Tiger Woods gets slap on the wrist and case closed

December 1st, 2009 // 73 Comments

Tiger Woods will be cited for careless driving for his car accident early Friday morning, and despite a golf club-wielding wife allegedly beating the fuck out of him, that pretty much wraps things up. People reports:

“The investigation has concluded that Mr. Woods is at fault in the crash,” a Florida Highway Patrol spokeswoman said Tuesday afternoon at a press conference, saying that they found that Woods, 33, had not driven in a “careful and prudent manner” when he was hurt in a one-car crash outside his Orlando home.
Police said there were no claims of domestic violence in the case and “there was insufficient evidence available to issue a subpoena for additional medical information that may exist.”

In related news, Tiger Woods owns the state of Florida now but will grant interstate travel to and from Disney World provided everyone stops saying his wife kicked his ass. Officials in Washington will urge compliance, but only if Tiger permits the elderly to vote in general elections because, seriously, who else is going to?

NOTE: Added old modeling photos of Tiger’s wife and a crazy Chinese video recreating the night of the crash after the jump.

Photo: Getty, INFdaily
superficial

  1. zanyman

    FIRST BABY!

  2. DJ Sirloin

    This is just like the OJ saga started, except in reverse…..

  3. jhjkh

    LOL that animated dramatization was awesome. thats what we need in the usa.

  4. Anon

    Wonder if the female posters on here so quick to slam any man that hits his spouse on nothing more than rumours will be so quick to do the same to this woman.

    Nope didn’t think so.
    Ah female double standards.

  5. Brian Williams, NBC Nightly News

    I wish our news broadcasts used early Playstation One cut scenes.

  6. OPS

    Crazy bitch. For Tiger’s sake I hope she tosses a mean salad.

  7. OPS

    Crazy bitch. For Tiger’s sake, I hope she chugs a mean cock.

  8. Elaine

    #4… I do not approve of violence as a way of getting back at your mate…EVER.

    However, if said mate is wealthy, then I approve of taking a swing with bat/golf/club,hockey stick, arrow, at his Escalade, Range Rover, Ferrari, BMW,Prius…These are material possessions which can be replaced.

    Also letting his best friend fuck your ass, helps. That’s the romantic part of me talking.

  9. SO RIGHT

    I’m a female and I think this should be investigated further. If Tiger’s wife is responsible for the cuts on his face, she should face charges for domestic abuse.

  10. Grand Dragon

    This ape is worth $1 billion. He shouldn’t be married to anyone, especially a white woman.

  11. cc

    OMG, she has freckles on her nose. How much do I love that…I can’t even say.

    Have to agree, if the cops thought for a minute that a man had battered his wife with a golf club there’d be NO WAY IN HELL they’d drop it like this.

  12. yammerskooner

    He could do SO better.

  13. Anon

    #8 But as long as it’s not a man taking a swing at her materialistic possessions right?

    I noticed you didn’t say partner but his. Do you not know what domestic abuse is? It isn’t just physical against a person but violence in general.

    Looks like I was right.
    Not one woman has condemned her.

  14. livingjetlag

    I think, from now on, all the Superficial’s posts should have crazy chinese video to go with them! That was great!

    But, seriously, “slap on the wrist?” He’s being fined for over 160 dollars, PLUS the increase in his insurance premiums, and probably points on his license, too. Where the heck is he going to come up with that kind of money? He doesn’t have a real job, he just plays golf all day. His parents are gonna be PISSED!

  15. Kanye West's vagina

    His wife beat the fuck out of him with a golf club? No….. Do some fucking research. She either shattered the windows out because she was pissed because he was having an affair, or she was trying to help him escape the vehicle after the crash. Not once, ANYWHERE, was there mention of her assaulting Tiger with a golf club. Did you overdose and lose some of your brain or something over your Thanksgiving break? Everything posted since you’ve returned has pretty much been complete shit.

  16. marcus

    That re-enactment was spot on. I’m pretty sure Tiger drives a Chevy Astro, and I know I’ve seen him wear that shirt before.

