By Odin’s Beard, These Things Need To Stop: A Review of ‘Thor: The Dark World’

November 8th, 2013 // 46 Comments
Thor The Dark World

“In the beginning, there was darkness. And in that darkness were elves (Yup, get on board.) with space ships and laser guns and grenades that fucking turned you into a black hole, and they were like, ‘Shit is better when it’s dark.’ But my dad was all like, ‘Dude, I don’t put on this sweet ram’s horn helmet so people can not see it in the dark, fuck your shit.’ And then he won by beaming the bad guy’s power source away Star Trek-style. A tactic that was remarkably effective, so naturally this is the last you’ll ever hear or see of it again. From there, he trusted one of his bros to hide the evil red cloud.. stuff where no one would find it except he forgot one important fact: Vikings can’t hide shit. Boom, we’ve got ourselves a movie.” – Odin

[SPOILERS, obviously. Although, you can predict every event in this movie in your Odin-sleep. Count it!]

Cut to an indiscriminate planet that looks a whole lot like Europe. Marvel’s Wonder Woman chick is fighting medieval-ish warriors in a world that we’ve already established had goddamn Star Wars shit 5,000 years earlier. Also with her is Asian guy, fat dude and freakishly blonde NBC’s Chuck who apparently fences his enemies. I have no clue. Cue grand Thor entrance, witty banter, witty banter, and wee, the good guys win. And if that seems anticlimactic it’s because Thor has zero fucks to give and seems entirely checked out of the movie, so he takes it out on Asian guy by saying, “Ha, I bet you thought you were going to be in this thing. Psyche!”

Except it turns out Thor is bored with Space Viking God life and wants to pursue other interests like thundering his penis into Natalie Portman‘s Earth vagina which was totally his the second he dropped all the Rainbow Bridge bomb on her back in the first movie. Thor’s dad can tell what’s up because he remembers the days when all he wanted to do was pour space brandy all over Rene Russo’s naked body then tell Pierce Brosnan to feel free to use that shit. But he also knows Lady Sif is crazy hot, so he’s like, “Look, Thor, Natalie Portman, I get it. But what if you banged Space Wonder Woman right over there who can probably hear us? You don’t even have to transcend realms to get up in that. All you gotta do is walk. Or, shit, I’ll make her walk over here, I’m Space God.. or something, dammit!”

But Thor isn’t having any of that even when Jaimie Alexander (Just call my hammer, SEOjnir.) is basically asking him to plunder her space port. So he goes off to sulk with Stringer Bell, God of Voyeurism, who explains everything that’s going to create a bunch of CGI shit during the final battle that will involve the fate of the entire fucking universe from Earth all the way to to the other Swedish space name places.

Back on Earth, Natalie Portman is trying to date again, but finds it hard after the last guy she liked had abs you could ride for weeks and is also a deity.. or something. Fortunately, Kat Dennings shows up to remind everyone she’ll just be the comic relief because her breasts are under wraps and will remain so the entire movie in defiance of God (Not the Anthony Hopkins one.) and nature.

Anyway, they find some weird science shit happening that conveniently drops Natalie Portman right into the spot where Thor’s grandfather’s guys hid the red magic goo from the beginning which then infects her because it does that now. More importantly, I learn that anytime I see Kat Dennings and her intern on the screen, it’s a good time to take a leak.

So Thor shows up because Stringer Bell can’t creep on Natalie Portman all of sudden and this is serious business. Stringer Bell needs his creeping. They reunite, but not before the cops try to arrest Natalie for the weird science shit, but the red evil goo’s all, “Fuck tha police!” and sends their asses flying which naturally makes Thor thinks it’d be a great idea to bring her back to Asgard where everyone and everything he holds dear is. In his defense, they hadn’t seen each other in two years and hammer playas gotta hammer.

Blah blah blah, romance, looks of longings – KISSING!!! – oh no, this is a terrible disease she has that will kill her ass dead, but wait, is that Thor’s mom she’s meeting on the first date? Uh oh!

Meanwhile, King Space Elf awakes in his ship. His goo is calling to him from inside Natalie Portman! (“Been there,” says Benjamin Millipied.) He must travel to Viking space Heaven.. place, but first, let’s sacrifice the only black dude on his crew and turn him into a space elf monster thing. Because, remember, the space elves predate the Civil Rights Act by at least 50 centuries. They don’t know any better.

Cut to black guy space monster being carted off to Heaven jail where I forgot to mention Loki is because The Avengers, available now on Blu-Ray and iTunes. Space monster starts a riot, and finally after thirty goddamn minutes of whatever’s happening in this movie, shit starts to get kind of good in comparison to everything else. The elves attack Asgard Heaven.. land, but not before Stringer Bell straight stabs one of their ships out of the sky with a fucking dagger because nobody gets by String without him creeping them. NOBODY.

