The Superficial Ketchup

May 31st, 2006 // 47 Comments



  1. tits_on_snack

    Mira Sorvino… I thought that was fivehead-girl from American Beauty at first, but that’s Mena Suvari.

  2. krisdylee

    I thought about defending Benny about the migraine thing, as they hurt like a mother-fuckin’ son of a bitch, but I can plainly see he is WHIPPED.

  3. I thought Ben and Matt were married. Oh well.

    I hope Mira’s baby is fugly like her and her dear old dad Paul.

  4. blueballs

    may god bring severe migraine headaches upon the blogger that thinks they are nothing to worry about. I don’t like Ben Assfucked but I do know how devasting migraines can be.

  5. sweetcheeks

    I suppose it’s better than that time he went to the E.R. for walnut-sized hemmerhoids. Those are a bitch, too, let me tell ya.

  6. LeslieH

    Garner could probably kick Affleck’s ass.

  7. sweetcheeks

    Wow, I just GROSSLY misspelled “hemorrhoids.” #5 should read “walnut-sized LAMEBANANAS.” My bad.

  8. BarbadoSlim

    I would say something superficial about Ben, but my wife gets migraines, she hurts so bad that I’ve had to do the same. Plus he WAS da’ bomb in Phantoms yo’.

  9. @6

    Mira Sorvino’s baby could probably kick his ass.

  10. Dr.Rokter

    I’ll never forgive Ben Affleck for his Boston accent.

    And “Good Will Hunting” would have been way funnier if it had a scene where Will walks into a classroom where there’s some really complicated problem on the chalkboard, erases it, and says something like,(imagine overwrought accent) “Alright. If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s no one there to hear it, how come I still fuck your sister every night? Huh? Put *that* in your fuckin’ math book, chippy.”

  11. sweetcheeks

    “There’s a spider near my car keys!”

  12. Manchelle Rodgriguez must be very disappointed about her long awaited prison stay. what has a scary butch bitch gotta do to get some jail instigated, girl on girl, rough lesbos sex??
    And maybe now you guys will stop being so harsh about the British Judicial System (in regards to Pete Doherty) and look at the shitty state the USA’s is in!

  13. Jacq

    Chris Backus (or whatever his name is) pulled a Kevin Federline, only he did it the white way. Keep your mouth shut, lay low, only fuck your wife and she’ll stuff your pockets with dollars. The only downside is that he has to screw Mira.

    If I ever see Michelle Rodriguez in real life, I’m going to kick her in the cunt. The only part that I’m stil working on is how to kick someone and simuntaneously have a running start. Bitch is hard-core and if she catches me, call the cops and an ambulance. I’ll need both.

    Did Brad eat the placenta? No, there wasn’t even talk of it cause he’s not crazy. TCLTC Tom needs to figure out that the general public thinks that he’s nutso enough to generate the story and people believed it. Becuase he’s a lunatic.

    Wait, I thought Ben married Liv Tyler after he promised her dad, Bruce Willis, that he’d take care of her. Remember? Right before he blew up on that meteor? I don’t care how hot he is or that he’s a world-saving astronaut, I would have said no to his proposal. That ring was effen tiny and the animal crackers thing? I like to molest REAL animals, thank you.

  14. sweetcheeks

    I’m fairly certain Michelle Rodriguez works at the Jack-in-the-Box on 5th and Atlantic.

  15. large_sized_teen

    Michelle Rodriguez’ crazy ass got off a LUCKY duck this time… hey, in that photo she is wearing a weird unitard contraption, similar to the one Katie Holmes wore to show the belly.

  16. xavierh

    Maybe after Mira “Paul Sorvino in a Fright Wig” Sorvino named her first kid Mattea Angel, she figured she’d used up her quota of stupid celebrity kid names.

  17. Italian Stallion

    Michelle Rodriguez has a penis……….

  18. Fisher55

    i heard there was a dyke prison warden and all Michelle had to do was carpetmunch her way out of there

  19. Pearly

    Thinking about the big scar and the resulting baby-skin pooch Angelina is going to have from that surgery (cause I doubt she had a “cosmetic closure/tummy tuck” at some hospital in Nambibia) makes me strangely warm and fuzzy inside.

  20. Jacq

    #19 – That does make me wonder. Did they sew her up with a short length of hemp rope and put a leaf on the incision before sending her on her way?
    I’m going to save up a few thou and go live like a queen in Africa for a year.

    I don’t know about anyone else, but when I need cosmetic surgery, I head straight to Mexico.

    I’m surprised that Michelle isn’t begging to go back to jail. That’s where they keep all of the big bull-dyke, rough-as-you-like-it lesbian sex. Everybody knows that.

  21. blueballs

    Btw, everyone knows that Ben and Matt didn’t write Good Will Hunting. They had have had the idea but it was ghost written by William Goldman. See, people who write continue to write. Has Matt or Ben come out with anything else…NO? NADA. ZILCH. It’s just more hollywood scamming by immature egocentric fucks that Hollywood is ful off.

  22. Pearly

    #20 when I was travelling in Indonesia some years ago I had a book of emergency medical procedures for if you’re hurt in the middle of nowhere..they advised packing any wound or stiched incision with mud. I hope she is packed with mud, And leaves. And worms…

  23. Dr.Rokter

    #21 You’re probably correct, though I feel the pedantic need to point out that they did co-write “Gerry” in 2002. Damon did write an original screenplay for “Good Will Hunting” while attending Harvard. Doubtlessly, however, this was helped along enormously by professional screenwriters.

  24. 86

    No one has addressed the real issue here. WHY does Jennifer Garner look like Laura Ingalls?

