‘The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug’ Has A Trailer

June 11th, 2013 // 23 Comments
Bilbo Baggins Desolation of Smaug Trailer
WATCH: 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug' Trailer

Here’s the first trailer for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug which looks like it’ll be exactly like The Hobbit right down to the epic battle scenes, gorgeous landscapes and expanded Tolkien lore all punctuated with random slapstick that kills the whole movie dead. So if you really want to sell me on this one, I need to hear the words, “No giant eagles.” Although, I’ll also accept, “Evangeline Lilly will use your penis as a bow,” which I probably should’ve said first, so forget the eagles. Put them in every scene. Have them fight the dragon.

[Quick Review of The Hobbit: Hands down the most beautiful Blu-ray I've ever looked at. (On a Plasma.) If you liked the first Lord of The Rings, it's worth a watch right up until the characters enter the Goblin Kingdom and then the whole thing becomes a cartoon shit-show before Peter Jackson pisses in your face to thank you for the three hours you just spent. - SW]

superficial

  1. Jazzy Jeff

    Hobbit 2 – The quest for more money

  2. Also, what was with the 3 Cave Troll Stooges? Did George Lucas produce that one?

  3. Nonnie Moose

    It’s been more than a week since I last read The Hobbit, but I’m failing to remember Legolas, hawt girl elves, or Radagast the Brown being part of the cast.

    Alzheimers, I guess. :(

  4. Weeblo

    They needs that pron chick Farah teenage mom to get pounded by a hobbit

    • ThisWillHurt

      yo uneeds to wach how u tipe b4 u hit “summit”

      Also, nobody gives a shit about Horseface McPutitinmybutt anymore. We’ve moved on to tall people pretending to be short for a film franchise, so get with the times.

  5. Peter Jackson is an ass, and his movies are unwatchable mercenary crap that have almost nothing to do with his source material except for a few names. Since his bastardized Lord of the Rings movies he has consistently re-written every Tolkien character and situation seemingly to make money. The only way they could be worse is if they were Disney movies…

    • Nonnie Moose

      In my universe, Peter Jackson died horribly and painfully of anal cancer after making Fellowship of the Ring. The producers read the scripts Jackson had prepared for the sequels and decided to give up the franchise in disgust. “Dwarf tossing and elves skateboarding? Who the fuck would watch this dreck? Let’s do another remake of Fun with Dick and Jane instead. It’ll go over like gangbusters in this economy.”

  6. Cock Dr

    Want to see the dragon. Screw the rest.

  7. I can’t wait for the finale “The Hobbit 3: Why Is This a Thing?”

  8. Deacon Jones

    Soooo…..they already find Smaug in the 2nd one?

    So what in the fuck will the 3rd one be about??

    The Hobbit: It’s Sunday and We’re Hungover, Lets Get Burger King”

    • The 3rd one is titled “There and Back Again”, which if you’re familiar with the books is what Bilbo titled the story of his adventure. I assume that means the 3rd movie will be the “Back Again” part…which in the book consisted of an uneventful pony ride and an interrupted storage unit auction.

      However, with the “necromancer” side plot that Jackson manufactured for the first movie hanging around like a turd caught in a dogs butt hair, I bet we’ll be seeing more of that abortion. Like most abortions, it’ll be sucked up and forgotten before the lights come on.

      • The necromancer wasn’t manufactured, it was present in the book (we just didn’t see what happened).

        I’m guessing the 3rd movie will be the build up to the Battle of the Five Armies and then the tie-in to the LotR.

      • SMB

        …i was thinking the same thing, the big battle, like that old animated version from the 70′s.

  9. I made it about an hour in, to where they’re just setting off on the journey, then I had to stop watching before I died of boredom.

  10. Batu Khan

    Well, the trailer was already terrible. Don’t expect this movie to make more than a billion. Can’t believe they even made it.

  11. SMB

    TANGENT… plasma really is the way to go… it’s just like the old beta vs. vhs wars of the early 80′s, when beta lost even though it was the superior format (which is why all television & film masters were on beta until the age of digital) …plasma is cheaper (now), has a way better picture quality, none of that “i can’t see the picture from the side” crap, and they no longer have the screen-burn-on problem.

  12. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    The guy recently bought an 80 miillion jet. Rest assured, he loves you all (I’ve never seen any of his films. He doesn’t love me).

  13. Elf

    Why are people complaining? Over two hours of Peter Jackson elfin fanfic? Awesome!

  14. Daze

    Woo another shitty kids movie with 0 suspense and awful CGI.

    The Hobbit triology is what the prequels are to the Star Wars saga.

    First one was so fucking bad I’m not even gonna see this one.

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