Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet that features yet another, remarkably robust showing and probably the best Tom Cruise joke I’ve ever seen in all my years of celebrity tit blogging. But enough about Midget Jesus The Levitating Space Prince, let’s get right into this week’s Long One™ which paints a scene so inspirational and heartwarming Christopher Reeve rose from the dead and kicked a horse in the face. I couldn’t believe it:
‘I like to picture Donny Wahlberg this weekend sitting in a movie theater, a little boy to his right drooling into his small bucket of popcorn while Jenny on his left constantly yammers about how ‘this will be the best thing for her career,’ and how they never appreciated her anyway. He’ll try to cop a feel of her amazing, fake breasts, but she’ll bat his hand away. Then the movie will begin, and he’ll see his little brother fill the screen, running, jumping, shooting big guns alongside CGI robots. Then he’ll visualize the yacht this movie helped little brother buy for his perfect family, and whatever is left will go to another younger brother’s restaurant, causing that brother and mother to declare him the best brother and son ever.
And then Donny will weep.’
Said Swearin on Jenny McCarthy’s Acting Like She Quit ‘The View’ – 6.27.14