Here’s pretty much everything you need to know about last night’s Country Music Awards. For the record, I didn’t actually watch them because I was too busy doing something more enjoyable. (Read: Paying the neighbor kid to throw rocks at my genitals.):
Taylor Swift is hot. — I could end the post right here and still have covered everything that was remotely interesting about the CMAs. True story.
LeAnn Rimes dared show her adulterous face. You bitch! Jesus is watching!
Jennifer Love Hewitt continued her mental breakdown by appearing in public with Jamie Kennedy.
Nicole Kidman wore a backless dress, and it made Keith Urban laugh the nervous laugh of a man who just realized he’s banging a mannequin.
Kris Jenner somehow was invited. Because nothing says country like the widow of a lawyer who helped a black man beat murder charges. That should play well in the south.