction of wars, people starving in a world of plenty, all the economic and social terrorism (perpetrated mostly by white collar criminals who….surprise! surprise!….usually play golf because they see at as an elite “sport”), global warming, natural disasters, etc…why, knowing Cheetah…er…Tiger baby’s back in akshun is a real load off the world’s shoulders.
    Intelligent people always keep in mind that with the general public what’s even more successful than fame and fortune?

    Notoriety and fortune.

    It wasn’t good enough or profitable enough for the Tiger Woods Corp. and Golf for him to appear like a decent, honest, polo shirt wearing nice guy. Not in these days of national arrested development and high popularity in sewer level “reality” shows.

    Nope. Today’s golf isn’t your daddy or grandfather’s golf, the old guard staid version. This is the new “reality” show version where infamy is the name of the game and far more profitable than the old guard golf.

    They had to do something and it wouldn’t surprise me to find out the gals were paid actors and the whole thing was merely an industry marketing ploy.

  16. Baby Doc

    @ 15: Tell that to all his sponsors who bailed… It’s an industry goofus, & Tigger probably spends a $ mil /year just on attorney retainer fees. He screwed up b/c he’s not genteel like the game he plays. Golf is now the NBA with slacks. This was going to happen one day anyway, but it is ironic that an Asian/black mix brought it in. Money can’t buy class.

  17. This ape should wake up every morning & thank the Lawd. With a face like that, he’d be lucky to get a handjob from the cleaning lady.

    But I guess TigerBux can smooth out imperfections. Like an ape face.

  18. Perfect Double Tapered

    @12 Is it wrong to jack-off to spam?

  19. Jesus said to the crowd who brought the sinning woman to him…he who is without sin cast the first stone…they all left…and he said to the woman I do not condemn you…go and sin no more…

    Where was the man that sinned with this woman and where are the women that sinned with this man? We are all sinners and Jesus taught us how to deal with this situation properly. If you don’t want to do as Jesus did then that is on you.

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  23. He is lucky that he is Tiger Woods!!

  24. He lost some fans, but he would gain a bunch of new ones if he would stop acting..

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  26. amanda

    I agree 100% with #6 Alli Watermelon:
    I’m glad he’s FINALLY gonna play golf again so people will quit going on and on and on about his affairs. He’s a golf PHENOMENON and way talented than all the haters here

  27. captain america


  28. he’s still the golfer of the decade suckers

  29. He’s always been a cunt on the course…dropping F bombs and GD bombs with kids all around…
    I hope he sucks ass and breaks down like the petulant child he really is. What a twat he is, with his staged ‘press conference’ and waiting for the friendly confines of the Masters, where people are escorted out for merely coughing.
    Bobby Jones is surely spinning in his grave.

  30. @ the last poster

    So Tiger Woods is a petulant child because, in the heat of the moment while competing, he curses, BUT we are supposed to believe you are somehow a better person than him because you can anonymously call him a c*nt and and a tw*t on a blog? You have much to learn about being a polite human being, you are no one to be talking about someone’s language, you are a HYPOCRITE.

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