Tiger Woods: America’s #1 Golfing Robot

February 19th, 2010 // 69 Comments

Less than an hour ago Tiger Woods delivered a press conference with about as much emotion as a quarterly stock report at a shareholders meeting. Which let’s be honest, was entirely what it was. Here are some of the highlights:

- Elin Woods was not there proving her moral code stops somewhere between gold-digging and prop wife.
- But Tiger’s mommy was there making me feel encouraged that my own mother will be at my press conference whenever somebody finds all the hookers I’ve been with. (Hint: Don’t look in the landfill.)
- A bunch of cold, dead words read by an unfeeling robot programmed for golfing and fucking.
- Some deflection about the paparazzi following his daughter to school. Because Tiger Woods just became famous in November.
- Money and fame made Tiger feel entitled to an unlimited pussy buffet. As it should, commie.
- Elin never attacked Tiger. EVER. Now everyone nod their head in agreement. She’s perched in the ceiling of the foyer like a ninja.
- A bunch of crap about being a role model to kids then saving them with his magic golf powers.
- Me realizing Tiger Woods somehow pulled off making Chris Brown’s YouTube apology to Rihanna look sincere.

I’m sure I’m missing a few points, but this thing was like taking two Xanax then listening to your grandfather describe toast.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. immune

    you are turning into a real a$$hole, sf. i’m off to egotastic.com!

  2. Felix

    Golf robot or sex robot?

  3. JB

    @immune — Pussy.

  4. Oz

    #1 is right… I used to enjoy coming to this site but you have turned into an asshole.

  5. Danklin

    Lmao that was some funny shit Fish

  6. Danklin

    What exactly about that makes fish an asshole? Everything he said is true

  7. I don’t think he was robotic, I think he was exhausted and on the verge of crying at various points. Personally, I think it should have remained between him and his wife, but what gets me is all the public thinking we deserve to be in the middle of this or any other private relationship. I’m not into golf, I feel for the whole family.

  8. Courtyardpigeon

    Is Tiger Woods serious? Does that guy ever exude emotion? That was the worst apology ever.

  9. Smarm

    “3. JB – February 19, 2010 12:12 PM

    @immune — Pussy.”

    JB= tough guy.

    Shut the fuck up, clown… hes exactly right… and to #6, no, everything Fish said is FAR from true. You want to bash him for fucking around, go ahead..but when he goes up there and acts contrite and mans up for shit when he owes no one SHIT besides his wife and kids, shut the fuck up and post a set of DD’s.. you’ve went from being extremely funny to just boorish and cowardly. Easy to talk shit like this when you’re a keyboard warrior, I suppose.

  10. Rhialto

    Thats a good piece of journalism! Even the word ‘f*cking’ is ethic justified this time!

  11. Willie Dixon

    @1 and 4 – If you should be pissed at the Superficial for anything, it’s the continious posts of the other robot Heidi McPlastictitsandface and Tila Tequila. NOT becuase he made a good call on Tiger Woods reading form a script he never rehearsed and couldn’t emote to save his life. His lack of emotion is probably what makes him a great golfer and a lousy family man.

  12. bigpapi

    Dude:
    What do you want the guy to say? His has been on top of the world until now. He just stood before you and admitted his mistakes without deflecting blame. He took it 100%. It was the hardest thing he has ever done. So he is robotic. Who cares?

  13. Darth

    TW and ‘making love’ that would have been hypocrite.’Intercourse’ doesn’t fit in our demographics.Maybe ‘mating’ would have made a chance?!

  14. dee

    Those are the most soulless eyes I’ve seen in a while.

  15. Danklin

    First of all he didn’t admit to shit we didn’t already know about. The guy fucked a boatload of women while he was married and had 2 kids and kept it all hidden from them for appearances sake. Fuck the apology, he didn’t owe an apology to anyone but his family. But this guy is an asshole of John Mayer proportions.

  16. Matt

    Funny to see all the people who agree and disagree … Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the world by far … But when it comes to public speaking he truly looks robotic and he should of just kept quiet. Like many of you have been saying this is a private manner and who cares if he fucked a bunch of chicks. The only thing I’m saying is ” THIS SPEECH MADE HIM LOOK BAD ”

    And ohhh #1 I enjoy Egotastic as well :)

  17. This was about as sincer as a Katie Price wedding vow.

    Check out our top celebrity ‘sex addicts’ here!

    http://www.handbag.com/relationships/Celebrity-sex-addicts-tiger-woods/gallery

  18. This was about as sincer as a Katie Price wedding vow.

    Check out our top celebrity ‘sex addicts’ here!

    http://www.handbag.com/relationships/Celebrity-sex-addicts-tiger-woods/gallery

  19. cc

    ha! stick in the knife in fish! Tiger is a douchebag, it was a self-serving, tepid apology that won over no one, and if that’s the best he can do, he shouldn’t have bothered. @1 & @4…piss off. Or better yet go lick Tigers balls and see if there’s still a whiff of skank on them.