  25. Populist

    Jolie’s days as a sex symbol were fading even before the c-section. Big nasty tattoos were one reason–being crazy was no help either. And now that she has a his baby, how many months before she divorces Pitt? (probably not many)

  26. Ari

    OH, my turn to be pedantic…

    #25, they aren’t married.

  27. Iambananas

    Ben: Sometimes migranes can be excurciating… I don’t blame him. If you have never had a bad migrane.. then don’t even talk.

    Michelle: Who is she, again? Oh, yeah, someone I don’t care about.

    Angelina: Wonder what those streached out tattoos on her belly look like NOW!??! Not so sexy, eh?

    Mira: FINALLY A NORMAL BABY NAME!! She isn’t a weirdo that is out to ruin he babies life! She actually cares!

  28. Iambananas


  29. ellaminnowpea

    My question is: what does her tummy tatoo say NOW that it’s been stretched out and sewed back up….what was it?

    That which feeds me also destroys me….

    hmmmmm….bod is now destroyed!

  30. ellaminnowpea

    now I’M repulsed…….going back to work!
    why do I ALWAYS get the libturds? FU’DAT!

  31. Ari

    I had to take my ex to the emergency room for what turned out to be the back spasm from hell. They doped him up with all kinds of drugs and he wound up with a twelve hour hole in his memory.

    You know I fucked with him, yes I did. Because while he was lying in a bed, sleeping, with mass quantities of morphine running through his system, I was sitting on the floor in that room… for 8 hours… in the middle of the night.

  32. Fa Cube Itches


    Breech baby, breech baby
    Give me a hand
    Give me something that I can hold on to!

  33. Jacq

    #31 – That’s when you ought to shake the shit out of the bed and scream “Ooga-booga!” or something crazy. Then, tell the nurses he just started freaking out all of a sudden. It must be his back.

    I know it’s quiet on this thread, but can someone help me? Is it turd or terd? I know that either way it’s poo, but I need to add it to my grocery list and I want to make sure it’s spelled right. There’s always a spelling debate whenever I write it – which is often. I need some profesisonal opinions.

  34. Fa Cube Itches

    33: “Turd” is the preferred spelling. I checked with one of the kids at the National Spelling Bee.

    Interesting footnote if you text a kid at a spelling bee and inquire about fecal spellings, though. Pursuant to Megan’s Law, I am now required to tell you….

  35. Drusilla

    I know we’re supposed to be nothing but superficial, but I had to register just to say that until you’ve had a migraine you can’t imagine how different they are from a normal headache.

  36. sashiwashi

    yeah stfu. migraines are a bitch. i had to go the er a few weeks ago for one. felt like my head was going to explode, the left side of my body went numb, i was throwing up, and my vision was all screwy and i couldn’t focus on any objects. i wanted someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery like i was a sick dog ;D

  37. Jacq

    #34 – Works for me. If anyone makes fun of me again, I’ll blame it on the stupid kids. The smart stupid kids. Do you understand now, after reading what I just wrote, why I was never one of them? Bastards.
    That reminds me, I wish I was still young enough to be illegal. Ahhh, the good old days…

  38. endometriorama

    i’m crying for angelina’s tattoos. they were one of the few things i liked about her.

  39. DrDanny

    Ms. Jolie will be sexy as long as her lips resemble a vagina. Sort of.

    Hey, woundn’t “Johnny Sorvino’s” be a good name for an Italian restaurant?

  40. bluecanary

    That scar will be so tiny and so low only Brad Pitt will see it.

    She had a doctor from LA fly in for the delivery. So much for her confidence in the Namibia medical establishment.

  41. what up, ya'll

    I’m no fan of Affleck, but lay off on the migraine taunts. It’s a type of headache that’s so horrible, you think you’re having a stroke or something. There’s nothing wrong with going to the hospital when your brain feels like it’s exploding, you can’t see anything, you’re throwing up and your entire arm goes numb. It’s scary shit – no wonder he went to the hospital!

  42. bunnyhugger

    @32, classic, baby, classic.

    don’t even talk to me about migrains. (SP?) suffered for many years. massive drugs, hosp. trips. funny thing is, for some weird reason no one could explain, once they put me on anti-anxiety (bu-spar), they eventually stopped. so now, maybe i get one 3 times a year, it beats holy shit out of every other week.

    did i make sense? i love mai tais!

    always 100% peta free!!

  43. energythief

    You guys, migrains is a serious problem and he could very well die of this. He really needs serious help. No one can even imagine what he is going through. He mnight put on a happy face, but inside he is torn up. This is, assuming he has it, which is obvious.

    He should look at Howie Mandel, that latex-glove-inflating-via-his-nose-and-gave-himself-an-aneurysm asshat from “Deal or No Deal”,and countless other asshats who have overcome migrains and see how wonderful their lives are.

  44. G

    I get migraines on a regular basis and they are terrible and debilitating and everything, but the emergency room? Come on… that’s entirely unneccessary and pathetic… all one needs is some pain killers, an ice pack and some sleep. He’s such a baby.

  45. Ben afflek is not smarter than a Chinese carp

  46. URalllosers


    Your web site is great, but now I have to erase my history so my wife doesn’t think I’m a perv.

  47. pumpkinsherbet

    i’ve been to the er a couple times for migraines myself. it isn’t a like a headache where you can just rub your head, take a pill and it’s all over. they’re excruciating and a full blown migraine is debilitating. they’ve been known to last weeks and they are incredibly dangerous – a migraine sufferer is three times more likely to suffer stroke.

    so until you’ve had one you shouldn’t talk.

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