  17. timbo

    Do you think she yelled, “Fore!” or “Heads up!” before breaking the window?

    I like how Tiger called her a hero for removing him from an auto accident. Was the vehicle on fire and about to explode? Were there dangerous fumes? Did she carry him from the SUV?

    I’ve always heard that you don’t move someone in an accident unless its required because the victim could have back/spine injuries. Moving the victim could make it worse.

  18. Val

    @15 you’re an idiot. I came to the same conclusion as Fish did. He backed into a tree and fire hydrant and has lacerations to his face severe enough to cause him to be in a semi-conscious state and have to go to the hospital? And his wife had to beat out the windows of his SUV to get him out? BULLSHIT. His wife went batshit on him because she read a tabloid story that said he’d had an affair. That bitch is crazy and needs to go to jail. She takes care of his KIDS, dude. Nobody with a temper like that would be getting anywhere near my children. If he’d been suspected of beating her with a golf club, he’d still be in lock up (if he didn’t already own the jail). This double standard makes me pretty sick.

    And fuck you, #13. Everybody knows that women hardly ever read this crappy website. We go to Lainey for our gossip. This is just a T&A rag.

  19. Randal(l)

    What the hell is wrong with him? Do either he or his wife know he’s tiger woods? He’s a Billionaire, he could have her and her entire blood line wiped off the face of the earth with one word. I expect by the end of the week when he comes to his senses she’ll be blowing homeless rednecks in Alabama for nickels

    Randal(l)

  20. bcklee

    It is ridiculous that the Florida Highway Patrol had to get their nickel’s worth. Everyone has minor mishaps. They spent thousands of dollars to issue a $164 ticket.

  21. stream

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  22. Rough'in ain't easy

    I need a TV network to create a show between Tiger Woods and Gary Busey having a Cap off a la “MTV’s celebrity deathmath”

  23. Chris

    This confirms EVERYTHING I’ve ever known about human nature. No matter how attractive a man’s wife is, they will always ALWAYS be looking for something different (not necessarily “better”, just different.)

    yep, even THIS woman got cheated on. Nice.

  24. I have E D but am still romantic

    Tiger is one ugly mixed up looking fuck. His wife didn’t even want to date him. I would imagine because she is lovely and he is ugly? Of course he pursued her having no respect for himself other than his penis and the need for dark folk to land a beautiful blonde woman. He paid her off more or less. And just like all low lives, he cheats on his kid’s mom.
    conclusion: he is a dirtbag, an arrogant unskilled piece of shit that has hit the jackpot and nothing more.

  25. Yahoo

    24 – Hi there, Mr. Beck. Welcome to TheSuperficial. :-)

  26. Leonidas Smith Jeans

    Ah, that video clears things up nicely. I thought it was the real Tiger Woods that crashed his car, but I see now that it was just his Second Life avatar. Phew.

  27. Jeb

    Tiger deserves some new pussy once in a while. I mean he’s on his way to becoming a billionaire dammit. Imagine what he could be doing if he wasn’t married.

  28. JEFF

    I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED FOR NO ZOMBIES IN THOSE RE-ENACTMENTS!

  29. Chris

    @27

    Does that mean his wife deserves some new cock too? See that’s the thing, you can do what ever the hell you want to do, stay single and bang hookers the rest of your life like Hugh Hefner. The problem comes in when you voluntarily commit to someone else and take vows and all that stuff. One person thinks they are signing up for a committed relationship while the other is sneaking around on the down low. If you can’t see yourself in that lifestyle than DON’T FUCKING GET MARRIED. Is that so hard to understand?

    And they say homosexuals are making a mockery of marriage. HA!

  30. shaquon

    Dats what dis nigga deserve for gettin wit a white viking bitch! Show some love for da blacks tiga!!

  31. Jeb

    #29
    you make a good point, he should not have married that young at least

  32. Tanzarian

    Cited for careless driving in a one car accident? What sort of Mickey Mouse state is Florida?

  33. Jim

    I think the Chinese have it right!

  34. Elaine

    I’m not a proponent of violence, in any form, but sometimes a light tap in the head with a golf club, just let’s a man know you mean business. By my account, she took the high road, and allowed him to live.

