Tiger Woods banged those women

December 2nd, 2009 // 86 Comments

With more allegations surfacing about Tiger Woods sticking in his penis in something besides his Swedish model wife, the golf legend issued the standard boilerplate “I’ve let my family down” statement on his website this morning:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.
Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.
But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.
Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.
I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Whether this means Tiger actually did occupy Rachel Uchitel’s vagina whenever David Boreanaz wasn’t cheating on his wife in it, remains to be seen. But I think we can all agree Elin Woods definitely kicked his ass before the crash. You don’t look like Tiger Woods then cheat on a smoking hot model without getting a 9-iron to the mouth. That’s just simple physics.

Thanks to Dave Conroy for the pic.

UPDATE: Included the voicemail after the jump of Tiger Woods asking Jaime Grubbs to remove her name from her outgoing message because his wife went through his phone and might be calling her. Jesus. Billions of dollars and he can’t pay a bodyguard to hold his phone while he’s in the shower? That’s what you get, cheapskate.

superficial

  1. a circumcized jew

    gaysex is gay.

  2. Last?

    Last?

  3. yawn

    nobody is immune to the pusseh

  4. try

    its not sex if u put it in her butt

  5. hpeszti

    You were only kidding about the whole David Boreanaz part, RIGHT?? Not Bones! he’s too honorable for that…

  6. just some guy

    While we’re asking Tiger questions, I’d like to know when he last had sex with his wife. How frequently does he masturbate. And if with porn, what kind. Who did he vote for in the last election. I’d also like a detailed description of his bowel movements. He’s a celebrity. He has no right to privacy at all. And it’s time he quit dicking around and tell us what we all deserve to know.

  7. Taz

    good move tiger

  8. dorothy gale

    I understand that Tiger is news, but why isn’t anybody calling out these skanks who had an affair with a man they knew was married? Tiger, while it is none of my business, made his bed and now should lay in it (no pun intended.) But, Us Weekly has that skank looking all innocent and she is nothing more than a homewrecking whore!! Is anybody concerned about these slutty women who obviously prostituted themselves for fame? It’s those women that make me sick too…

  9. That picture is hilarious… It had to happen right before christmas. Sucks for the guy… and well for all involved.

  10. dude_on

    Translation: fuck I got caught but I still banged some awesome pussy.

    I halfway expected him to reiterate that it was Elin that ruined Thanksgiving, so after that display of behavior everything was pretty much square between them. Thanksgiving has deep meaning to Americans. Complete disregard for one of our most important Holidays was really uncalled for on her part.

  11. It's Me Fuckers

    #9 very well said. It takes two to tango. Everyone is pointing the finger at Tiger (who has just as much blame as the women involved). Did he really expect these slutty cunts to keep their mouths shut? As far as I am concerned, if they will fuck a married man, they will tell anyone who will listen who they are banging. This is their chance at their minutes in the spotlight!

  12. It's Me Fuckers

    #11 Thanksgiving has more meaning to Americans then the vows of marriage.

  13. hmmmm

    Fish, what the hell does David Boreanaz have to do that Rachel chick??

  14. Cold busted Tiger and he met her before their first child was born. So it’s not like this is new for any of them wife probably knew it all along. Women have good intuition when it comes to these things and Tiger likes to play all the holes. He’s never been the kind of guy to shoot a hole in one.

  15. Snarky

    Geez, you know it’s some fucked up shit when Tigers behavior makes it look like Paris Hilton is the one who has morals.

  16. dude_on

    Fuckers – I think Tiger would agree with that. You are married every day of the year. Turkey Day only comes around once. You just have to respect that I think.

  17. VtFarmboy

    You cant live your life as a celeberty and not understand your life is constantly on camera and in the tabloids. The problem is with most of these celebs is they forget that. While i somwhat agree with mr woods on the privacy issue giving them some time, space and privacy to work things out within the family. for him to expect it when he wants it and not when he doesnt seems to be somewhat selfish. Yes the press needs to back off but just the same Mr woods should understand because of his celebrity everyone is interested and the press will persue it.

  18. hellen

    The real shame here is the woman he hooked up with. If I looked like him, and I was as famous and rich, I’d get something better than that piece of trash.

  19. gigi

    Predictable… it’s the perfect statement from a control freak who’s been busted. It really is none of our business what goes on….. I suppose since Tiger has established such an ‘unmussable’ image up, for anybody who cares it’s some delicious little indulgence to see him fail, but I just don’t care….. didn’t care before, don’t care now…… Reality TV has turned the world into voyeurs…. creepy

  20. Mal Carne

    This proves three of Howard Stern’s dictum:

    1. No matter how hot a woman is, some guy, somewhere, is tired of having sex with her.
    2. No man can see a child coming out of a woman’s vagina and still be turned on by her.
    3. No rich, famous guy should ever get married.

    Of course, Stern himself broke commandments 1 and 3. Idiot.

  21. SO RIGHT

    I agree with # 9.

