Tiger Woods is an Idiot

March 21st, 2011 // 84 Comments

What you’re looking at is the October 2010 mug shot of Alyse Lahti Johnson after she was pulled over for DUI. Turns out she’s Tiger Woods‘ new girlfriend proving God really does have a sense of humor after all. (Those nuclear reactors in Japan? Two days away from launching a fuel rod into a scientist’s groin. Now that’s comedy!) So not only has Tiger significantly downgraded from Elin Nordegren who he epically cheated on, but he’s dating a Faces of Meth candidate who’s already blabbing to friends how’s she using him. RadarOnline reports:

“She sent a BBM to a mutual friend of ours saying she didn’t consider herself Tiger’s girlfriend. They were just having a good time hooking up,” the source tells us.
“That’s in keeping with Alyse’s personality, the source says. “She is a really nice girl, smart and super friendly. And she’s also a bit of a wild child. She definitely likes to have fun.”

Shorter version: She does anal.

Alright, look, I understand Tiger probably doesn’t want anything serious either, but you’d think with his money he’d be able to buy any woman he wants, starting with one who doesn’t look like she steals pills from the elderly during her shift at an Arkansas nursing home. If I were him, I’d be chasing my ex-wife’s twin sister with a sack full of diamonds and yacht keys, but that’s just me and my fear of change coupled with a deep appreciation for Swedish models. Did I mention she’s also white? Just tossing that out there.

Photos: Fame, INF, WENN

superficial

  1. IttyBittyTittyCommittee

    agreed

  2. cc

    Ladies…you know how when you go to the make up counter in various stores they use the same brush on you as they do on everyone else? I always thought that was a bad idea. See exhibit A above.

    • kerri

      totally agree – gross

      • Kate

        Not to take up for this girl b/c anyone that would date Tiger Woods now is yuck, but I think this may be a case of bad lighting. As you can see the light is coming in really strong on her nose too. Plus she looks like she’s been crying which made her eyes puffy and face look swollen. Anyway, the truth of the matter is that even in good lighting with the best Photoshop work she is still nowhere near the same league as Elin. This girl is like a 3 or 4 and Elin is like a 10 plus some.

  3. Alyse Lahti Johnson Tiger Woods New Girlfriend
    Me
    Commented on this photo:

    This? Really? Perfectly good Renee Olstead leaked photos out there and you post this?

  4. Any Guy

    but haven’t you heard Tiger’s problem? ITS HARD BEING A SINGLE DAD YOU GUYS!!! now he has to date cast-aways from Dog the Bounty Hunter. GOLF IS A TOUGH TRADE!

  5. Cock Dr

    Respectable women won’t go near him, for even the lure of yacht keys & diamonds won’t make up for the incredible STD risk.
    Tiger’s stuck with the hos & like a certain Charlie Crackhead he may not consider that a problem. He’s winning (except on the green).

  6. molly

    only bitches who bang billionaires have the balls to smile in mugshots

  7. Licensed Gynocologist

    Tiger has played on so many courses, he is used to putting his balls into anything.

  8. kj

    @molly that’s funny because it’s true

    P.S. I smile in all my mugshots too; fuckin’ po-po got nothing on me, so why not smile?

    P.P.S. I bet she’s hot when not wasted and in bad lighting…

  9. Neen

    She is pretty, she just has crackhead skin.

  10. ChinaSuperficial

    Wow. Heather Locklear is still alive?

  11. Deacon Jones

    Is that a giant zit or a herpes sore on the corner of her mouth?

    If Tiger gave her it, she better watch out. It’s probably some virulent, mutant strain that turns your whole head into a puss-filled whoopie cushion prior to exploding.

    • Jimbo

      Just what I wanted to read before breakfast…

    • cc

      Depends which one you are talking about…there’s a smattering of them above and below the corners of her lip, on both sides. And then there’s the crustry are on top of her upper lip. If you want a precise medical diagnosis, you have to be specific.

  12. That Guy

    I like how Superficial has Tiger’s ex wife pictures in the same category with Tiger’s new gf, lol.

  13. Elin Nordegren Woods Bikini
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder just how sorry Tiger is that he threw away his marriage (and a large chunk of his $$) to this incredible shiny piece of hot Swedish womanhood.

  14. I bet she cleans up real nice.

  15. Kirk

    I am guessing that Tiger went outside his marriage because Elin is one of those good looking model types that have no talent in bed. Much more fun to bang a 4 than a 10 that is frigid.

  16. misskittykat

    I don’t know what she needs more: Proactive or Herpecin.

  17. Bandit82BaBy

    She looks like Brett Farve’s baby sister..cuz the other ugly sister is already eating box……in prison…for meth…like this chick uses…see the correlation??

  18. RoboZombie

    Tiger needs to talk to Charlie

  19. anon

    So there are those desperate enough to still try and make the Tiger/ Pro cheating athlete into a skin colour issue. Get over it. It was a cheating, entitlement, ambien abusing, ‘cocktail waitress/ call girl, Im wealthy and powerful and can buy anyone’s loyalty situation. Plus, for the record, he did date Tyra Banks for a while. Big whoop. Tyra has also dated men who are not black. Again, so what?

  20. EllieEls

    Nice eye booger.

  21. The heart wants what the heart wants. The heart wants anal in a Denny’s restroom.

  22. adolf hitler

    hideous whore > pretty prude

  23. Freddie Sees

    Wow! I am by no means racist, in fact “some of my best friends are white” but this guy takes the cake…from O.J.Simpson AND Quincy Jones for being King of the White Women Self Hater Crown! He couldn’t find ONE black or asian woman on crack with a police record to hook up with!? Go Tiger Go…some ni…um, people never learn!