  20. Josh

    The public should GTFO of their business. Tiger doesn’t owe anyone other than his family an apology.

  21. Janne

    Lets make a few things straight, about this whole charade. 1# Elin is a professional golddigger, so she had it coming. 2# Tiger did exactly what all guys would and should do in he’s position. 3# Tiger has never claimed to be anything else than a good golfer, at best, so whats the problem? 4# If Tiger was a rockstar, not a golfstar, he would be praised. 5# Tiger is a hero for all man kind.

  22. Madonna's Old Ass

    Best summary I’ve read yet.
    Tiger Woods is an asshole. I’m just surprised he was able to cry on queue.
    But I’m sure he used a memory locked away to help the water works.
    Perhaps he remembered the first time one of his whores told him “I got another abortion. Now how about a blowjob sailor?”

  23. SO RIGHT

    This is a gossip website, so FISH can say whatever he wants, firstly. Secondly, anyone can apologize for anything. It’s the change of behavior that makes a verbal apology legitimate, so let’s see if TIGER changes his behavior. If he doesn’t, the apology wasn’t sincere.

  24. Bob Smith

    This guy is such a cunt. Granted I’m just a jealous pion but he is a cunt none the less. I wonder how long before the full head shave. Balding prick…..

  25. stupidass

    Everyone who is bashing Fish:

    Fish exists to poke fun, be cynical, and show T&A. That’s what we’re all doing here, you morons. Take note.

  26. Kirk

    He has nothing to apologize for, outside his family. If your life is so hollow that you watched this, then you make me sad. I think he should golf, continue beating up on everyone else on the tour and never say anything again to anyone in the media. I don’t care if he has any affairs, i don’t care about his semi-pretty wife, I don’t care about his kids. Golf was boring before he hit the tour, is boring without him. I only watch the last hour of any tournament he is playing in if he is leading or in contention. No other golfer generates any interest.

  27. Fuzzy Tingle Times(NS)

    You could have worn a tie Tiger.

  28. Pinkie Bling

    The last line of this post made me snort. Whether you think Tiger was sincere or not, that’s some funny wordsmith-ing.

  29. y3n0

    eww..egotastic.com seems like a douchey site without the creative prose and meanderings of Mr. Fish. They both like tits, though!

  30. Smarm Fan Club

    Smarm = Homosexual

  31. Bud

    to #26

    I’d be inclined to agree with you if this guy just played golf and that’s it. But instead, he made sure that he invaded every home in America as much as he humanly could. TV, magazines, billboards, video games….no family in America could get away from this guy. Nike, Buick, Gatorade, Tag Heuer, Gillette, AT&T, all day every day in families’ faces. Then, one day, little 8 year old Johnny turns on the TV and sees journalists talking about how his idol banged a bunch of tramps behind his wife and kids’ back. But hey, it’s cool, right? No harm done.

    Fuck this guy.

    • Robbo

      Late down the line (October), but I’ll have my say anyhow- Tiger invaded no -one- NIKE, TAYLORMADE, ALL OTHER SPONSORS DID!! IF they offered you a million bucks to stick your face on everyones TV you would too and so would I!

  32. I’m just glad Tiger publicly apologized. He *owed* me and you a personal apology for being an adulterer. Who cares about his wife or kids–he owed the PUBLIC an apology! Never, ever, in the history of all celebrity has anyone ever been caught screwing around–this was the first time ever and it’s good to know he’s come clean to us all.

  33. Madonna's Old Ass

    @ #26 – Kirk

    You do realize you’re posting on a website that earns it’s fans and living by making fun of celebrities and their indiscretions right?
    The fact that you visit here makes your entire post a giant pile of hypocritical crap.

  34. Dank24

    Thunderstud you suck at sarcasm

  35. hateyoufornoreason

    I admire his wife for not trotting up there like a show pony and gazing lovingly at him while he admitted that he fucked a bunch of lowlife whores behind her back. Fuck him.

  36. Hecubus

    He should have just denied it all. People would have believed him. Who’s gonna think a guy that looks like one of the bodies that washed ashore after the Phucket tsunami could get so many women?

  37. Madonna's Old Ass

    @ 36

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    This dude couldn’t even PAY for trim if he was an accountant.

    TW is one homely, ugly Mofo.

    Elin deserves all the cash he has for having to get that fug ass piling on her every night.
    I’m sure she screams out in ecstasy every time she reads his bank statement while he throws his eggroll in her.

