Tiger Woods admits affairs, announces ‘indefinite break’ from golf

In light of having sex with basically every single woman in the history of time (Looking at you, Mary Todd Lincoln), Tiger Woods has announced he’ll be taking an “indefinite break” from golf to try and be happy with just Elin Woods’ vagina:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.
I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.
After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.
Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

So that last line means he’s having whores FedEx’d to the house isn’t he? HA! Being rich is awesome.

Photo: Getty