There’s fighting, explosions, CGI fatashamashery, and then shit gets real when the three-year-old in the front row of the theater dressed as Thor (True fact.) learns that moms die. Yup, that’s right, Space Elf murdered Thor’s space mom. Who was fucking badass at fighting until the part where she got killed protecting the chick her son wants to bang dooming everyone in the process. Haha! Moms.

From here, the shit is on. Thor wants vengeance, not to mention is still really interested in Natalie Portman living so he can bang her, but these elves do not fuck around and will probably come back and blow up Viking Heaven World to harvest Natalie’s goo. Plus Thor’s dad’s pretty jacked, too, and wants that last part to happen because only Odin kills people in Odin’s house. Oh, yeah, and his wife dying, too. He was going to say that next, honest.

Anyway, our heroes need a plan, so Thor gathers all his friends together for a last-ditch effort in defiance of Odin’s plan everyone dying fighting elves with guns and drops some ominous words. “If we succeed, it’s exile. If we fail, it’s death.” Except everyone’s pretty much on board because, haha, exile. What a fucking drama queen.

And now for the part of the movie everyone paid a ticket to see: THOR JOINING FORCES WITH LOKI. The good brother reaching out to the evil brother and bonding over the death of their mother. But, first, jokes about betrayal and death! Witty witty banter, witty witty banter time, a where you at, a where you at, a where you go, a where you go. /familyguy

So Thor and Loki travel to the Dark World – Hey, like the title! – where Space Elf King gets the evil goo out of Natalie Portman (No creampie.) while black guy space monster “kills” Loki, except no one fucking believes it as they shouldn’t, and then the entire movie devolves into a CGI shit show where the characters literally go:

“Hey, what does this stuff do?”
“I dunno. Stuff.”

Because why explain anything when there’s a Viking Space Jesus hitting a space elf with a magic hammer while the entire solar system poops itself? The audience is just going to enjoy the ride and not at all sit there thinking, “Goddammit, they need to stop making these things.” IT’S A CGI SPECTACULAR WITH HIGH STAKES PERIL! What’s not to love for the 8,000th time?

Fart, fart, punch, boom. Surprise, Loki’s still alive.

The End.

Except… MARVEL KICKER! And it’s Guardians of the Galaxy, bitch! What’s that? You have no idea what that is? Then by all means let Benicio del Toro in a weird, horribly acted and directed scene make you want to know even less. Excelsior!

superficial

  1. Cock Dr

    Would need to be totally stoned and given a free ticket to see this crazy mess.
    Did the blogger like it? That part isn’t even clear. Blogger certainly showed a great deal of enthusiasm typing the review, but sometimes dogging a movie is a lot more fun than singing its praises.

  2. In other words typical comic book movie, complete with all requisite cliches.

  3. Jenn

    So..wait for the DVD.

  4. I did not understand a word in your review. Mainly because the only time I ever learned anything about Thor was from Vincent d’Onofrio. Look it up.

  5. EnglishTeacherAnni

    I’d like to ask a few questions on behalf on your female readership that weren’t covered in your review.

    1. How many minutes, exactly, is Tom H. (Loki) featured on-screen?

    2. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being “scorching”, how adorable and hot does he look? From my point of view, of course.

    3. Are we lucky enough to get a shirtless shot? Perhaps the prison he is locked in doesn’t allow shirts? Please?

    I don’t really care what the hell he is doing or if it is relevant to the plot. He can be slicing cheese or polishing his shoes and as long as he has decent screen time my credit card is already in the hands of the kid at the ticket booth.

    • D-chi

      Unfortunately, no shirtless Loki. He is kind of adorbs, but imho he was hotter in The Avengers. There is a gratuitous shot of shirtless Thor, though, so that’s pretty great.

    • There are scenes with him strewn throughout the first half, and his team-up with Thor in the second is when the movie really comes alive. Hemsworth was much better than usual in this movie, out-acting Sir Anthony Hopkins (who pretty much sleep-walked his way through it. Also – no abs shot), but Hiddleston totally walked off with the movie.

    • What yatz and D-Chi said, he’s barely in it until halfway through and then steals the whole fucking movie. Which is why he is yanked out with 30 minutes to spare so people will hopefully give a shit about Thor, but all they’ll think about was how great it was when Loki was there.

  6. I just got back form seeing the movie and it was fucking awesome. My only complaint is that Kat Denning’s cleavage is under wraps like Area 51 throughout the entire movie.

    Thor was badass all movie, Jane was useful, Darcy and the rest of the crew were funny, Loki delivered as always, and the queen was a badass witch. What’s not to love? Marvel delivers another great movie to add to my collection.

