The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.22

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet our weekly grab-bag of all the horrible shits you say in the comments that I love as if they were my own children. You’ll notice there’s two Morgan Freeman comments this week, and that’s because you can’t read them without hearing them in his voice making each one awesome. On top of that, a bunch of you went fucking bananadong over Russell Mcjimmy’s review of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” video, so I posted that in its entirety down below which reminded me of McFeely Smackup’s epic review of Farrah Abraham’s sex tape from May 2013. I could’ve sworn that shit happened just the other day. You’re all growing up way too fast. I don’t like it!


Nicki Minaj Butt Anaconda

A review:

Ms Minaj has produced a masterpiece, combining social commentary and a tasteful display of sexual liberation. Her video somehow manages to touch on and criticize many facets of modern life, ranging from architectural references to the fungibility of the English language.

Sexuality is omnipresent in this video, but it’s definitely sub-textual. She’s so demure and coy, especially the banana-eating and whipped-cream smearing. Such a clever metaphor! How does she manage to keep the interest of her viewers with such a prudish portrayal of sex? It’s a shame, though, that she thinks of her vagina as a boring sleep-aid. She’s apparently stupefied enough sexual partners that she’s earned the moniker “NyQuil.”

Minaj also uses her sexuality to promote a message of positive body-image. She points out that Micheal “love my sex appeal” despite (or perhaps because of?) it being clear that Minaj “ain’t missing no meals.” This provides the aforementioned Micheal with “something he can grab.” It’s quite a relief that she has the courage to show women can have a healthy appetite and still be both sexual and objectified.

The juxtaposition of slang and proper grammar is exciting and indicative of both complex lyrical development and an underlying post-modernist disdain for the structure and stricture of an imposed set of rules for speaking . The line, “he toss my salad like his name Romaine” shows that proper regard for the spelling of vegetable names can mix well with a complete disregard for verb tense.

When she compares Micheal’s penis to a tower, not Eiffel, it’s clearly a ploy to pique the listener’s curiosity and push the listener to expand their architectural knowledge beyond a stodgy old French landmark. I myself wondered if Micheal’s organ was more comparable to the Space Needle in Seattle with it’s thin shaft and wide top, or the Sears Tower in Chicago with it’s thick base and thinner top. Who knows? Perhaps she’s thinking of the Burj Dubai?

And let’s not forget the date-rape commentary. Surely when she mentions that she’s on “some dumb shit” and is “high as hell” despite only taking “half a pill,” she’s warning other women that some nefarious man might try to use drugs in order to initiate sexual congress.

All told, this video serves to provide a fantastic model for younger women. They should be sexual, yes, but not overtly so. They should be well-rounded in their vocabulary and diction. They should understand that the world is quite large and that one person’s vision of a large penis or a boring vagina may not be in congruence with the views of another. And above all, she is clear that women need to be careful as they go thru life; some people are out to exploit their sexuality and take advantage of their naivete. This is a fine set of lessons, most definitely suited for the pre-teen audience at whom it’s undoubtedly aimed.Russell Mcjimmy

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