The Most Important People on The Internet: Volume 24

April 22nd, 2011 // 228 Comments

Welcome to the 24th installment of The Most Important People on The Internet coming at you a day early this week because America comes to a grinding halt to honor fictional characters. Although, admittedly, I’m just salty there’s no National Batman Day. I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK! Anyway, enjoy this assortment of barbs, yucks and offensive chicanery brought to you by some of the finest commenters on the Internet today. If they were a wine, I’d store them in my basement and forget they there until I moved. I don’t throw compliments around like that lightly.

See you Monday,

- The Superficial

Click Here to Start The Gallery

Photo: Splash News

superficial

  1. The Superficial Comments
    Gerry C
    Commented on this photo:

    What’s the problem here. It isn’t overly revealing and she pulls it off. All these people talking about how sad it is are probably jealous muffin toppers.

  2. The Superficial Comments
    kimmykimkim
    Commented on this photo:

    Excellent!

  3. The Superficial Comments
    Mel Gibson's Shrink
    Commented on this photo:

    I agree that it’s too much for her age, but she looks great.

  4. The Superficial Comments
    kimmykimkim
    Commented on this photo:

    Laaaaamme.

  5. The Superficial Comments
    the word
    Commented on this photo:

    LMAO!

  6. Cardinal Fang

    Why have all those hotties on the Superficial banner if all we get is notties?

    • cc

      Agreed. I really, really want more pics of the girl from Austin who submitted a pic for the banner contest. She was perfect!!!

  7. The Superficial Comments
    Dutch
    Commented on this photo:

    People who smoke out of glass penises. . . wait .. .

  8. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    I agree…I laughed out loud at “sweep the eye”.

    funny thing is I saw him on Tosh.0 a few weeks ago, he had both eyes then.

  9. The Superficial Comments
    Jovy
    Commented on this photo:

    Hahahaha LOL xD

  10. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Fixed.

    Apologies to Cash, but this was supposed to be “Sweep the eye,” which I don’t think anyone here will dispute is a crane kick full of awesome.

  11. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Love the ripped knees and the sweater over-my-shoulder look.

  12. Clarence Beeks

    I have to have respect for her. She is a phenomenal athlete, and there is not an ounce of fat on that body.

    Is she attractive? Hell no. But she’s awesome.

    • mygawd

      playing tennis doesn’t make you an athlete. that is why so many girls play. and her body is slathered with lard, are you blind?

      • can you please go back to your cave?

      • S

        Hilarious! That is 100% government cheese!

      • mafme

        That’s a really stupid comment about tennis. There’s a difference between professional tennis and taking tennis lessons at the country club or playing moderately well in high school. That’s like saying that NFL players aren’t athletes because there were a lot of shitty kids on your 8th grade football team.

      • Clarence Beeks

        Serena could kick your ass in a fight, or at most sports, I am willing to bet. The woman is an ATHLETE who has trained her entire life.

        You are an asshole, mygawd.

    • RasputinsLiver

      Look again, zippy.

      From the ass on down it’s all pork ladened. Just fuckin’ sickening.

      • TT

        You’re just mad you could never have an ass.

      • mafme

        I’ve seen fat or flabby girls in bathing suits. Look at those teen mom hooks out on the beach– all of their bikinis cut into their fat. This one doesn’t. She doesn’t have extremely low body fat, but she’s strong as hell.

  13. The Superficial Comments
    footballisus
    Commented on this photo:

    Or is that his girlfriend”s thong to keep the swelling down in his sore eye!

  14. The Superficial Comments
    Ed
    Commented on this photo:

    Sex symbol just isn’t your bit Kesha, try drunk and easy chick.

  15. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    No disrespect to Rubber, but i liked this one better:
    Jenny with a Y | April 19, 2011 at 5:44 pm “Hey, LeAnn, did you want the rest of my pizza? I know I’m not done with it, but that didn’t stop you from running off with my husband, so I figured I’d ask…”

  16. The Superficial Comments
    cc
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s an Olsen twin concealed in each ass cheek.

  17. The Superficial Comments
    antoine bugleboy
    Commented on this photo:

    Adobe. Can you say that with me? Ah-doh-beh

  18. The Superficial Comments
    the doorman
    Commented on this photo:

    This whore is one of the worst of all the whores. Tries too hard, fails miserably, and not the least bit attractive. Oh and her “music” is awful too, of course.