    She could have just as easily taken the golf club and busted his head open like a watermelon, spraying his expensive blood all over the place, but then she would have to deal with the clean up job. The clean up, is not that easy my friends. It’s not many people who are ready to help drag a bleeding body into the trunk of a car. Make no mistake, the adrenaline rush of having just killed your rich husband is not enough for you to be able to go at it alone. The smell of rotting body stays with you for a long time, it soaks into the seats like when you spill your morning coffee on the cup holders.

    Sometimes, good people do bad things in the end, it all evens itself out.

    I

  35. The Realisticer

    @4 That’s right Baby

  36. Tiger is a pussy

    Funny that a man this ugly is bangin’ a hot ass blonde chick who is home with his baby. He really is a pile of raw sewage. Oh but he plays gold really really well so that matters so much.

  37. Aunt Jemima

    Tiger is not a sexy black guy.

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  39. Oceane

    She sounds like crazy women… If it’s proven that she did hit him, she should be charged. Violence is what it is no matter what sex you are.. If he hit him there would be outrage! Why the double standard? We probably will never know the truth. If it is true that he’s had an affair then there goes his quiet lifestyle because he’s now put him on the paparazzi radar..

  40. Jay

    Tiger deserved to get hit with a golf club of all things. lol How dare he cheat on this fine young lady who mothered his 2 children. Shame on Tiger. Typical jigger.

  41. Sam

    What kind of “modeling” did she do? Did she pay thousands of dollars to have pictures taken and call herself a model? She’s common looking at best. Blonde hair does not a beautiful woman make.

  42. Long Duck Dong

    24/7 paparazzis now globally. Nothing secret anywhere, anymore. I think the poo’s gonna fly on Tiger for awhile. Hopefully he can work out a marriage arrangement deal like Sting, being able to get a little strange every now & again…

  43. Dyslexic Cnut

    Dragon #10 – Are you simply jealous because Tiger has more loose change in his pants than what you paid for your trailer home?

  44. Ellen

    Does anyone else think it’s a crying shame that his exceptional athletic genes are now diluted by her genes?

  45. lily

    case closed my ass. “are you happy now” is about to find out what true unhappiness really is. god love them both. especially elin. #29 nailed it.

  46. Chris

    Yep, I think Chris Rock said it the best when he said, “A man is only as faithful as his options”.

  47. Fa Cube Itch

    @ #44

    Crying shame? I don’t think so.

    It’s no worse than your mom and your grandpa sneaking off to the barn to rut like common water buffalo. Look on the bright side– had your mom swallowed instead, you wouldn’t be here posting your insightful commentary.

  48. It’s not that hard to figure out what’s going on here. Occam’s razor after all. Indeed she found out that Tiger is getting some great looking pussy on the side. Elin freaked out and assaulted him with slaps to the face and then finally he ran out of the house with her chasing him with said golf club and in his upset state he backs into a firehydrant and then slams into a tree. He could have been in a reduced state of consciousness as well from an injury she gave him. I would very well imagine that Elin smashed the glass on the drivers door of the Escalade not to “rescue” Tiger, but because she was still in a rage. I am pretty sure Tiger got out of the car himself and lay on the ground in a half conscious state at which point the neighbor saw Elin kneeling beside Tiger.

    Listen, I am no supporter of cheating bastards but, lets face it folks. What Elin did was seriously not ok. No one has the right to physically assault another no matter how angry. Period. For all we know maybe their marriage is as cold and dead as ice and he was very unhappy in it. One thing is for sure. Even though Tiger is protecting her for the sake of the kids, this marriage is over. Mark my words. She is extremely fortunate to be getting off as lightly as she is because of course she will be taken care of and hers will always be a life of priviledge and luxury. Nuff said.

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  50. v tard

    That is the coolest re-enactment I have ever seen. Other dude is right, looks like a cut scene from early Silent Hill.

    As for Elin…meh…that is the most average Swedish chick I have ever seen. Live in Stockholm, you’ll discover she’s really very plain.

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