  22. He should go away

    The ape is nothing more than another overpaid asshole. We sorry fucks go to work for a minute fraction of what the elite make. This thing is one ugly motherfucker and should have got down on his knees every day thanking God for allowing such a sorry looking fucker to be able to have such a beautiful woman.
    She should definitely woman up and take the cheater for everything she can and then go back to Sweden and find someone that looks like her.

  23. J

    Yes these women are skanks and yes they are fame seeking attention whores, but honestly ladies and gents… It’s not THEIR job to make sure TIGER doesn’t cheat on his wife.

    The husband is the limiting reagent in the cheating reaction. There will always be slutty women who want to bone and don’t give a fuck if the dick they are riding is attached to a married man. It’s the married man’s job to have enough respect for his wife to tell her how he’s feeling and either try and make it work or divorce her.

    Also, why the fuck to insanely rich celebrities even get married? You want to bang the same woman for a while, do it! You want to have a kid with her, go ahead. You don’t have to get married for any of that shit. And if she wants marriage and you don’t… do yourself both a favor and say… NEXT!

  24. Rasputins LiverR

    *

    Well….

    …..as I’ve enever thought much of the “sport” of chasing little white balls around I’ve never given a damn about Woods or any of his fellow little white ball chasers.

    *

    That said, Merry Christmas, Tiger Woods! Hahahahahahaahaaa!!!

    *

  25. Rasputins LiverR

    *

    Well….

    …..as I’ve enever thought much of the “sport” of chasing little white balls around I’ve never given a damn about Woods or any of his fellow little white ball chasers.

    *

    That said, Merry Christmas, Tiger Woods! Hahahahahahaahaaa!!!

    *

  26. Elaine

    Marriage is not for an athlete who makes a bajillion dollars. Marriage is for the guy who eats his lunch at the office, and pays his bills online. Rich athletes don’t do marriage in the traditional way. Too much on the menu.The burgers practically pop into their mouths.

    It’s going to be an expensive uphill battle for Mr. Woods, but in the end he’ll keep his family and his wife, because he’s rich. Money buys men anything. Unfortunately the sweet nectar of money, placates women and their husbands infidelities because frankly, nothing says, “I’m sorry” better than a car sized diamond.

    To all the athletes out there, stop getting married. Marriage is for the plebes, spread your genetic sexiness to us ladies. One lady at a time.

  27. Elaine

    Marriage is not for an athlete who makes a bajillion dollars. Marriage is for the guy who eats his lunch at the office, and pays his bills online. Rich athletes don’t do marriage in the traditional way. Too much on the menu.The burgers practically pop into their mouths.

    It’s going to be an expensive uphill battle for Mr. Woods, but in the end he’ll keep his family and his wife, because he’s rich. Money buys men anything. Unfortunately the sweet nectar of money, placates women and their husbands infidelities because frankly, nothing says, “I’m sorry” better than a car sized diamond.

    To all the athletes out there, stop getting married. Marriage is for the plebes, spread your genetic sexiness to us ladies. One lady at a time.

  28. Steve

    Leave the Fing guy alone.. Who cares if he cheats

  29. F*ckRandal

    Ummm…why are ppl shocked? Do this exercise with me:
    1.) Is he a man?
    2.) Is he rich?
    3.) Is he famous?
    ————————-
    Did you answer yes to any of the three questions? Then chances are that he is either currently cheating on someone or will do so whenever he gets tired of seeing the same face. This is not an issue of love or anything else…When George Mallory was asked why he wants to climb Mt. Everest he said “Because it’s there” – that sentiment very much applies to new, fresh, easy pussy…and that’s what good ol’ Tiger here did…

    And to further piss off some of you fatties on here…his wife will forgive…again…and again…and again. Why? Cause he is a man…is rich…and is famous.

    Now…who are the real whores out there?

  30. SO RIGHT

    I agree with #24 as well, although it would be a much better world if women had the self-esteem and self-respect to stay away from married men. My aunt was cheated on by her husband, and when they divorced she said she was shocked at the number of married men who came on to her. She said even if she was tempted she would stop and ask herself, “what did that woman ever do to me that I would do something so awful to her”, and she never did it to another woman, even though it was done to her. More women need to adopt this policy. It’s like prostitution, if you think about it — if there’s no market for it (no johns), then prostitution would be a thing of the past. If there are no women willing or offering….

  31. cc

    haha, love the pic. I haven’t seen a real pic of him post-incident…are there any?

    “Predictable… it’s the perfect statement from a control freak who’s been busted.”

    Absolutely. As someone else said upthread what it really means is ‘Shit, I got caught.’

    Anyway, she should take him to the cleaners. She’d get a pile of money and she could find a guy who isn’t a complete bore who takes himself too seriously.

    BTW, I think it’s fucking ridiculous that this guy could almost become a billionaire for playing fucking golf. IT’S a hobby, or a pastime, not a sport! Everyone who sits and watches this on tv should be forced to turn it off and go walk for an hour. Maybe then half the nation wouldn’t be obese.