    • Dox

      Ok. That does it. You like everything. Seriously. Its not natural.

      • Seriously. He’s not crusty, jaded and/or miserable… I don’t get it. It is kinda refreshing, though.

      • Dox

        Ah, don’t get me wrong. I like Don. His comments always make me smile, if for no other reason than he’s up beat about everything. But if I don’t yank his chain (don’t run with that visual…) every now and again, I wouldn’t be me.

        And god knows we couldn’t have that.
        I might have to move out of the basement, get a job, see the sun, meet some chick… have real sex… I mean with a real person and everything….

      • Thanks Dox. I enjoy some light-hearted ribbing too. What is this “real sex” you speak of?

    • In Thor 3: Return of the Goo, Kat Dennings bares her cleavage (not full topless, just cleavage) in front of Loki in order to convince him to abandon Evil and join the forces of Good. It works. It’s the, ah, climax of the movie.

  7. richie

    Great. A movie review from a T & A site.

  8. Got back an hour ago from seeing it. I had a blast. It was fun, lighthearted, and moved along at a good clip. I went in to see a giant space man-god hit things with an indestructible hammer, and it delivered that. The movie didn’t take itself seriously and didn’t try to pretend it was anything else other than good fun.

  9. Oh yeah? Well, I just watched The Croods with my family for about the seventh time, so red goo in Natalie Portman and Swedish space place names is pretty appealing right about now. Really, anything that doesn’t look or sound like Nic Cage would be a goddamn blessing.

    Very amusing review to read, though. Thanks for the chuckles.

  10. I agree.
    Every asshole who sees a movie and thinks they need to write a review, because people need to read what they thought of a movie, needs to stop.
    Please, start a trend.

  11. I wanted to like it, but it was kind of boring, lackluster. The first one was much better. No one seemed to be really into their parts. I wish I had gone to see Bad Grandpa instead. The villain was kind of weak and they should have made the movie longer so they could have developed a better plot. There was a lot more action in the first movie also. Loki was a great villain, this one, not so much.

    WTF is covering up Kat Dennigs like she is in subzero temperatures in Alaska, Jesus Christ, are they really trying that concerned that she will overshadow Natalie Portman?

    Also, from the trailers I see they are trying to make Colbie Smulders into the new Jennifer Aniston.

    The Jamie Alexander character is a million times hotter than Portman, is a fighter like Thor and will live for thousands of years like him, in reality, Portman would be nothing more than a fling and she would actually be queen.

  12. Inner Retard

    Great review, Fish. Something tells me I had more fun reading it than I would have watching the movie. Also, I agree the CGI crapfest disaster porn/absurd epic battle shit needs to stop too.

  13. Johnny Barbells

    …best review yet.
    …except …for all intents & purposes, this sounds basically the same as the first one …and yet, you LIKED that one? (i said it before, and i’ll say it again; this is not the thor i know and love)

    • To clarify I liked the first one only in that it was short and light-hearted even if it was a faint whisper of the comics. At the time, I also thought it was more fun than The Avengers which has since changed with repeating viewings with its target audience.

      This one tried to do some shit just for the sake of doing shit and it was just more CGI shit.

  14. Why is my comment pending?

  15. Allion

    “And now for the part of the movie everyone paid a ticket to see: THOR JOINING FORCES WITH LOKI.” – true.

  16. I have known the warm embrace of a woman and as such have come to the understanding that if you didn’t like it then I will love it. So I’m watching this again because Loki as Captain MURIKA is worth admission costs.

    Also you totally forgot the part where space dog monster chases pigeons in London after the credits

  17. at the end of the day, what I really want to know is: theater or DVD? superhero movies always do better on the big screen, but if the sucking is too painful then I’ll walk out.

  18. mfbinc

    This was a very entertaining movie to watch…i’ve always been a huge Thor fan so i wanted to show up, eat popcorn and watch thor use his powers to fight things that would give him a good fight back. This movie showed all that. for those that were expecting something other than what the comic book delivers ….kindly take your over inflated sense of self, fold it up and promptly shove it up your ass knowing that you could never ,ever make a better thor movie that what you just saw…..

  19. cj

    I like it.. cool ending with the portals opening and closing around them. Admitedlly, it was a little slow in the middle and could have used a bit more fun like the first one (i think it just weighed because of all the darkness and dark locations and medieval looking stuff). Loki is in danger of getting overused, which is a shame because he is so great. The guardians of the galaxy tease was awful. Benecio Del Terro was terrible to watch. What the hell was that. Everyone walked out confused and with a bad taste in their mouth. I couldn’t get my friends to stay for the second tease after that weirdness.

  20. cj

    oh yeah, what was up with the bird on Anthong Hopkins’ shoulder in the poster above. It was in the movie for like one second.

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