The Red Carpet At Cannes Makes The Oscars Look Like A Backyard BBQ

Cannes Film Festival kicked off yesterday and already it has out-classed pretty much everything Hollywood has ever done. Absent were any reality TV stars hustling bathroom handys and trying to bang their way into a Weinstein party, missing were the pop singers who were tapped to perform some shitty Disney song, and no “IT” comedian talking shit on a stage to everyone in attendance. Cannes is about the movies.

Cannes is so committed to the cinema, that this year’s biggest controversy is the fact that Netflix has two movies, Bong Joon-ho’s “Okja” and Noah Baumbach’s “The Meyerowitz Stories”, up for the Palme d’Or. Film purists (mostly from France) are butthurt that Netflix is getting away with the blasphemy of calling a non-theatrical release a “film” and I sort of agree with them – here’s why…

At the core of cinema is this notion that by completely dominating your senses with sight and sound, you enter this dream-like stasis where suspension of belief gains the capacity to choke-slam your emotions. To achieve that you need to be in a dark, black box with a massive projection of light being your only window to the world. The physical act of putting your ass in a theater is supposed to be escapism in itself when you enter that box – it’s a control. Movies are intended to be seen this way.

Now a bunch of assholes can stream a Richard Linklater movie on an elliptical machine or at an airport full of people and go online and say, “I don’t really get it- why was the main guy so boring? This movie was slow.” Purists know people are dumb as shit and easily distracted and this is why they hate Netflix.

From ABC News:

Pedro Almodovar, who’s presiding over this year’s competition jury, read a lengthy statement in which he said, “I personally cannot conceive of not only the Palme d’Or, but any other prize, being given to a film and then being unable to see this film on a large screen.”

“The size of the screen should not be smaller than the chair you’re sitting in. It should not be part of your everyday setting,” the Spanish filmmaker said. “You must be small and humble in front of the image that’s here.”

Will Smith, who for some reason is on the same jury as Pedro Almodovar, responded by basically saying, “Netflix is dope- you sound like an old fart- let me mention the words ‘west’ and ‘Philadelphia’ in the same sentence annnddd…”

*Crowd goes absolutely apeshit as Almodovar sits down in defeat*