  24. Tyler

    And little did Tiger know, she had a small herp lurking on the edges of her blow hole…

  25. Reg Dunlop

    Hello!! Winning!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. wow ,Tiger Woods is banging Golem now.

  27. Ron Mexico

    I’d hit it two times.

  28. Is this really difficult to understand? Look at a photo of Elin and one of Alyse…which one looks like a chick who will do anything and everything your perverted mind can dream up, and which one looks like she’s going to say “I just had my hair done…you can rub it on my leg”

  29. Aggie

    From the look of her I’m gonna assume they bonded over all their shared STDs.

  30. Bill Clinton's alter ego

    Elin makes her look like Snokki’s retarded blonde cousin

  31. All that is rough in the world

    Any reason why they leaked hayden chrytienson(what ever) in make up before he turn to the dark side. Im starting to get tired of the word leak.

    • All that is rough in the world

      Its been what? 5 YEARS since the movie came out. Lucas probably going to revamp the whole franchise again. Oh well.

  32. kerri

    I’m really quite shocked at the number of you who would rather date an ugly whore than a gorgeous prude. That’s quite scary. An ugly whore is easy sure but do you want to wake up next to that? Gross. If her SKIN looks that dirty, can you imagine what her nether-regions look like? Do you all want STDs? Can you go down on someone like that? Eck. I would rather shoot myself in the face than be with someone who looked ‘dirty’.
    Also, all the other sites have a pretty nice photo of her up saying that Tiger is dating another ‘beautiful woman’ and comparing her to his ex wife. I certainly hope she and everyone else sees this shot of her. What a pig.
    Good day to you all : )

    • Don’t let the Interhatz hit you in the ass on the way out.

    • STD’s can get cured with a handfull of pills. Insufferable frigid bitch is forever…but something tells me Kerri already knew that.

      • Jennyjenjen

        Nope, this girl looks like a walking AIDS case. Tiger can at least find a more attractive broad who will, as you put it, do anything and everything his perverted mind can dream up.. While still having his dick intact when he walks away.

  33. Not good

    I wonder if that shit on her lip is gonna show up on Tiger’s dick. Someone buy that bitch some Valtrex or something.

  34. nmi9dream

    What’s a BBM? Big Black Message??

  35. Alyse Lahti Johnson Tiger Woods New Girlfriend
    oliver laurel
    Commented on this photo:

    Uglier than a basket of stomach flu laundry. I like the Herpes simplex 2 on the lips, classy.

  36. Alyse Lahti Johnson Tiger Woods New Girlfriend
    Dr. Hufurrrrr
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like the kind of “lady” that gives herself a dirty sanchez.

  37. threeringcircus

    This guy aside from his ex-wife has terrible taste in women. Apparently all you need is fake blonde hair.

  38. pessimism

    if you google her there are a couple of non mugshot photos that give you a much better idea of what she looks like. Aside from being over tanned shes actually pretty bangin, and as others have mentioned she is probably a demon with no limits in the sack.

    • I think you have that backwards. This picture tells us what she really looks like without being Photoshopped or with a paper bag over her face. Her body might be banging, and she may be a freak in the sack, but it’s hard to win tournaments when you got leftover butter on your face and blisters on your putter.

  39. Jess

    “Join us…”

  40. She should try out for Jersey Short. That herpe in the corner of her mouth is an instant ticket onto the show.

  41. Oz Matters

    I’d hit it …. with penicillin.

  42. Karina

    Looks like Tiger has been Teeing off on her face….(sexual innuendos intended) lol

  43. Alyse Lahti Johnson Tiger Woods New Girlfriend
    Jade
    Commented on this photo:

    She can’t smile properly because Meth left her without teeth

  44. GORGEOUS

    oh comon i could tell she was really pretty even from looking at the above really bad mug shot.
    the shapely lips, high defined cheeckbones, the eyes (obviously swollen). and good face shape..
    here are some more pics of her from another site:
    she’s gorgeous
    http://cdn.evilbeetgossip.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Alyse-Lahti-Johnston-3.jpg
    http://cdn.evilbeetgossip.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Alyse-Lahti-Johnston-2.jpg

    • threeringcircus

      Are you high? She is admittedly not as bad looking as the mugshot makes her look, but she isn’t anywhere near gorgeous.

  45. Alyse Lahti Johnson Tiger Woods New Girlfriend
    Lita
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s ’cause a meth head won’t care what he sticks his dick into while he’s paying the bills.

  46. Synndarella

    She does look DOG-ROUGH in this pic, but you can see she’s a pretty girl, maybe not TOO bright though, dating the self-proclaimed Sex-addict, who is SO addicted to sex that he blanks his own bed and finds another….. and another, and another, and another, and another… OK I’m bored..

  47. misskittykat

    We should thank her for boosting the economy. She supplies jobs for a countless number of photo editors for those professional photo shoots.

  48. reformed_druid

    Honestly she doesn’t look any worse than Charlies girls. We are in a recession, a dollar doesn’t buy as much these days.

  49. Strange how everyone assumes Tiger is attractive. Elin was “frigid” . . . it had nothing to do with the fact that she likely simply wasn’t sexually interested in him any more. Tiger looks like a chubby-cheeked Baby Huey, even in his late 30s or 40s (however old he is). NOT sexy. He has nothing going except money. His press conference was pathetic . . . he looked like a resentful 8 year-old pouty-face that was mad he had been caught. But in the end, Elin has made out like gang-busters because Tiger, well, isn’t the brightest, even with all his money. On top of that she doesn’t have to get in bed with that any more. I’m sure she’s thrilled she had a good excuse to get rid of him and take his bank.

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