This is Johnny Depp’s Girlfriend?

February 3rd, 2011 // 125 Comments

Despite covering celebrities for years on here, I never once looked at Johnny Depp‘s long-time girlfriend Vanessa Paradis because I just assumed she was some sort of crazy hot model. And then I saw these. At this time I’d like to apologize to you, the reader, for not making enough jokes about Johnny Depp being the world’s largest heroin addict because clearly that’s the case. I almost feel like I should resign, but then I remembered this is the Internet where such concepts as shame and integrity have no place or meaning. On that note, Jennifer Aniston is up next. Stick around. *spins penis like a propeller*

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. chuck

    first.. thats lindsey lohan…………..

  2. Ally

    Um yeah – that chick looks weird. She seems to be pretty smug that she bagged Johnny Depp.

  3. Rough City, U.S.A.

    The more reason to buy JD a round of beer. My concern is why is Bill Murray s her tour guide.

  4. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    Ella
    Commented on this photo:

    I think she’s actually a prop from his next mummy movie

  5. phil

    kill it with fire =/

  6. Lisa

    Okay, dude… it’s not possible that you’re just now seeing Vanessa Paradis for the first time.

    • Bringbackbabalu

      I have never seen her or heard of her before! Give the guy a break though, if he has a happy marriage good for him. Better than being with any of these superficial Jeniffer Aniston or Angelina Jolie types.

      • McFeeky Smackup

        Oh sure – because banging Aniston and Jolie would be like worse than banging this fugly-assed snaggle-toothed broad. And I use the term broad loosely. Hell, snaggled-toothed as well.

      • MourningTheDeathOfMusic

        They’ve never married. Just been in a solid relationship for over 12 years.

  7. V

    and these aren’t even her worst pictures. her entire mouth area is so disgusting. she wasn’t a bad looking chick during her days, especially when she met johnny, she was actually kinda hot, but she’s been looking all sorts of awful after she gave birth to their spawn. the main issue has always been her mouth.

    I just can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t go to the dentist. I think Golden Voice Ted Williams has a nicer grill.

    • testington

      Seriously, the whole gap tooth being fashionable thing is sooooo annoying it isn’t sexy at all. You’re rich, pay to have your damn teeth fixed.

      On the VERY FEW women where it does look good, it only looks good while they are young it just looks worse and worse with age. Like Madonna and Lauren Hutton, that looked cute on them in the 70′s and early 80′s but after 30 you need to get that shit fixed.

  8. jojo

    If you go through the pics fast enough you can see her tongue flicker out.

  9. Honestly I thought that was Kate Moss when I first saw the pic.

  10. Tonyboy

    Why is Madonna on the picture with Depp’s girlfriend???

  11. Amy

    Well she WAS a crazy hot model.

  12. testington

    she actually is pretty, that’s just a bad pic…sure he could do better but they’ve been together a long time. I’m sure she was much hotter 10 years and 3 kids ago.

    • babooda

      So was he…So was he! At least that is what my wife said. Personally, I think that Capt Jack Sparrow is the closest to the real J.Depp as you are going to get!

  13. Amy

    Watch her in 1999′s The Girl on the Bridge (La Fille sur le Pont) and try not to fall in love.

  14. Snooki's Taint

    Relax. Vanessa used to be crazy hot, now she is the mother of his children.

    http://www.portwallpaper.com/imgcel/Vanessa_Paradis/Vanessa-Paradis-2.JPG

    • McFeeky Smackup

      Bullshit – Paradis has all the appeal of a young Christina Ricci minus the charming bulbous forehead but added wannabe heroine junky.

  15. I know Depp is an Anglophile, but dating nanny McPhee seems a bit overboard.

  16. Cock Dr

    If I recall his interview correctly Mr Depp saw this fine French singer garbed in a low backed dress & fell in love with her spine.
    That must be some spine.

    • Andriiya

      Odd, I read an interview with some actress (I forget who, I don’t think she’s well known at all) that had back surgery resulting in a large scar running down her back. Depp saw her at the beach and stopped to comment on it. This is starting to explain why he likes ‘em so thin…. gotta see that spine sticking out.

  17. Mortimer Duke

    Oh Shit! Susan Boyle finally had that gastric bypass.

  18. Twanner

    Johnny Depp is Shacking up with Nanny McPhee?

  19. Meh

    Her lips look awful chap in these pictures and her front teeth have always looked strange. She’s set though, got herself a money making machine for life.

  20. Colin

    Everybody ages dip-shit. Plus this is a bad picture.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lwthVtaocc

  21. Based on previous hilarious comments, I now dub thee ‘Nanny McSpineFucker’. Carry on.

  22. Zob

    But more importantly why is she stepping out with Bill Murray!

