Thor’s A Woman And Captain America’s Probably Black #ThanksObama

The Superficial / July 16, 2014

In the same week that saw Archie gunned down in a mall shooting saving his gay best friend from a right-wing nut, Marvel announced on The View yesterday that Thor’s a woman now. And according to writer Jason Aaron, “she’s not She-Thor or Lady Thor. She’s not Thorika. She is Thor. This is the new Thor.” So there you have it, and from a man whose first Thor arc was a goddamn masterpiece (I’d almost say it’s his magnum opus, but Southern Bastards only just started.) On top of that, Joe Quesada is making another big Marvel announcement on The Colbert Report tonight, and all signs are pointing to that being a Black Captain America, so somewhere a KKK candy kitchen just exploded. Now how do I, a long-time comic reader with his virginal penis tucked safely in a Mylar bag, feel about this? Exactly like I did when Wallace became The Human Torch: I don’t give a shit as long as the story is good. You could make Spider-Man a transgender koala bear who smacks gossip bloggers in the face with his 25 dicks, and I’d go, “Great. Awesome. How’s the story?” after suing you for stealing my fan-fiction. Just stealing it so hard. These characters were created in a time when they had to be predominantly white, straight males or else they wouldn’t sell because the golden, white picket fence age of America that Obama clearly stole from us with his nigger-knife was racist as shit and crazy misogynistic. Not only could you beat and maritally rape your wife with abandon, but you could divorce her, take the kids and leave her dirt poor while a judge politely offers you a smooth Pall Mall for the drive over to your mistress’ place. And some of you just teared up reading that, didn’t you? Goddammit.

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Photo: Esad Ribic/Marvel