Sony Cancelled ‘The Interview’ Because of North Korea or Something

If you somehow haven’t heard by now, Sony Pictures cancelled The Interview, an upcoming comedy where James Franco and Seth Rogen assassinate Kim Jong-un, after a bunch of hackers called the “Guardians of The Galaxy” or some bullshit said the words 9/11 which naturally caused every theater chain in America to shit their pants without once considering the capability of orchestrating a nation-wide attack on every cinema across the country. Plus it’s not like these fuckers could get easy access to firearms. What kind of insane asylum would that be? Anyway, with nobody willing to show the film, and our own government now saying North Korea is “centrally involved” with the hacks, Sony had no choice but to back out (while also collecting a shitload of insurance money by also axing VOD), and basically set a horrible precedent going forward that probably still won’t stop another Transformers movie, so it’s even worse than we thought. On top of that, now I have to read fat, white shitheads on social media saying we should go to war over a fucking movie instead of reading their blanket support of torture in between pro-life Bible quotes. Which is really the only part I care about because it’s affecting me on a personal level. Why are you making me read the dumb I don’t want to read when I just want that other dumb? Anyway, I honestly don’t have much else to say about this horseshit, so here’s a great Vice interview with cyber security expert Peter W. Singer which is definitely worth a read and contained this money quote:

It is mind-boggling to me, particularly when you compare it to real things that have actually happened. Someone killed 12 people and shot another 70 people at the opening night of Batman: The Dark Knight [Rises]. They kept that movie in the theaters. You issue an anonymous cyber threat that you do not have the capability to carry out? We pulled a movie from 18,000 theaters.

And to cap things off, here’s the scene from The Interview where Kim Jong-un gets his head blown off because I’m basically daring someone to secretly turn my webcam on and broadcast me masturbating to the Internet. So when that happens, just know that it is definitely porn on my screen, and I have no idea where the Care Bears theme song is coming from. They added that in, those terrorists bastards. AMERICA!

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Photos: Sony Pictures