The Most Important People on The Internet: Zombie Jesus Edition

April 18th, 2014 // 66 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet coming at you a day early thanks to America’s magic mascot rising from the dead two thousand years ago because that’s literally how long we’ve been beating the zombie genre into the ground. Anyway, I’ve also got two long as shit comments that broke our gallery, so special thanks to Pierce Bronzetan and cmonreally for paying careful attention to Katherine Heigl‘s Duane Reade lawsuit and pointing out the goddamn ridiculousness of Kim Kardashian‘s Audrey Hepburn photo shoot respectively. May the Holy Bunny fill your Fallopian tubes with assorted eggs, candies, and those little birds made out of marshmallows. For as it is written.

Katherine Heigl

“Jesus, Mom! Of course, I don’t have to check where we are on this map! I’m Katherine Heigl! My big break came in 1999, when I was cast in a starring role on the teen science-fiction show Roswell which ran for three seasons. The part widened my exposure in Hollywood, and I filmed a variety of smaller projects during the show’s hiatus. After Roswell was canceled in 2002, I appeared in several made-for-TV movies, including a prequel to Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion and two Lifetime movies based on the Janet Oke novels Love’s Enduring Promise and Love Comes Softly. Between roles in independent and low-budget films (including Zyzzyx Road, which was released in 2006 to poor reviews, becoming infamously known as the lowest-grossing film in history), I filmed a pilot for a TV show about medical interns at a Seattle Hospital, which was eventually titled Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s Anatomy premiered in March 2005 and immediately became a smash hit, elevating my and my co-stars’ profiles in Hollywood. I met with more success in 2006 and 2007: I was nominated for a Golden Globe, and then won an Emmy Award (best supporting actress) for my role as Dr. Isobel “Izzie” Stevens on Grey’s Anatomy. Additionally, I starred in the 2007 smash comedy hit Knocked Up alongside Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann, and finished the year by marrying fiancé Josh Kelley in Park City, Utah. Around this same time, I worked with YOU to start my own production company, Abishag Productions. I named the company after the female figure (Abishag) in the Robert Frost poem “Provide, Provide.” Even as my reputation as a diva spiraled out of control, I continued to meet with both professional and personal success. From 2008 to 2010, I headlined four romantic comedies: 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, Killers and Life as We Know It. So, yes, I think I fucking know where we are!”

Said Pierce Bronzetan on The Crap We Missed – Monday 4.14.14

Kim Kardashian Audrey Hepburn

‘Audrey Hepburn – Talented woman who helped the Dutch Resistance during WWII, and who devoted a good portion of her life to UNICEF.

Kim Kardashian – Got pissed on, had two large mixing bowls implanted into her ass cheeks, brow beat the editor of Vogue into giving her a cover, has absolutely no soul.

Sure, I can see the resemblance.’

Said cmonreally on The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 4.16.14

[See you dickheads on Monday once I've fully sated myself with creme eggs. - SW]

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

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  1. Micaela Schaefer Naked Easter Themed Photo Shoot
    Timber
    Commented on this photo:

    I remember when a beaver was a beaver and a mirkin was a mirkin. This definitely changes things.

  2. Micaela Schaefer Naked Easter Themed Photo Shoot
    Gloria
    Commented on this photo:

    So this is the new Dish Hopper

  3. Brooke Shields Crazy Face How They Did It Women In Entertainment
    balls
    Commented on this photo:

    So I grabbed Christopher Atkins by the balls and said “You can hit this, when these are the color of a blue lagoon”.

  4. Rumer Willis Crazy Jawline Cleavage
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Maybe it’s a carp. If so hide it from Beefy Boy.

  5. Robert Wagner With Wife And Daughter
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    High five 4 “wanker”. That comment really gets a person into the Good Friday spirit of things.

  6. Rumer Willis Crazy Jawline Cleavage
    sbc
    Commented on this photo:

    she is incredibly ugly.

  7. Scout Willis Sloppy Cleavage Coachella
    sbc
    Commented on this photo:

    incredibly ugly.

  8. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    corky romano
    Commented on this photo:

    Margaret Thatcher’s younger sister?

  9. Tallulah Willis Cleavage Bra See Through Skirt Coachella
    corky romano
    Commented on this photo:

    She dresses like a child whose mother is crazy. Oh, wait …

  10. Antonio Banderas Looking At Jesus Statue Easter Holy Week Malaga
    Jenn
    Commented on this photo:

    I heard Antonio’s voice when I read it. Lmfao.

  11. Dwayne The Rock Johnson Hugging Hulk Hogan Wrestlemania 30
    Commented on this photo:

    Ah!

  12. Rumer Willis Crazy Jawline Cleavage
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    looks like the nose of some kind of bovine animal.
    in her bag i mean.

  13. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    starting to look like one of those grandparents with no discernible gender. probably should have taken some style pointers from ringo and kept the facial hair and sunglasses on.

  14. Nick Cannon Short Pants Rubber Boots Skunk Stripe In Hair NBCUniversal Summer Press Day
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    evidently, dave chappelle’s son doesn’t know shit.

