The Jonas Brothers should stick to virginity and other news

- Hayden Panettiere wants to sit at the big kids table. [Lainey Gossip]

- Sarah Palin gets owned by a retarded person. [PopEater]

- Tiger Woods Should Be Allowed to Fuck Everything: A Valid Defense. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Hilary Duff is engaged. (Relevancy not implied.) [Just Jared]

- Brangelina slipped one under our noses. [Dlisted]

- Britney Spears dropped $100,000 on a new bathroom which means she’s still popping laxatives, isn’t she? Goddammit. [Celebslam]

- Sean Penn should work for Tiger Woods’ daughter. [Huffington Post]

- Kate Moss is weeping over pieces of fabric. I don’t care how you spin it. [TheFABlife]

- Olivia Wilde in Elle. [The Blemish]

- Ludacris made a song with Justin Bieber? Game over, civilization. [Bossip]

- Scarlett Johansson or that secretary thing from Monster’s Inc.? [PopSugar]

- Michelle Rodriguez won’t be attending the Oscars. Unless Versace designs a purse for today’s gallon of whiskey-drinking woman. [Socialite Life]

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