Tiger Woods Gets DUI – Probably High On Vagina

**Ok, I know women don’t come in 12-packs… but if there were anyone on the planet that could commission scientists to make “bottled vagina” it would probably be Tiger Woods.**

Memorial Day weekend is intended to give Americans a chance to remember and honor those that serve and have served in the armed forces. While most of us get together with family and friends to casually black out around children and open flames, Tiger Woods took it upon himself to take a (club-through-a-window-less) joyride after he “accidentally” mixed his prescription drugs. Tiger insists that it wasn’t booze, but it’s hard to believe all he was drinking was orange Fanta while Eiffel-towering a Denny’s waitress with the golf pro at nearby Mar-a-Lago.

“I want the public to know that alcohol was not involved. What happened was an unexpected reaction to prescribed medications. I didn’t realize the mix of medications had affected me so strongly.”

Look at that mug shot and tell me he didn’t wash a few Ambien and Vicodin down with a couple John Daly’s… SHIT- Tiger Woods in an orange jumpsuit holding a bottle of pills and mumbling incoherently about the time he played golf with the president just became this year’s SECOND laziest Halloween costume.*

*The laziest would obviously be just dressing in normal clothes and holding a pair of tickets in the air and calling yourself a Fyre Fest ticket scalper.*