Tiger Woods Wrote Us a Letter

November 19th, 2010 // 24 Comments
Tiger Woods

Despite being an emotionless robot built only for golf and making sure hooker vaginas function properly, Tiger Woods wrote an essay for the latest issue of Newsweek where he pretends he cooks his children dinner, and, for the first time ever, calls his accusers liars but clearly doesn’t mean it because, let’s not kid ourselves, he banged them:

Slowly, I’m regaining the balance that I’d lost. My healing process is far from complete, but I am beginning to appreciate things I had overlooked before. I’m learning that some victories can mean smiles, not trophies, and that life’s most ordinary events can bring joy. Giving my son, Charlie, a bath, for example, beats chipping another bucket of balls. Making mac and cheese for him and his sister, Sam, is better than dining in any restaurant. Sharing a laugh watching cartoons or reading a book beats channel-surfing alone. Some nights now, it’s just me and the kids, an experience that’s both trying and rewarding. Probably like the experience a lot of families have every evening around the world.
… I have a lasting gratitude to those who stood by me in ways large and small. Unfortunately, opportunists are trying still to cash in on my troubles, no matter how irresponsible or ridiculous their claims may be. In many cases, I’ve never even met these people. But there’s no way I can dispute each lie without provoking more. Besides, everyone has probably heard more than they ever wanted to about my private life.

Wow. Am I the only one who interpreted that last line as, “You ain’t even found them dead bitches yet?” Good God. Also, does anyone honestly believe Tiger Woods cooks his children mac and cheese? A.) Those kids probably eat caviar served from the stuffed head of an albino tiger. B.) Tiger Woods didn’t excel at golf just to sit around slaving over a stove like Mammy from Gone With the Wind. That’s racism. And C.) If his kids seriously did ask him to cook, he’d just stand there motionless because everyone knows he recharges his power core at five p.m. every night.

CHARLIE: Mommy, why does daddy beep and sometimes say, “Maximum Hooker Penetration at 75%.”
ELIN: …. Here’s a gold brick. Go play with your sister.
CHARLIE: But I wanted a speedboat.
ELIN: Scoot!

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. bottom boil

    meh

  2. jojo

    This is like giving 50% off a bruised banana. No one’s buying it.

  3. Ksurfiws

    Tiger Woods is the Best Golfer in the History of Banging Prostitutes and Porn Stars.

  4. Gold brick.. wow aint heard that phrase in ages~

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCMVpFUWXq4

  5. Lady Blah Blah

    It’s sad to see people pathologize their sex lives when their sex lives don’t match up to consensus reality expectations. “My healing process is far from complete…” Healing from what? A normal desire to fuck? Cheating, lying, and not thinking through the possible consequences of such behavior is one thing but wanting to fuck is not something one needs to be healed from (even if all Tiger wants to fuck are skanks).

    • Blah Blah I agree. Tiger wanting to have sex all the time with different women wasn’t the problem. The deception, lying, sneaknig around, cheating on his wife and the consquences of his desires are the problem. I still don’t know why he married. If he had fucked all these women while single no one could have said a THING about him. In fact, I think most MEN would think “I hate/envy/worship that fucker!!! Not only is he the best golfer in the world, he can have any woman he desires anytime … bastich!!!”

      But noooooooo, he had to go and pretend to want domestication. Buffoon….

    • No shit. The pussification of man. Scientifically proven is that most ppl dont see 3 sec ahead. And sexual attraction is involuntary. Only apology needed was for having such a low threshold for what hed fuck.

  6. Had he have had sex with all t hose women while not married or have children, would anyone have thought he needed therapy? Would anyone have even blinked and eye over it? We would have been surprised if he HADN’T of had a playboy lifestyle. Problem here is the MORAL aspect of what he did, specifically to his kids and wife. As Blah Blah just stated, the issue is his lying and deception, NOT THE SEX. Wanting sex is normal. Wanting a lot of sex is normal. Wanting a lot of sex for a verile athlete with multiple partners IS NORMAL.

    I say, now that you are single, go fuck your brains out Tiger!!! Just, don’t do something stupid like get married again or have more kids and ruin the lives of those innocents.

  7. aGneS

    “B.) Tiger Woods didn’t excel at golf just to sit around slaving over a stove like Mammy from Gone With the Wind. That’s racism.”

    oH, lollolololllfartlololllololol

  8. anonymous

    surprising how much tiger can write on a cocktail napkin while he stalks his next white waitress conquest.

  9. Yeah but making mac and cheese and watching cartoons isn’t as fun as having some tight twat chick run reverse cowboy on your rod as you drop a hot one, is it Tiger ??? Fucking asshole liar !

  10. Tom hillfiger

    This is one fugly fuking nikanese.

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  12. Robert Acquafresca

    Tiger is proof that when ugly reproduces with attractive, ugly wins everytime. Thanks Dad!!

  13. Doshii

    All I gotta say is that the little conversation at the end made me loudly laugh at work. You never fail to lighten up the day, Superficial. Continue to rock (and earn speedboats).

  14. wim

    he can’t read so it’s rubbish.

  15. Wos

    ha ha ha at all of your comments……….but each and every one is just jealous of his talent……..his money and of course the power and fame that comes with being wealthy and one of the best golfers in the world!

  16. Paul City of Orange

    Everybody forgave Bill Clinton. So let’s do the same for Mr. Woods. After all he had a ruff childhood. I can’t imagine what it would have been like growing up with the name, Tiger.

  17. Facebook me

    Spot on Fish: “Also, does anyone honestly believe Tiger Woods cooks his children mac and cheese? A.) Those kids probably eat caviar served from the stuffed head of an albino tiger.”

    He had me slightly convinced when he made that statement.

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