  19. Artofwar

    ….Her hairline seems to be attempting some sort of prison-esque type of escape from her face. Oh well, I guess all is fair in women’s tennis and horse growth hormone injections…..Artofwar

  20. The Superficial Comments
    meh
    Commented on this photo:

    Ok…7th one in the set, and every comment has been fucking lame. Outta here.

  21. mygawd

    i didn’t know silverbacks had breast.

    • Ze German

      Wait, wait. Is that one of those “black” jokes people stuck in the 50′s keep telling me about? Classy shit.

    • RasputinsLiver

      I didn’t know Sasquatch wore bikinis and vacationed in Florida. Who knew?

      Now we know, let us not see anymore photos of it.

  22. The Superficial Comments
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Snoop has moobs.
    I didn’t notice that earlier: was distracted by huge…um….glass thingie.

  23. The Superficial Comments
    margucha
    Commented on this photo:

    HAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAAA

  24. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s the one right there. Well done.

  25. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Nicely done.

  26. The Superficial Comments
    chris breezy boxing academy
    Commented on this photo:

    it’s a 40 year old woman in a tube-top you mongoloid

  27. The Superficial Comments
    Satan's bitch
    Commented on this photo:

    Numbah one!

  28. The Superficial Comments
    jenn
    Commented on this photo:

    i fuckin loved peewee! haha.

  29. LJ

    for those not paying no nevermind…..

    Lindsay™….is now being booked, 120 days and 480 hours of community service BEFORE she goes to trial for stealing the necklace, that was for her parole violation.

  30. The Superficial Comments
    Anna
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks great though.

  31. The Superficial Comments
    gogogaga
    Commented on this photo:

    I LOVE this comment so much!!
    is so true!
    I also Loved the comment that said her music was the standard gay pop you hear at the gay clubs, that was so true as well, lady gaga doesnt make pop music, she makes Gay music

  32. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    I feel like superficial just kinda halfassed it this week. Some of them were hilarious (can i thine your tiths) but others like this, not so much. Did he write this himself? He missed some good ones like the Adam Lambert Sphincter Sphintoria.

  33. dum6 bl0nd3

    i’m tired of all these rehashes. “most important people…”, “crap we missed”, oh here’s some links from other people. i miss the old fish and his zingers. :o(

    • RasputinsLiver

      Indeed. gettin’ real sick of seeing grotesque, vomitus photos of the Williams grunt and those two old bags the redhead comedian Kathy and sickening Kirstie Alley.

      What the hell’s happened to this site, man?

    • dano

      who is this women?

  34. God

    I am said to be eternal, genderless, omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, and ultimately indescribable in the human language. It can be at best described as infinite Being, infinite Consciousness and infinite Bliss. I am regarded as the source and essence of the material universe. I am pure being…the “world soul”, which also can take many forms or manifestations of the thousands of gods. I was deemed a singular substrate from which all that is arises, and debuts
    lies behind the sum total of the objective universe, some human minds boggle at any attempt to explain it with only the tools provided by reason. I am beyond the senses, beyond the mind, beyond intelligence, beyond imagination. Indeed, the highest idea is that I am beyond both existence and non-existence, transcending and including time, causation and space, and thus can never be known in the same material sense as one traditionally ‘understands’ a given concept or object.
    I amconsidered the all pervading consciousness which is the basis of all the animate and inanimate entities and matter. I am both parts of contradictory positions. I am this and I am that.

    Now, having said that, with my omnipresent powers, Venus has a tootsie roll twice the size of Chyna’s. And yes, thesuperficial’s postings are on cruise-control with very little content as of late relying on these gimmicks> As the end all be all of everything, I demand myself make part of me write more clever musings

    • Satan

      Jesus, do you people even read the posts before you start bitching? Fish took the day off like most of America. He even said it twice. Fucking hell…

      • dum6 bl0nd3

        it’s not just about a vacation over the weekend. this is the, and I quote directly from the text – 24th installment – yes, there have been 23 previously just as boring, old, and stupid instances of this horrible “feature” article about “important people on the internet”. ditto for the “crap we missed”, etc. We’re complaining because we pine for the Old Fish, and vacation days were always acceptable from the Old Fish because the site was so much more entertaining.

    • dpbefun

      God, now that big foot has been spotted on a Miami beach, is the lockness monster real also?

