The Rock Chips Off His Own Block, Creates Another Baby

Because it’s election day in Alabama and the world is watching to see exactly how blindly bigoted Americans can get, it’s probably going to be a pretty slow cycle for gossip news. Let’s be real, the headline Alabama Elects Known Bigot, Homophobe, and Pedophile to Senate is much creamier of a click than some bullshit about Britney Spears making fart sounds with her mouth or a reach of a sexual misconduct story from the set of Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.

So what’s this one about again? Oh yes, The Rock. The Rock is reproducing with his hard place, AKA Lauren Hashain. They’re having a baby girl and her kids’ kids won’t ever have to worry about money again after the next Fast and Furious movie. The other kid they had was cute so I guess this one will probably also be a top tier baby. Great genes can go a long way. Great Wrangler jeans however, can never erase the image of Brett Favre’s penis from our collective consciousness.

I like that the Johnson’s opted for a crumpled up piece of trash to announce their new baby. For a guy who makes eight figures just by putting pants on in the morning, it’s nice to see someone who doesn’t feel the need to spend exorbitant amounts of money on baby announcements like the Kardashians or that girl I went to high school with who tries and convince people she’s happy by constantly posting pictures of how much fun she’s having with their new husband, Gordon. Gordon fucking sucks, Beth. He works in a corporate park outside Tampa, wears croakies, and still listens to Dispatch. You done fucked up, girl. Embrace your sadness like the rest of us and keep it to yourself.

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