  38. undahpresha

    Pick a side Fish! You’re getting gayer by the week! You better check what’s under that skirt of yours.
    On the one hand I’ve seen you comment what you would do to this pussy and that pussy, then here now on this article you’re gonna go and sweat Tiger’s nuts about how sincere or insincere his apology was? Slap yourself you closet pole-smoker.
    This guy should be your God.
    Tiger Woods: Hits small white ball on green. Balls white chicks because he stacks green. Would have been the end of the story but the dumbass got caught.
    I’m with Fiddy who said Tiger should have been banging married women who would have a lot to lose by telling.

  39. PHug

    To: the reporter on this story

    FUNNIEST SUMMARY EVER.

    I’ve never LOL at any story on this site.
    You deserve a raise or a spin-off site or free hookers

  40. BeeTee

    I think Dave Chappelle called this along time ago when he announce after the racial draft that he lost all of his sponsors… Tough Luck @$*#! There’s always Fubu!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeBFV2hjF1c

  41. Jamie Lynn's Uterus

    Haven’t we all had just about enough of N i g g e r Woods? I know I have. He’s dull as hell and is robotic, fish is right. He’s not a role model or anything else. He hits a tiny ball across grass into a hole. Big fuckin’ deal?

  42. Al

    This was no apology with no commitment behind his words. It was written by his PR people and only one section was almost memorized. His face and verbiage was unemotional, lifeless and no one with a brain is buying this bullshit especially his wife. This is what happens after you fuck your brains out. Clearly he’d rather be fucking some hot whores like his dad taught him rather than making an ass out of himself in front of the world and becoming a pussy at the same time. This is a failure of his management by not keeping a lid on the women and his cock. A shorter speech with less “sorry” would have got him off the hook and he would have maintained some of his dignity. Remember, always say less than necessary.

  43. Big Wednesday

    To all the geniuses saying Tiger Woods does not owe an apology to anyone, but his family…..

    You realize the only reason he “apologized” was because he needs to redeem his public support and admiration, so sponsors will see him as marketable again and once again throw him millions and millions of dollars. That’s all this was and it was pretty fucking obvious.

  44. chick

    Fantastic commentary, Fish!!

  45. The REAL Tiger

    (Watch me lie to y’all like I did all those horny fame seeking whores) Many in this room have helped me hide my affairs and now that I’m busted I’m sorry and realize how selfish I am. However, had I not been found out I would still be banging that pussy. And I really want to golf again so I’m willing to make a fool of myself and “humble” myself in front of Y’all so I look human. I’m going to help continue educate young people to go and get sum, millions of kids.. But I’m a PRIVATE person. Y’all know why I’m private, because I’ve got A LOT OF SHIT to hide. Not cuz I’m a respectable dude. I never thought about who I was hurting, just who I was squirting. The money made me do it!!! Shit, why did I get married? Oh jeez, no more strange pussy, ever now! Damn that bitch that called my cell phone on Thanksgiving. I could be banging her or some other broad right now, but instead I got to go out and be a “Real man”. Shit. This sucks. So, sorry y’all found out I can’t keep my dick in my pants and I like big white tit-tays. I thought I could settle for Elin’s tittay’s, and now it looks like I’ll have to. By the way, I never took performance enhancing drugs. This is false. I never took Viagra, ever. I always kept my wife and kids away from me and my career, otherwise how could I get my shit on the side? Being a private person has rocked, and now I can use it not for my future affairs, but for the public’s sympathy to leave me and my familia alone. Oh yeah, I was raised a Latino. As a Latino I learned “more cushion for the pushin” That is what has gotten me through all of this, and in therapy it’s helped me to realize I need to stay centered and not try to find that g-spot. I plan to return to golf one day, and I’m sure once these bitches I screwed are done with their 15 minutes of fame (because of me thank you) you’ll see me back on the course. Thank you to PGA and all the players (fuckers haven’t been caught). I can’t wait to see you bastards. Today I want to ask for your help and forgiveness and believe in me so I can just go on in life and make my millions playing a game. Thank you.

  46. Michael Bay

    So did everyone like our test run of the amimatronics will be using for the new Transformers movie next year? The Tiger-Bot took over 3000 man hours to complete, and we still working until the wee hours before the press conference.

    Were planing on using it to replace Megan Fox.

    Huge thanks to me and folks at ILM for a kick ass test of the new tech.

    Cameron can kiss my ass, I am all about the mind blowing movie making.

    See ya next summer!

  47. bar room hero

    He has been replaced…

  48. Hi Guy’s,
    Does that guy ever exude emotion? That was the worst apology ever…

  49. Jeff

    god tiger got enough chapstick on there? eating out all those porn stars must really dry out a mans lips, and give them aids

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