The Jonas Brothers are virgins

September 8th, 2008 // 98 Comments

If it wasn’t bad enough that MTV rigged the VMAs to salvage Britney Spears’ careers, the network also watered down the show by including sugary sweet performances from Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. The latter are sons of a preacher and apparently wear purity rings as a symbol of their virginity. This, of course, caught the attention of host comedian Russell Brand. Who? You got me. The AP reports:

Brand clearly angered some in attendance when he repeatedly joked about the Jonas Brothers, the sons of a pastor, all of whom wear purity rings as a symbol of their vow not to have premarital sex. At one point, Brand brandished one as if he had won it from a Jonas brother.
“American Idol” champ Jordin Sparks defended them: “I just wanna say, it’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not every guy and a girl wants to be a slut, OK?”
Brand responded by apologizing, before slyly offending again by alluding to R. Kelly in an unprintable joke (like many of his).
Perhaps summing up his perspective, he explained, “A bit of sex occasionally never hurt anybody.”

“A bit of sex occasionally never hurt anybody.” Oh, I see what’s going on here. Russell Brand is actually Jesus. Ha! Good one.

superficial

  1. Dave

    fist get it first hahaha

  2. metrosexual

    How dare those sons of a bible thumper not go around producing illegitimate children and catching STD’s like Paris Hilton?

  3. rough daddy

    good, who needs those 3 running around getting girls pregnant,,,

  4. mimi

    Fish is a degenerate A-Hole!

  5. BadCopNoDonut

    Damn where are the catastrophic structural failures when you need them?

  6. George Bush

    How dare those sons of a bible thumper not go around producing illegitimate children like Bristol Palin?

  7. m.munroe

    i hate them! they are UGLY! and their music sucks. thats why i hate them. but mostly because all 3 of them are so fucking ugly!

  8. Sarah Palin

    Hey, Pres, ease up a little, ok? It’s not Bristol’s fault. She became pregnant after the hockey player she was dating had sex with her after she drank too much and passed out. We hockey moms call that one an “empty netter.”

  9. Ephae

    I love Russel Brand. I wish he’d have sex with me all night long.

  10. V

    I’m actually pretty much okay with the guys doing the whole purity ring thing.

    Usually, girls get a whole lot more of that pressure to be virginal — while, of course, at the same time, getting pressure to be sexy.

    I think it’s an interesting stand for these teenage boys to be making.

  11. Clem

    Benders.

  12. Angus

    Some day in the next couple of years a “preacher” will go to the emergency room because something’s stuck in his rectum. The doctor will extract 3 purity rings.

  13. Paul

    Russell Brand FTW! He may be an ex-junkie, but he’s got his mince pies on the game. If you’re a relative no-one in the US the only way to make an impact – which is what Monsieur Brand went for. Nice political comment at the start too.

  14. Satan

    I just love when one of my runny stool samples gets a microphone in his hand and reveals his true inner dickhead. I use MTV to indoctrinate future generations of morons into the path of STD and drug addled stupidity. It would bring a tear to my eye if they all weren’t so gullible. Welcome my children, your life of flipping burgers and mopping floors awaits you!!!

  15. steve

    I’m sure they’re boning groupies like there’s no tomorrow. But in the unlikely case that they’re telling the truth, when those purity rings come off they’re going to be having the filthy degenerate sex that preachers pay prostitutes for (example: Jimmy Swaggart, or worse, Ted Haggard).

  16. Anus Bros

    They look like the kind of guys who’d be virgins. You have to admit that.

  17. wtf

    just one question…if you are going to be in a rock band wtf is the point of going on tour if you aren’t going to fuck every teenager in site

  18. ok, i read the article and the comments and was shocked to see that no one stooped to alluding the ‘boys’ being penis virgins and not man-pussy virgins. you think at least one, if not all, of them havent dropped the soap ‘by accident’ in the gang shower?

    either that or this is the new 21st version of britbrits ‘i’m a virgin’ lol

  19. Eddie Slabaugh

    People should lay off the Jonas Brothers. Just because you may not agree with their lifestyle choices and the possibility they just might be positive role models for young kids – how are they hurting you? It’s probably just jealousy gnawing at your ass…

  20. No, it's all 3 Jonas brothers...

    …gnawing at your ass.

  21. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    Look the more celbrity dipshits that keep it in their pants or keep their legs crossed the bettr because all these loosers produce are bastards (double entendre intended). However I like Brant for trashing idiots and he seems to have foucssed on the closed minded republican douche fuck kind. Whats so fucking hilarious to me is that tards like these swear off sex and then wehen they do fuck as most inevitably sucCUM to the pressure (of their balls or clits) they never insist on a condom like what the fuck is that about? So you break your little chastity vow and you go all out , Is it because these fuckwads don’t even know what condoms are or do they get lost in the heat of the moment and not have any condoms on them because they planned to stay pure, whatever the reason it totally backfires every time.

    Anyway the best joke ever would have been if Brand asked the jonass4us (thnk latino accent when you read it) brothers to donate all three rings to Britney because maybe the triple force of their douchy virginity bands could turn her into a born again since we all fucking know she should never have sex again, lest the risk of her popping out another child she can’t care for or perhaps Paris Hilton could be given a ring, but no it would likely evaporated as soon as it made contact with her.

    Oh how I would have loved to hear him say such things. These rich greedy bible loving republican fucktard children need to be humiliated and deserve to be so don’t go feeling sorry for them and jordin Sparks shut your giant pie hole you couldn’t be a slut if you tried no one wants to have sex with a girl who looks like a mountain buffalo in a wig and makeup.

