The Country Music Awards

April 5th, 2009 // 52 Comments

Here’s pretty much everything you need to know about last night’s Country Music Awards. For the record, I didn’t actually watch them because I was too busy doing something more enjoyable. (Read: Paying the neighbor kid to throw rocks at my genitals.):

Taylor Swift is hot. — I could end the post right here and still have covered everything that was remotely interesting about the CMAs. True story.

LeAnn Rimes dared show her adulterous face. You bitch! Jesus is watching!

Jennifer Love Hewitt continued her mental breakdown by appearing in public with Jamie Kennedy.

Nicole Kidman wore a backless dress, and it made Keith Urban laugh the nervous laugh of a man who just realized he’s banging a mannequin.

Kris Jenner somehow was invited. Because nothing says country like the widow of a lawyer who helped a black man beat murder charges. That should play well in the south.

Photos: Getty

  1. jigglyjo

    Wow #1 good for you and your friend. Now get lost Scrappy.

  2. Anexio

    Kris Jenner??

    I thought that was a morning after Brenda Vacaro.

  3. SouthAfricanHotti

    why do i still come on this site?

  4. Lord

    Jesus Christ. Hewitt and Kennedy look old as motherfuck.

  5. Venom

    Taylor Swift is super ridiculous hot.

    John Rich is the biggest tool ever.
    These country singers cater to the dumbest redneck idiots on earth.
    This tool was playing the guitar with Made In America plastered on it and then when they interviewed him about his Detroit song he made some dumbass comment about auto execs and jets.
    All the while this ahole lives in massive mansion and drives expensive cars and would never hang out with the common man.
    These country singers all play the same game and just use the dumbass rednecks for all their money.

  6. Gar

    It is a shame
    not even 1 slip.

  7. Taylor Swift looks like a poor man’s Scarlett Johanson… I know, it sounds redundant…

  8. Rhialto

    Who are these bitches? And who’s reposnible?

  9. Darth

    I’ve something very important to say;Hola!

  10. JJ

    Taylor Swift has the smallest eyes ever…

    very mousy and odd looking

  11. You Call This Country?

    Only true hicks swallow this crap called country. Taylor Swifty I’d give my left nut to. LeAnne Rymes was good until she got her fame. Now, like all hicks, she leans her head back and sing through her nastrals. Carrie UnderWEAR I wouldn’t go across the street to hear her SCREAM (not sing). Remember, she got old Simon’s praise (and many woodies) due to her cheap-ass booty shakes on the stage on American Idolist. Carrie UnderWEAR might break her neck if she leans any further back with her pea-brain head and SCREAM nastrally. Someone give her singing lessons, not screaming lessons.
    I am sorry PUSSY GALORE Megan Joy collasped in the last 2 weeks of her fame. That “hottie” Megan sang through her lungs, not her nose, like Carrie UnderWEAR. To get Megan’s fame, she can star in a porno film with me and my tool of the trade. She would no longer be able to sing after getting permanent lock-jaw with me.

  12. HornDawg

    Taylor looks good….but she looks 30.

    Mark my words…she will age badly.


  13. havoc

    Unfortunately, the earthquake hit Rome and not the CMT’s….


  14. chinny

    Taylor Swift: having weird eyes and a wide nose makes you hot. Aren’t you lucky?

  15. debra litchfield

    these women don’t even compare to Dela Goodrum and if you dont know who she is look it up…then you will know what i mean

  16. Buzz

    This isnt Country music anymore! Just more hollywood pop!

    Not one pair of boots!

  17. titsonsnack

    Backstage at the CMA’s a dick in a box.

  18. Pamela

    Kris Jenner – Omg how many botox can a women get. She’s way to old and she’s still trying to keep up with Kim Kardashian. I think she could never do all of these crazy things when she was younger so she’s making a hooker of her daughter Kim now!!

  19. Fat Chicks Suck

    I was hoping for some pictures of Kellie Pickler’s cleavage and a Julianne Hough nipple-slip. Taylor Swift is definitely hot – what a ridiculous body. I’ll agree with some that her face does look slightly odd in these pictures…but even her face is generally hot in my opinion.

    Country is a joke but there are a lot of hot country singers. In almost every other genre the chicks have become primarily ugly.

  20. did

    Not Delta Goodrum she is lovely

  21. Wyomissing, PA

    taylor swift is an annoying lying whore whose daddy paid her way to fame. i’m 3 years older, but i went to high school with her until she left in 10th grade and moved to nashville.

    either way, she grew up in a development a half mile from a mall in a suburb of Reading. she ain’t done grown up on no x-mas tree farm.

    and she’s not even that hot. i’d rather fuck a miniature horse, like a REAL cowboy. YEEEHAWWW!!!