    I’d love to be able to punk Tiger when he’s teeing off at a tournament. Set of an air horn or something.

    Anyway, I’d love it if the ho releases all his texts and vmails. That could be some funny shit right there. “Gee, I hope my wife doesn’t find out, she’ll wrap a fuckin’ club around my head. Even though I am Tiger Woods and I am fuckin’ great.’

  32. jklljk

    damn, tigers so stupid. calling his women on his main phone for all to see. everyone knows you get a second line or switch to emails. guys a total newb.

  33. Moi

    @ 9

    I agree, completely.

  34. fearsarewishes

    I would think that Tiger would have taken the golf club off his head before addressing the media.

    He is just not as smart as I thought he was.

  35. women are for sale

    “And to further piss off some of you fatties on here…his wife will forgive…again…and again…and again. Why? Cause he is a man…is rich…and is famous.”

    Frankly, either rich or famous are enough reason in their own right. Having both is the best of both worlds of course. Rich is more important obviously. You might get some interest if you are famous but not rich but that’s not common unless you are some fucked up writer or musician who blows their money.

    Seriously, want your chances of getting dates and/or laid to skyrocket? The singlemost important thing you can do is get your hands on a lot of cash.

  36. Jrz

    That Elin Woods was pretty tee’d off…hee..get it? Tee’d, tee–golf tee…*cough cough* fuck.

  37. fearsarewishes

    #36

    Huh?

    English is not your first language, is it?

  38. Drew

    @9

    Are you just thick headed? Society doesn’t give a shit about nobody attention whores. They care about the person they see on TV all the time, the person that until now, has been damn near picture perfect. That’s why. No, nobody cares about attention whoring women wanting fame. In fact, your post seems to be promoting them getting attention for being well, attention whores by smearing their name as well.

    Think before you post.

  39. Mich

    #23. Why do you have to be such a stupid racist? Yeah, Tiger Woods was wrong, but calling him an ape is racist and pathetic. By the way, if he’s a primate – do you even know what that is, moron – and your’re not, why could he buy and sell you 1000 times over. You don’t have a massive fortune that you’ve made from your own talent, so it sounds like YOU are the one at the bottom of the evolutionary ladder.

  40. #40 is a bitch

    @ #40
    Your post made no sense. Perhaps you should be the one thinking before they post. I think all #9 was saying was that these “women” are looked at as though they’re heroes for bringing down Tiger. They also acknowledged that Tiger was to blame for his role but the women seem to be glorified-as though it’s ok to not have any dignity. These are whorish women and even though society may look the other way, doesn’t make it right. Even though they’re making money off of selling their story, money doesn’t buy class. They’re still trash who slept with a married man-KNOWINGLY.

  41. Rough'in ain't easy

    I guess you cant be a “professional” in every aspect of your life… this guy wasnt discreet one bit…Now he’s back to “family man” huh?

  42. junk2667

    After watching more than a million hours of golf in my life, I can tell you that is not Tiger’s voice. That tape is bullshit. But, you can’t really expect truth from US Weekly. It’s a piece of shit tabloid. I personally don’t care if he cheated or not, but lets not kill the guys reputation over a bunch of sluts confessions and faked evidence.

  43. SO RIGHT

    I just looked at the picture again and laughed so hard I cried! HA HA HA HA OMG — SO funny!

  44. Ben

    MediaCurves.com conducted a study among 301 Americans about the rumors regarding Tiger Woods’ accident. Among the rumors, Woods’ alleged affair with Rachel Uchitel was the rumor that most respondents believed to be true. Nearly one-third of Americans indicated that they now have a more negative perception of Tiger Woods and 18% stated that they were less likely to purchase products endorsed by Tiger Woods. More in depth results can be seen at:
    http://www.mediacurves.com/NationalMediaFocus/J7662-TigerWoodsCrash/Index.cfm
    Thanks,
    Ben

  45. Molly

    Stop posting about this shit, who gives a fuck? Nobody gave a shit about Tiger Woods’ personal life a week ago and nobody should care now. Oh, he got in a car accident? He’s cheating on his wife? Who cares. I want to read about celebrity trainwrecks like Lindsay Lohan, not about a generally good guy who fucked up the one time.

  46. jlylec

    i’d fuck ALL those girls tiger’s got…including ellin…he’s a long-legged mack daddy.

  47. MokeyMan777

    Ah….but Molly, Toger may just have gotten on the celebrity trainwreck Amtrack line….but compared to Laid Low, he’ll be sitting in the first class car.

  48. Max Planck

    PING!

  49. harbor

    Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. We all learn one way or another (some harder then others) that relationships take effort. Just because you are married to a smokin’ hot Sweedish model, you have to make it work. The cheap ho’s in Vegas look great after five cocktails, but they are just that, cheap ho’s or they wouldn’t be there! Focus on your wife, make it work, she probably would like the attention too (takes two to tango), then figure out your driver!

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