  22. Who Cares

    They’re virgins because the only girls that want to fuck them are eight years old.

  23. toolboy

    Purity rings? whatever. so you are saving yourselves, great. I guess you just haven’t found the right priest yet.
    Or camp counselor. “Hey #2 jonass, you gonna step up and get the spooning badge or cry in the corner like a little bitch?”

  24. YoungAdultMaleLogic

    The new wave of youth believe in creationism and it is only sex if a baby is made. That’s why these pretty boys only put their putters in the pooper or a mouth. Kids these days don’t think any of that is sex. Why couldn’t I be 18 now damn it.

  25. Deacon Jones

    HA! Purity Rings….which one of the closeted Republicans thought that one up???

  26. stizzef

    If they want to be virgins, fine (although i doubt it will be true for long), but remind me again why these douchebags are heart throbs? They’re hideous! And it’s so obvious that their sense of “style” was hand picked by their stylist and pushed on them. LAME.

  27. Pastor Gas

    Look, everybody twists Christianity to their own purposes theses days. Jesus was never described as a virgin. Just one example: after Mary Magdalene – the great sinner – made her penance by washing Jesus’ feet with her tears and then anointing them with oil, he took her into the kitchen and went ass to mouth on her, and she smiled (through her tears) and pretended to like it because she knew she OWED it, and much more. The lesson: be virtuous, the dirty chicks will feel guilty and ask for forgiveness, and then it’s time to cash it in. They’ll do everything and they won’t tell. You’ll feel like a god.

  28. Uncle Eccoli

    I’ll take Russell Brand’s morality over those queers’ any day.

    How is whoring out your supposed virginity any better than just whoring out in general? And don’t give me any crap about influencing young girls toward more wholesome lifestyles, either – that’s a fucking load. Whether they won’t keep their legs together or won’t ever open them, all of these dancing monkeys are just schills for some sleazy record company.

  29. havoc

    Russell Brand? That was a guy?

    I thought Amy Winehouse had grown a goatee.

    I’ll be damned…..

    .

  30. asshat

    i’m guessing that their anal buttsex with one another doesn’t count since it’s not with a girl, right?

  31. Mom of 2sons

    I think it’s a good thing for teenagers to believe in that whole no sex before marrige!! I think the Jonas brothers are good kids. Some may not like their music or their looks, but when did having moral become soo bad??

  32. Sara

    “it’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not every guy and a girl wants to be a slut, OK?”

    Jordin Sparks is now officially a fuckin’ idiot for saying that.

  33. Sexymomma

    When does being a virgin and being proud of it make you a republican?? These boys are not pushing their beliefs on anyone, they made a decision to wait what the HELL is wrong with that?? I give them credit. Man god forbid their parents actually instilled some values and morals in their children.

  34. Racer X

    Ghey!!!

  35. cdawg

    if the jonas brothers want to be virgins til they get married, then that’s their choice. but i’m going to feel bad for their “lucky” wives, because the jonas bros will be TERRIBLE at sex. if i was a chick that kept waiting around for some dude to elope with me and then we finally banged and he popped in 30 seconds, i’d get an annulment. STAT.

  36. Dread Pirate Robert

    No sex? Oh well… blowjobs for everyone!

  37. Iris

    Okay the other 2 ugly bro’s are defitinely virgins (and will remain this for a loooong time if Miley Cyrus doesn’t decide to rape one of them, that is) But the kinda hot bro (the one on the left for us, for those who are blind) is sooo banging that whatshername in golden dress Swift chick….OMG.

    Purity…my ass!

  38. Irisfromeurope

    Okay the other 2 ugly bro’s are definitely virgins (and will remain this for a loooong time if Miley Cyrus doesn’t decide to rape one of them, that is) But the kinda hot bro (the one on the left for us, for those who are blind) is sooo banging that whatshername in golden dress Swift chick….OMG.

    Purity…my ass!

  39. metrosexual

    How dare those sons of a bible thumper not go around and produce illegitimate children like ObammyDaddy and ObammyMammy?

  40. where's obammy's daddy?

    he ran out on the family like any good ghetto thug. maybe he didn’t like the jug-eared liar. obammy’s mama should have kept her slutty legs closed

  41. Karl Rove

    How dare those sons of a bible thumper not go around and produce illegitimate children like we accused McCain of in 2000?

  42. amanda

    A little sex never hurt anyone? Tell that to the guy with crabs…

  43. Boo

    Joe Jonas is the father of Bristol Palin’s baby

  44. Bubba Clinton

    How dare slutty Obammymammy spread her legs for a total stranger and produce a jug-eared bastard?

  45. liberals are cumcatchers

    how come it’s ok for you homos to show pride in tossing salad and travelling the hershey highway and it’s not ok for these boys to show pride in their lifestyle?

  46. judgemental faeries

    I thought you metrosexual faeries wanted to live and let live? Why are you suddenly so judgemental of other people?

  47. Danklin24

    Ah Jordin Sparks to the rescue. Yes because everyone that has premarital sex is a slut. Jordin you’re hot but you’re dumb as shit.

  48. fish sucks

    How about you cretins who WHORE out your gayness? Why is it considered pride when homos put on their thongs and prance in the streets during a parade but not OK when young people wear purity rings? The homos would rather look at men in thongs prancing around the streets.

  49. 1) everybody’s gotta start somewhere.
    2) all ppl on the tv go through a whoring phase. that’s why you go to work on tv.
    3) russell who now? never mind. unimportant.

  50. Getting fucked in the ass by your daddy priest doesn’t count as sex.

Leave A Comment