The Most Important People on The Internet: Volume 34

July 2nd, 2011 // 127 Comments

Welcome to the 34th installment of The Most Important People on The Internet that five of you will read because this is a special time in America where we honor Jesus defeating the English with nothing but an AK-47 and privatized health care by shooting fireworks into each others faces. So, enjoy this week’s smattering of comments, and also a tip of the hat to the commenters who brought true hilarity to my blackened heart. Namely every single dude who flipped the fuck out on the ‘Quentin Tarantino Sucked My Toes’ post. Apparently there’s a shocking amount of you who don’t realize women really do care about the size of our peni and tell all their friends how terrible we are in bed. Chances are if you’ve found yourself wondering if it’s too small, she’s told at least five people that it is, and also that time you farted when she took her pants off. Nothing is sacred which is why you should always go into sex like I do: With total disbelief that it’s happening and fully prepared that it won’t ever again because they hold all the vaginas. For now…

Yeesh, that came off rapey,

- The Superficial

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Splash News

superficial

  1. Cameron Diaz
    Jon
    Commented on this photo:

    Maaaaan.

  2. Octomom Nadya Suleman Hates Children
    snack pack
    Commented on this photo:

    I liked Fish’s comment better – about Octo calling her kids a-holes because they won’t all pic in one pic.

  3. Tiger Woods
    Blech
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s great.

  4. Jessica Simpson
    lemon
    Commented on this photo:

    *crickets chirping*

  5. lemon
    Commented on this photo:

    Best one so far.

  6. Nicole Eggert
    lemon
    Commented on this photo:

    I stand corrected; this is the best comment so far.

  7. Z

    Maybe there’s a “shocking amount” of male readers of The Superficial who honestly didn’t realize that girls talk to their friends about how terrible some guys are in bed. How that could be the case in our post-Sex in the City junk culture is beyond me, but I suppose it’s possible.

    I’d say it’s more likely the case that the readers in question weren’t “flipped the fuck out” over what anyone with access to The Superficial already knows (that girls talk to their friends about how terrible some guys are in bed, that size matters, etc., etc.), but were simply disgusted with Shah’s vain, catty, snotty, narcissistic, and just plain annoying attempt, via a supposedly “leaked” (like the sex videos of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, and Pam Anderson) email/tabloid-article, to make a grab at what she apparently hoped would be her 15 minutes.

  8. Hugh Hefner Anna Sophia Berglund
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    no amount of money in the world would enable me to suck on his wrinkled old sausage

  9. Janet Jackson
    The Train!
    Commented on this photo:

    this needs to be in the year end edition. outstanding.

  10. Paz De La Huerta
    The Train!
    Commented on this photo:

    the fact that i got the joke instantly makes me feel old and better than other people who did not get it.

  11. Peter Dinklage
    Abby Normal
    Commented on this photo:

    “Touch your balls! Get your balls touched here! One dollar!”

  12. Tom Hardy
    Lydia I Emerson
    Commented on this photo:

    I still think about that “Puh-in onna Rihhhz” quote on a daily basis and cringe in jealousy that I didn’t think about it first. Best quote of the year.

  13. Paz De La Huerta
    hbw
    Commented on this photo:

    Pure genious.

  14. 595-Norfiycenife

    Can’t believe this old windhag still around.

  15. Chris Hansen Cheating
    Barrett
    Commented on this photo:

    Have a seat Chris, this is going to be a long painful divorce

  16. Lindsay Lohan Drunk
    Kaheka Beck
    Commented on this photo:

    She has aged 20 years….. She hasn’t realized yet that if she plays ‘hard’, she’s going to look ‘hard’ & she is already. No ‘youthful glow’, just a pasty alcoholic complexion….Hang on to those walls, LiLo. That’s all that’s going to help keep you from completely falling down drunk…..not attractive…..

  17. Jersey Shore Deena Cortese
    Kaheka Beck
    Commented on this photo:

    Cover your butt, PLEASE!!! This should never be allowed in public!! It’s painful on the eyes…..I suppose there is someone somewhere who likes rump rolls falling down the back of someone’s legs….

  18. Hilary Duff Butt
    Barrett
    Commented on this photo:

    That is what is commonly referred to as a nice ass.