  35. The Superficial Comments
    michelle
    Commented on this photo:

    OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  36. Dick Douche, Private Eye

    What, the Fish is a Christian or something? Where am I going to go for my Linday Lohan dirt? The Jews over at TMZ had to be home by sunset, hasn’t anybody outsourced their writing to Pakistan or something? Those Muslims will tell me what I need to know

    • God

      No wait, Fish is not God, dont assume that, nor is God Fish, they are the same.
      Let me ‘splain sumthin’ to your biased ass> Nothing in this is Christian, more Joesph Campbell, think, masks of God rather than defining a God and think the inspiration for Star Wars you delineating future member of the pit (endless eternity I made for you).
      Repent now, just agree, thats all it takes to keep you from the pit, and it actually makes sense. Since as God, I created science. Read on, nothing Christian about it although I created Christianity, I also created balance to it. In some ways it was co-opted by Satan, which is atman. Anyways, long story short, no need to worry, I have had my tech team figuring it all out.
      This dual nature of the single divinity or totality of the universe, Brahman (God in your culture) and Atman (FISH in your world view), gets worked out in the following way. Brahman can be located both in the physical, external world and also in the spiritual and inner world where it is present as Atman, “universal spirit.” Now every human being has an undying soul (atman) which, because of samsara, lasts through eternity from life to life; this undying atman is a microcosm of Atman, the universal spirit, which is identical to Brahman. By understanding your true Self, by coming to know one’s own undying soul, one then arrives at the knowledge of Brahman itself; the key to understanding the nature of the one unitary principle of the universe is to see one’s (undying) self as identical with Brahman: “aham asmi Brahman”: I am Brahman.

      Here’s the equation: Brahman=Atman=atman = (God=Fish=Lazy laid off cowriter). Brahman is the totality of the universe as it is present outside of you;, Atman is the totality of the universe as it is present within you; Brahman is the totality of the world known objectively, Atman is the totality of the world known subjectively. This equation fundamentally underlies the whole of Krishna’s teachings concerning dharma in the Baghavad Gita .

  37. The Superficial Comments
    ChinaSuperficial
    Commented on this photo:

    Best comment this year. Equinox is the Man.

  38. The Superficial Comments
    Brooke
    Commented on this photo:

    Well in that case, I want one.

  39. The Superficial Comments
    Brooke
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy crap, there IS a boob under her armpit. Perceptive comment!

  40. The Superficial Comments
    Brooke
    Commented on this photo:

    That guy in the background looks awesome.

  41. The Superficial Comments
    Brooke
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh wow, nostalgic quote!

  42. The Superficial Comments
    Brooke
    Commented on this photo:

    Because he’s black? What?

  43. The Superficial Comments
    Brooke
    Commented on this photo:

    oh god the laughter,,,,

  44. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    omg so wrong but so funny

  45. The Superficial Comments
    Marco
    Commented on this photo:

    Best comment this month. Not to mention that the rest of this week’s comments were not even remotely funny.

  46. HCV

    That banner pic makes me throw up.

  47. RasputinsLiver

    Please, Fish.

    In the name of all that’s unholy. Please do not show anymore photos of that grotesque, cottage cheese ladened sasquatch Serena Williams anymore.

    Man, between the freakish Kathy what’shername, that old bag Kirstie Alley and Williams this site’s really takin’ a dive, dude.

    • God

      Point taken, its been an experiment. I have a universe to run you know. No worries, Fish will be back next week in full form. God is now running the show, no more demigods or wannabe gods or want to pretend to be masks of God.
      Stand on me
      Thy shall be done from here to kingdone come. Ok I’ll stop, just saying, Ill write more. Just with this divorce and all I have barely time to devote to Britney Spears and Lady Gaga and Lindsay Lohan getting tossed in the clink
      At some point, you just *chamber the gun*
      And at what pont would you enjoy this site if the writer takes his life? It would probably be as desolate as bobfromaccounting.com since he wrote his last funny pice five years ago with a memo to everyone ahow who the “F# k stole my lean pckets”
      Only to have Bob’s site die as he wrote his epitaph from his bomb shelter over several months as he ran out of provisions, talking abous his female asian coworker.
      No, no the superficial will not succumb to that fate my friend.
      God has some issues, I have to ten to the prayers of sportsteam fans, as such. I have much on my table at the moment.
      But look, next week, thesuperficial.com will have funny reports on topical matters. Stand on me
      God

    • HCV

      I agree. WTF.

  48. God

    sorry about the typos, God created Milwaukee’s Best Ice. I have no one to blame but myself
    Hoorah, I just peed like a girl

    Stares longling in the mirror, *what have I become?*

  49. the captain

    ………..wide hips?
    THE KIDS JUST PLOP OUT, folks!!

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