‘The Matrix’ Is Getting A Reboot, It’s Come To This

“I know this reboot idea doesn’t exist. I know that when I get the script, The Matrix will tell me it is dogshit, but easy money. After 18 years, you know what I realize? Hollywood is garbage.”

I love pointing at butthurt manbabies and laughing when they rant on the internet about how their “childhoods are ruined” when Hollywood studios remake their favorite movies and try to make them play nice with yucky girls. It’s one of the joys of my life. But karma is apparently a salty bitch, because now I’m about to throw a pissy tantrum over Warner Bros. decision to reboot The Matrix. That shit was my world senior year in high school, and I don’t even care that the watching the awful sequels in college was as depressing as never getting laid. Via The Hollywood Reporter:

It’s still not clear what shape the project will take, but sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that Warner Bros. is in the early stages of developing a relaunch of The Matrix, the iconic 1999 sci-fi movie that is considered one of the most original films in cinematic history, with Zak Penn in talks to write a treatment.
Sources say there is potential interest in Michael B. Jordan to star, but much must be done before the project is ready to go.
At this point, the Wachowski siblings, who wrote and directed the original and its two sequels, are not involved and the nature of their potential engagement with a new version has not been determined. Certainly, Warners would want the two filmmakers to give at minimum a blessing to the nascent project. The studio had no comment.

No. Nope. FUCKING NO GODDAMN WAY! Michael B. Jordan already shat all over another childhood favorite of mine with Creed, which was laughably bad but somehow skated by on nostalgia boners. His Philly-born girlfriend got mayonnaise on her cheesesteak in that movie. FUCKING MAYONNAISE! Had anyone involved in that production even heard of Philadelphia? They’re legally allowed to pelt her to death with batteries for that.

Seriously, I’m making a promise right now to the weiner-dick neckbeards that if they have some kind of internet magic they can use to stop this, I will say nothing next time they stroke out over a girl or a Latino person being cast in a thing they like. And, fuck, they’re already emailing rape threats. Never mind! I regret opening this box of awfu- And goddamnit, there’s a video of me masturbating going out to all of my contacts. Wonderful. This is great.

[Ed. Note: That’s some quality wrist action! – Fish]

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