The Most Important People on The Internet: Zombie Jesus Edition

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet coming at you a day early thanks to America’s magic mascot rising from the dead two thousand years ago because that’s literally how long we’ve been beating the zombie genre into the ground. Anyway, I’ve also got two long as shit comments that broke our gallery, so special thanks to Pierce Bronzetan and cmonreally for paying careful attention to Katherine Heigl’s Duane Reade lawsuit and pointing out the goddamn ridiculousness of Kim Kardashian’s Audrey Hepburn photo shoot respectively. May the Holy Bunny fill your Fallopian tubes with assorted eggs, candies, and those little birds made out of marshmallows. For as it is written.

Katherine Heigl

“Jesus, Mom! Of course, I don’t have to check where we are on this map! I’m Katherine Heigl! My big break came in 1999, when I was cast in a starring role on the teen science-fiction show Roswell which ran for three seasons. The part widened my exposure in Hollywood, and I filmed a variety of smaller projects during the show’s hiatus. After Roswell was canceled in 2002, I appeared in several made-for-TV movies, including a prequel to Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion and two Lifetime movies based on the Janet Oke novels Love’s Enduring Promise and Love Comes Softly. Between roles in independent and low-budget films (including Zyzzyx Road, which was released in 2006 to poor reviews, becoming infamously known as the lowest-grossing film in history), I filmed a pilot for a TV show about medical interns at a Seattle Hospital, which was eventually titled Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s Anatomy premiered in March 2005 and immediately became a smash hit, elevating my and my co-stars’ profiles in Hollywood. I met with more success in 2006 and 2007: I was nominated for a Golden Globe, and then won an Emmy Award (best supporting actress) for my role as Dr. Isobel “Izzie” Stevens on Grey’s Anatomy. Additionally, I starred in the 2007 smash comedy hit Knocked Up alongside Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann, and finished the year by marrying fiancé Josh Kelley in Park City, Utah. Around this same time, I worked with YOU to start my own production company, Abishag Productions. I named the company after the female figure (Abishag) in the Robert Frost poem “Provide, Provide.” Even as my reputation as a diva spiraled out of control, I continued to meet with both professional and personal success. From 2008 to 2010, I headlined four romantic comedies: 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, Killers and Life as We Know It. So, yes, I think I fucking know where we are!”

Said Pierce Bronzetan on The Crap We Missed – Monday 4.14.14

Kim Kardashian Audrey Hepburn

‘Audrey Hepburn – Talented woman who helped the Dutch Resistance during WWII, and who devoted a good portion of her life to UNICEF.

Kim Kardashian – Got pissed on, had two large mixing bowls implanted into her ass cheeks, brow beat the editor of Vogue into giving her a cover, has absolutely no soul.

Sure, I can see the resemblance.’

Said cmonreally on The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 4.16.14

[See you dickheads on Monday once I’ve fully sated myself with creme eggs. – SW]

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