  23. babooda

    Is that Robin Williams’ twin she is with?

    • babooda

      After careful inspection I have determined it is Bill Murray, portraying Robin Williams on a date with the aforementioned Nanny McPhee. Or some dumb French guy who mistook her for a real nanny. You decide!

  24. Lady Blah Blah

    Which one?

  25. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    allieb
    Commented on this photo:

    Geez, Beetlejuice looks hotter than her.

  26. Why are we looking at Bill Murray and Sigourney Weaver? And why are they dressed like detectives?

  27. Xtina

    Like most women, she is much more attractive when she keeps her mouth shut.

  28. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    Commented on this photo:

    Johnny Depp is nailing Evi Quaid? And Randy is just going to stand there and take it??

  29. Deacon Jones

    “E.T. phone Depp.”

  30. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    chris breezy boxing academy
    Commented on this photo:

    Bill, Bill, what did you think of the script for Ghostbusters 3?

  31. mikehunt

    And that was when I found out that Johnny Depp is an ass man.

  32. Selma

    For cryong out loud, she is a pretty woman. This is just a bad picture. And no she isn’t fake and plastic, she doesn’t live in LA or is a Real Housewife. Leave her alone, these are just cheap shots.

  33. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    Tyler Perry
    Commented on this photo:

    Willem Dafoe, is that you?

  34. Mercy… she used to look a hell of a lot better than these pictures would lead you to believe. She’s got kind of a “Quasimodo” thing going on here.

  35. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    miguelito
    Commented on this photo:

    my my.

  36. liv

    I love the assumption that because he is a big star, that he should naturally be selecting the best looking woman he can find. Not smartest, funniest, sexiest, most interesting, or best partner/mother, but best looking. No matter that he’s looking pretty threadbare himself. Also, so dismissive to call her his girlfriend, as compared with partner, mate, live-in-lover, longtime companion, whatever.
    Well, at least the author is living up to this site’s name.

    • Mortimer Duke

      Look. He shacking up with the hoe and wont marry her. Thats a GIRLFRIEND. Get over it already.

    • doodles

      Fish has been doing this for some time. It’s cause he can’t compete with Perez so he’s got to take cheap shots.

      Hey Fish, just post more of your scantily clad women. I give it less than a year before Fish starts posting porn so he can get more hits.

  37. Bun

    It’s funny because she’s a supermodel.

  38. sunshine

    Time is nobody’s friend except the plastic surgeons.

  39. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    Lys
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s a french singer and actress. She’s not some slutty 20 years old wannabe porn star. There’s nothing wrong with her.

  40. Benny

    Johnny can’t afford to take her to the dentist?

  41. gogo

    “here lady, let me help you cross the street”

  42. Pat C

    She used to be very hot – I collected a lot of photos of her. She started out as a cute 15 year old singer / actress, and then blossomed.
    Time isn’t our friend.

  43. Denise

    She was unbelievably hot and is a well respected singer and actress. And don’t be such a dick, or a tit, whoever writes this thing. True, she is looking not so great here and she smokes so her teeth aren’t pearly white (don’t mind the gap) but they have a real non-fame whoring relationship and two children they protect vigilantly. Remember, Johnny Depp will be 48 this year and Vanessa is in her late 30s. And she doesn’t do surgery. She’s out with her dad, obviously, give her a break.

  44. Danie

    The way Americans dump on her (and others) for having their own identity and being lovely while she is at it, and not all running out to buy the same nose, lips, chin, personal trainer and style is so sad.

  45. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    Jenna
    Commented on this photo:

    Johnny have my children he will hmm?

  46. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    cheryl
    Commented on this photo:

    I never thought she was a raving beauty, but at least she’s not a generic nosed fake boobed, botoxed Angelina Jolie. This woman is interesting looking, but she could get her teeth whitened, without losing any of her uniqueness.

  47. Mary

    Has you can see here, Vanessa just don’t give a damn about what you think about her, she’s powerful – just not in your superficial kind of way:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1353264/And-Jonathan-Ross-snubbed-Vanessa-Paradis-asks-photo-London-show.html

  48. welldoneson

    I would like to interview her with the sole aim of making her say as many words including the letter “S” as possible.

  49. Vanessa Paradis Johnny Depp
    blasted1
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah, she’s pretty grim. She was not one of those women who “age gracefully.” She’s always looked a lot like a bargain basement version of Kate Moss. I’ve seen mugshots of people who look like this, but they were all meth-heads.

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