  15. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    MZ MIZRY
    Commented on this photo:

    hes got very small hands.

  16. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    Commented on this photo:

    Indeed.

  17. Dwayne The Rock Johnson Hugging Hulk Hogan Wrestlemania 30
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice. I saw Winter Soldier last weekend. That movie is fucking awesome. On par with The Avengers imo. Never thought a Captain America movie could be so badass.

  18. LL Cool J Camera Pointed At Dick Pharell Hat NCAA March Madness Music Festival
    Commented on this photo:

    LOL!

  19. LL Cool J Camera Pointed At Dick Pharell Hat NCAA March Madness Music Festival
    Commented on this photo:

    Laughed until my stomach hurt on this one!

  20. Brooke Shields Crazy Face How They Did It Women In Entertainment
    Commented on this photo:

    LOL.

  21. Emma Stone Putting Fake Web All Over Andrew Garfield The Amazing Spider Man 2 Press Conference Tokyo
    Steve R.
    Commented on this photo:

    Here we have Emma in the Paula Poundstone collection.

  22. Rumer Willis Crazy Jawline Cleavage
    Jack Ketch
    Commented on this photo:

    That CHIN, YEESUS :|

  23. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    Ped
    Commented on this photo:

    “This is the amount of fucks I give!”

  24. Scout Willis Sloppy Cleavage Coachella
    Jack Ketch
    Commented on this photo:

    GAH!!

  25. Heidi Klum Topless Bikini Vito Schnabel
    Jack Ketch
    Commented on this photo:

    This would be an amazing shot if she had nicer tits…

  26. LL Cool J Camera Pointed At Dick Pharell Hat NCAA March Madness Music Festival
    Commented on this photo:

    nailed it

  27. Someone_Else

    WTH Superfish,
    You clown on religion, but you take off Good Friday? Get back to work with the rest of the country you slacker.

  28. Robert Wagner With Wife And Daughter
    Gern Blanstan
    Commented on this photo:

    Best comment I’ve read in a long time. Good job, wanker.

  29. Micaela Schaefer Naked Easter Themed Photo Shoot
    banner man
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like a high end sex doll….

  30. Alexander Skarsgard Sticking Out Tongue Taking To Random Chick Coachella
    Commented on this photo:

    Don’t mind if I do

  31. Micaela Schaefer Naked Easter Themed Photo Shoot
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    How come MY Easter candy never gets delivered like this?
    Easter just got a little better…
    Thank you Fish!

  32. John Travolta Creepy Goatee
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t get this one. :(

    Could some good samaritan explain?

  33. Rumer Willis Crazy Jawline Cleavage
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    Those new implants are definitely Jaw Dropping…

  34. Vanna White Wrinkles Old Face Safe Kids Day
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice

  35. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    and that’s Sir Paul to you….

  36. Emma Stone Putting Fake Web All Over Andrew Garfield The Amazing Spider Man 2 Press Conference Tokyo
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    I just can’t get over the 3 pack a day thing…
    Does he really like kissing human ashtrays?
    I mean, her voice is already lower than his.

  37. Scout Willis Sloppy Cleavage Coachella
    Commented on this photo:

    Ha!

  38. Scout Willis Sloppy Cleavage Coachella
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    You just have to make sure you use those extra long bags,
    when you double bag her. Hey, Tits are tits…

  39. Alexander Skarsgard Sticking Out Tongue Taking To Random Chick Coachella
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    If she stands there too long, she’ll end up with twins.
    The seed is strong in this one…

  40. Heidi Klum Topless Bikini Vito Schnabel
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    We used to call them beaver tails in High School.
    She’s not worth the baggage, and she’s been
    with someone who’s peen is bigger around
    than my thigh. Probably not a good fit…

  41. Horse Whisperer Martin Tatta Humping Horse
    MarketingMike
    Commented on this photo:

    Someone needs to break it to him…
    Move back about 5 feet….

  42. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    Pizzicat
    Commented on this photo:

    Angela Merkel!

  43. Micaela Schaefer Naked Easter Themed Photo Shoot
    anonym
    Commented on this photo:

    Those tits are rock solid. literally.

  44. Paul McCartney OK Hand Symbol Clippers Game
    Commented on this photo:

    This is my Oma’s doppelganger to a T. Who is this woman?

  45. Dr Cock N Balls

    We get it fish, you don’t believe in god. Get a new shtick.

  46. For a guy who hates Christianity so much, it’s amazing how you can use their holidays as an excuse to not work! Just saying…

  47. LL Cool J Camera Pointed At Dick Pharell Hat NCAA March Madness Music Festival
    Commented on this photo:

    You win.

  48. Brooke Shields Crazy Face How They Did It Women In Entertainment
    Commented on this photo:

    Runner Up.

  49. Kate Middleton Aboriginal Dancers
    Commented on this photo:

    Third.

  50. Micaela Schaefer Naked Easter Themed Photo Shoot
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s what Easter’s all about, Charlie Brown.

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