    So long, gay boy!

  19. Kim Kardashian Butt
    Kaheka Beck
    Commented on this photo:

    Hasn’t she learned yet that horizontal stripes make you look wider that you already are?

    • rantatonne

      Haven’t you learned that she is willing to go to any length to look make her ass look as wide as possible?

  20. Hilary Duff Butt
    Kaheka Beck
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s what you call being poured into ones pants…either that or they’re painted on…

  21. Alanis Morissette
    Haddo01
    Commented on this photo:

    Average. Plus, I’ve seen thicker.

  22. the captain

    he is like a sugar daddy to her………………

  23. Peter Dinklage
    Commented on this photo:

    Now that Game Of Thrones season is over, I wonder how much longer we’ll get our Daily Dinklage? I love this little guy!

  24. Lindsay Lohan Drunk
    Val
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s totally true and hilarious!!!!

    Awesome.

  25. Robert Pattinson
    Marlene
    Commented on this photo:

    Funniest one so far!

  26. Hugh Hefner Anna Sophia Berglund
    Commented on this photo:

    and i hear i though one of the most important people on the internet was me…………

  27. aww someone mad!

    QT post revealed how many superficial male readers have tiny fragile egos and small peens.thats why they post here regularly right, i mean of course i knew that.

  28. Problem?

    Wow, she looks so different from every other ho he has bedded

  29. Pauley Perette
    Mel Gibson's Shrink
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey look, it’s Abby!

  30. Happy Birthday, USA!

  31. Paz De La Huerta
    The O
    Commented on this photo:

    I had a shirt with that on it in 7th grade…

  32. Blue Eyed Beauty

    Why all Hef’s hooker only brown eyed girls. All all brown eyed girls becoming Hos now. Is this some new evolution thing? It’s just too weird to be a coincidence!

    • TomFrank

      Because Hef knows that brown-eyed girls like to “go down on the old man with a transistor radio.”

  33. Blue Eyed Beauty

    Sorry, for all you grammar Nazis out there, I meant HOOKERS!

  34. Blue Eyed Beauty

    Sorry, I also have a hangover -

    Why all Hef’s hookers only brown eyed girls. Are all brown eyed girls becoming Hos now. Is this some new evolution thing? It’s just too weird to be a coincidence!

  35. Hilary Duff Butt
    Axa
    Commented on this photo:

    yes sir, childbearing hips adn the shoulders of a line backer

  36. Nicole Eggert
    meh
    Commented on this photo:

    WHO IS THAT?????????????

  37. kcarroll26

    You’d be surprised by how much peen detail we girls discuss. :)

  38. Lindsay Lohan Drunk
    Bobbie
    Commented on this photo:

    Pleashh, pleashh, I swear to you I’m famous. Just give me a bump, I’m good for it, my name is, uh, uh, Meryl Streep. Shh, shhh, it’s true, I’m her.

  39. Jennifer Aniston
    Commented on this photo:

    prad bitt hahaha classic shit

  40. Chris Hansen Cheating
    Commented on this photo:

    idiot didnt he learn anything from the show and at least learn to hide his tracks? amateur!

  41. Bruce Willis
    Commented on this photo:

    bahahahahahaha classic!

  42. Tiger Woods
    Commented on this photo:

    looks like he has shaved his beard underneath to create an illusion of a smaller face

  43. Jessica Simpson
    Commented on this photo:

    haha nah i love it ..

  44. Commented on this photo:

    omg how do ppl come up with this…i need to be friends with these witty ppl..

  45. Lindsay Lohan Drunk
    Commented on this photo:

    wtf IS UP WITH HER FINGERS

  46. Dr. Robert Rey
    Commented on this photo:

    hahaha awesome!

  47. obz

    please, someone smack the smug grin off that old bastards face.

  48. Josh Hartnett
    bassackwards
    Commented on this photo:

    HEY!! That’s what *I* was going to say!

  49. Kim Kardashian Butt
    bassackwards
    Commented on this photo:

    and yet, she still turns her head to the side, just like that dog, whenever she hears that sound…. beep..beep..beep..beep whenever she happens to walk backwards….

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