Tiger Woods: America’s #1 Golfing Robot

Less than an hour ago Tiger Woods delivered a press conference with about as much emotion as a quarterly stock report at a shareholders meeting. Which let’s be honest, was entirely what it was. Here are some of the highlights:

- Elin Woods was not there proving her moral code stops somewhere between gold-digging and prop wife.
– But Tiger’s mommy was there making me feel encouraged that my own mother will be at my press conference whenever somebody finds all the hookers I’ve been with. (Hint: Don’t look in the landfill.)
– A bunch of cold, dead words read by an unfeeling robot programmed for golfing and fucking.
– Some deflection about the paparazzi following his daughter to school. Because Tiger Woods just became famous in November.
– Money and fame made Tiger feel entitled to an unlimited pussy buffet. As it should, commie.
– Elin never attacked Tiger. EVER. Now everyone nod their head in agreement. She’s perched in the ceiling of the foyer like a ninja.
– A bunch of crap about being a role model to kids then saving them with his magic golf powers.
– Me realizing Tiger Woods somehow pulled off making Chris Brown’s YouTube apology to Rihanna look sincere.

I’m sure I’m missing a few points, but this thing was like taking two Xanax then listening to your grandfather describe toast.

Photos: Getty