“In the beginning, there was darkness. And in that darkness were elves (Yup, get on board.) with space ships and laser guns and grenades that fucking turned you into a black hole, and they were like, ‘Shit is better when it’s dark.’ But my dad was all like, ‘Dude, I don’t put on this sweet ram’s horn helmet so people can not see it in the dark, fuck your shit.’ And then he won by beaming the bad guy’s power source away Star Trek-style. A tactic that was remarkably effective, so naturally this is the last you’ll ever hear or see of it again. From there, he trusted one of his bros to hide the evil red cloud.. stuff where no one would find it except he forgot one important fact: Vikings can’t hide shit. Boom, we’ve got ourselves a movie.” – Odin
[SPOILERS, obviously. Although, you can predict every event in this movie in your Odin-sleep. Count it!]
Cut to an indiscriminate planet that looks a whole lot like Europe. Marvel’s Wonder Woman chick is fighting medieval-ish warriors in a world that we’ve already established had goddamn Star Wars shit 5,000 years earlier. Also with her is Asian guy, fat dude and freakishly blonde NBC’s Chuck who apparently fences his enemies. I have no clue. Cue grand Thor entrance, witty banter, witty banter, and wee, the good guys win. And if that seems anticlimactic it’s because Thor has zero fucks to give and seems entirely checked out of the movie, so he takes it out on Asian guy by saying, “Ha, I bet you thought you were going to be in this thing. Psyche!”
Except it turns out Thor is bored with Space Viking God life and wants to pursue other interests like thundering his penis into Natalie Portman‘s Earth vagina which was totally his the second he dropped all the Rainbow Bridge bomb on her back in the first movie. Thor’s dad can tell what’s up because he remembers the days when all he wanted to do was pour space brandy all over Rene Russo’s naked body then tell Pierce Brosnan to feel free to use that shit. But he also knows Lady Sif is crazy hot, so he’s like, “Look, Thor, Natalie Portman, I get it. But what if you banged Space Wonder Woman right over there who can probably hear us? You don’t even have to transcend realms to get up in that. All you gotta do is walk. Or, shit, I’ll make her walk over here, I’m Space God.. or something, dammit!”
But Thor isn’t having any of that even when Jaimie Alexander (Just call my hammer, SEOjnir.) is basically asking him to plunder her space port. So he goes off to sulk with Stringer Bell, God of Voyeurism, who explains everything that’s going to create a bunch of CGI shit during the final battle that will involve the fate of the entire fucking universe from Earth all the way to to the other Swedish space name places.
Back on Earth, Natalie Portman is trying to date again, but finds it hard after the last guy she liked had abs you could ride for weeks and is also a deity.. or something. Fortunately, Kat Dennings shows up to remind everyone she’ll just be the comic relief because her breasts are under wraps and will remain so the entire movie in defiance of God (Not the Anthony Hopkins one.) and nature.
Anyway, they find some weird science shit happening that conveniently drops Natalie Portman right into the spot where Thor’s grandfather’s guys hid the red magic goo from the beginning which then infects her because it does that now. More importantly, I learn that anytime I see Kat Dennings and her intern on the screen, it’s a good time to take a leak.
So Thor shows up because Stringer Bell can’t creep on Natalie Portman all of sudden and this is serious business. Stringer Bell needs his creeping. They reunite, but not before the cops try to arrest Natalie for the weird science shit, but the red evil goo’s all, “Fuck tha police!” and sends their asses flying which naturally makes Thor thinks it’d be a great idea to bring her back to Asgard where everyone and everything he holds dear is. In his defense, they hadn’t seen each other in two years and hammer playas gotta hammer.
Blah blah blah, romance, looks of longings – KISSING!!! – oh no, this is a terrible disease she has that will kill her ass dead, but wait, is that Thor’s mom she’s meeting on the first date? Uh oh!
Meanwhile, King Space Elf awakes in his ship. His goo is calling to him from inside Natalie Portman! (“Been there,” says Benjamin Millipied.) He must travel to Viking space Heaven.. place, but first, let’s sacrifice the only black dude on his crew and turn him into a space elf monster thing. Because, remember, the space elves predate the Civil Rights Act by at least 50 centuries. They don’t know any better.
Cut to black guy space monster being carted off to Heaven jail where I forgot to mention Loki is because The Avengers, available now on Blu-Ray and iTunes. Space monster starts a riot, and finally after thirty goddamn minutes of whatever’s happening in this movie, shit starts to get kind of good in comparison to everything else. The elves attack Asgard Heaven.. land, but not before Stringer Bell straight stabs one of their ships out of the sky with a fucking dagger because nobody gets by String without him creeping them. NOBODY.
There’s fighting, explosions, CGI fatashamashery, and then shit gets real when the three-year-old in the front row of the theater dressed as Thor (True fact.) learns that moms die. Yup, that’s right, Space Elf murdered Thor’s space mom. Who was fucking badass at fighting until the part where she got killed protecting the chick her son wants to bang dooming everyone in the process. Haha! Moms.
From here, the shit is on. Thor wants vengeance, not to mention is still really interested in Natalie Portman living so he can bang her, but these elves do not fuck around and will probably come back and blow up Viking Heaven World to harvest Natalie’s goo. Plus Thor’s dad’s pretty jacked, too, and wants that last part to happen because only Odin kills people in Odin’s house. Oh, yeah, and his wife dying, too. He was going to say that next, honest.
Anyway, our heroes need a plan, so Thor gathers all his friends together for a last-ditch effort in defiance of Odin’s plan everyone dying fighting elves with guns and drops some ominous words. “If we succeed, it’s exile. If we fail, it’s death.” Except everyone’s pretty much on board because, haha, exile. What a fucking drama queen.
And now for the part of the movie everyone paid a ticket to see: THOR JOINING FORCES WITH LOKI. The good brother reaching out to the evil brother and bonding over the death of their mother. But, first, jokes about betrayal and death! Witty witty banter, witty witty banter time, a where you at, a where you at, a where you go, a where you go. /familyguy
So Thor and Loki travel to the Dark World – Hey, like the title! – where Space Elf King gets the evil goo out of Natalie Portman (No creampie.) while black guy space monster “kills” Loki, except no one fucking believes it as they shouldn’t, and then the entire movie devolves into a CGI shit show where the characters literally go:
“Hey, what does this stuff do?”
“I dunno. Stuff.”
Because why explain anything when there’s a Viking Space Jesus hitting a space elf with a magic hammer while the entire solar system poops itself? The audience is just going to enjoy the ride and not at all sit there thinking, “Goddammit, they need to stop making these things.” IT’S A CGI SPECTACULAR WITH HIGH STAKES PERIL! What’s not to love for the 8,000th time?
Fart, fart, punch, boom. Surprise, Loki’s still alive.
Except… MARVEL KICKER! And it’s Guardians of the Galaxy, bitch! What’s that? You have no idea what that is? Then by all means let Benicio del Toro in a weird, horribly acted and directed scene make you want to know even less. Excelsior!