  22. Wyomissing, PA

    taylor swift is an annoying lying whore whose daddy paid her way to fame. i’m 3 years older, but i went to high school with her until she left in 10th grade and moved to nashville.

    either way, she grew up in a development a half mile from a mall in a suburb of Reading. she ain’t done grown up on no x-mas tree farm.

    and she’s not even that hot. i’d rather fuck a miniature horse, like a REAL cowboy. YEEEHAWWW!!!

  23. Nick

    Carrie Underwood looked 1,784 times hotter than Taylor Swift.

  24. i love bruce!

    Kris Jenner is TWICE those white girls’ age and she STILL looks better

  25. I love how country music has to have their own awards ceremony because it is too fucking awful to compete at the Grammys (which are also completely awful). In conclusion, your favorite band sucks.

  26. Way to revive a slow monday fish…

  27. testing

    Damn Nicole Kidman looks hot in that dress!

    Taylor Switft looks like a praying mantis, her sideways eyes freak me out

  28. havoc

    Photo #8….Not exactly Tammy Wynette, huh?



  29. mikeock

    Taylor Swift – I bet her pussy smells like vanilla scented sunshine.

    LeAnn Rimes? Who slammed the door in that broad’s face?

    Nicole Kidman – anybody who marries a guy who flat irons his hair has to be weird. She looks embalmed.

  30. mikeock

    Oh, I forgot – Jennifer Love Hewitt should do Playboy before her tits become enemies with gravity and that dog face of hers turns into a Botoxed nightmare.

  31. thats gross

    taylor swift’s face is fucked up. theres def soemthing wrong with it. like down syndrome. or she was dropped on her face as a child. shes pretty if you glance quickly but disturbing if you look too long.

  32. J

    Taylor Swift should not wear makeup anyways. She looks better without it. Everytime she does a award show her eyes and face look bad. There was some people article that showed her without make up and she looked STUNNING!!! A real natural beauty that does not need make up.

    JLH, is in my opinion always beautiful, but these pics make her look older than Jamie Kenndy. I think the fact the breakup with Ross and the wieght issues probably made look almost like Skelator.

  33. J

    @30 , I concur with you on that!!!

  34. I’m guessing taylor Swift is the one in red? Her eyes alarm me.
    I reckon Jennifer Love Hewitt is still looking mint. Jamie Keneddy looks like an alcoholic but he dosn’t have tits so it dosn’t matter what he looks like.

  35. Sushi

    Taylor Swift is the most beautiful / cute woman in the history of the WORLD!!!!

    She is too damn skinny but she is BEAUTIFUL!!!! I would drink her bath water!

  36. AirMail

    I propose a toast to the lucky bastard that is knocking the bottom out of Taylor Swift . Here’s to you Man, All my best.

  37. I’m an open girl. I like strong guys. Do you want to date with me? Do you want to have an amazing night? have a account on seekbi c o m– I like to share the funny­ things with you guys~~

  38. HEB

    Kris Jenner isn’t Kardashians widow. You have to be married during the death dumbass.
    And I think him defending OJ had a bit to do with their divorce.

  39. JT

    Taylor Swift looks like a fuckin alien!!!! so not hot, i don’t know what your smoking fish!!!!

  40. timmy the dying boy

    @29: “Vanilla scented sunshine?” Bwahaha! You sure do have a way with words.

    That said, OK, Taylor Swift may look good, but I’d sooner listen to Wolverine clawing at a blackboard. Her bit during the opening sequence was simply embarrassing, a complete disaster. I figure she’s the product of an evil music industry experiment: “Let’s see how far we can get a no-talent broad to go relying solely on her looks.”

  41. timmy the dying boy

    I just want to add that I don’t even like that shitty “new country.” I only happened upon it by accident, and had to dig around a little to find out who that nasty banshee is.

  42. KU fan

    Nicole Kidman looks elderly like Keith’s grandmother instead of his wife. She needs to get over herself. Doting over her biological child, but no cares for her bought kids. Sad and pathetic.

  43. .

    What? Having tiny little wonky shrew-eyes, a tiny mouth and a neck as wide as your entire head is hot now? When did this happen???

  44. your beautiful

    I can’t beleive how beautiful Nicole still is, she outshines all the younger girls!

  45. Yeah! I agree with you, Taylor is really hot! Thanks for the list of country artist, this is really an admirable work!

    if yes: MEET HER!!

  47. Cocksuckers

    That Taylor Swift broads all pasty looking and needs to eat some food. And that bitch who used to be married to that dwarf Tom Cruise has got a nice ass!

  48. Who invited mutilated fish mouth tranny Elvis (Jenner)? She could use some sheer fabrics right now for a little more mystery. Try burlap.

    I thought Underwoods dress was supposed to be a big deal.

  49. Someone who knows better

    My Dear number 15,

    It might help if you spelt her name right. For those of you who care it’s

  50. Jennie

    Taylor Swift is hella ugly. Almost as ugly as her singing.

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