The Great Charlie Sheen Custody Battle

March 2nd, 2011 // 78 Comments

Despite being a mercury surfboard riding rock star who always has the winning plan, reality finally caught up with Charlie Sheen and punched him right in the coke-nuts last night when police arrived at his house and took his sons after he violated his custody agreement with Brooke Mueller. His response? “My fangs are dripping with tiger blood.” (No, really.) Brooke also won a restraining order against him after he allegedly threatened to “cut her head off, put it in a box and send it to her mom.” His response to that? “Great. I was already planning on staying 100 parsecs away from her.” (Again: No, really.) Jump to this morning where a clearly tranquilized Charlie appeared on The Today Show and actually tried to argue that his children are safer with him:

On threatening Brooke Mueller:
Sheen called that comment “colorful,” but denied he had ever made it. “I did not. That’s a good one, I guess; I guess if you spend enough time around me, you can formulate things that could have come from my mouth.”

On why he didn’t honor the visitation agreement:
“I rejected it because I knew that unlike myself, her drug test would not be clean.”

On his message to Brooke:
“Brooke, I’m sorry that you felt this had to be done in this way, but this does not display any responsible parenting or anything that I’m familiar with. And I think that cooler and smarter, leveler heads can prevail, and I urge you to reach out to me immediately if not sooner and tell me where our sons are.”

Oh, it’d be “cooler” to let Charlie have the kids in his house full of paid prostitutes. Why didn’t anyone think of that? But, no, seriously, welcome to the cold reality of this situation: There are children involved and Charlie Sheen is an insane drug addict. To further prove that last point, he’s released photos to his new lapdog RadarOnline which show Brooke Mueller doing drugs when she, admittedly, relapsed last week – IN HIS HOUSE. Granted, I’m not a huge fan of sending kids from one drug addict to another, and at this point would prefer to see them tossed into the broken state system for an iota of chance in this world, there’s no way Brooke isn’t the lesser of two evils here. That said, it’s going to be entertaining to watch Charlie fucking Sheen make comments like this about someone’s drug abuse:

“Chaos and mayhem spilling out of the bag she punctures. I’ve been looking at it too long, that’s why I divorced the b*tch.”

Somewhere Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez’s heads attempted to explode but resisted thanks to the powerful Martian tiger blood coursing through their veins. (I’m operating under the assumption it’s hereditary at this point.)

Photos: INFdaily


  1. Jimbo

    Nice rack, You can’t find any pics of her naked boobs?

  2. Cock Dr

    Charlie & his grandiose personality order don’t understand that you just can’t beat the system. Especially if you can’t keep your crazy mouth shut. He’s just giving them high caliber ammo to use against him.
    Thank god!

  3. Charlie Sheen Twitter
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s the nanny? So much hotter than the pornstar chick!

  4. Practice Girlfriend/Wang Poon-Pok

    It’s hump day. We should use porn names.

  5. Sugar

    That girl is very average looking there. Hardly a “goddess.” Of course she’s still much better looking than I am.

  6. Fernando

    Hey man, did you post this shit from your iPhone? Grammar cheek this bitch. “The are children involved”- get duh fuck outta here, really?

  7. Charlie Sheen Twitter
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    He doesn’t have to say anything. Just look at the eyes.

  8. Eric

    What a train wreck this whole fiasco has become. This is just further evidence of the moral bankruptcy that perpetuates in Hollywood. Charlie Sheen is the luckiest douchebag alive and people line up to tickle his balls with a feather.

    • Actually, moral bankruptcy would only exist if the show were still filming and he were being paid to star in it, regardless of meltdowns, arrests, assaults, spiraling addiction, manic phases and who knows what else. It is a train wreck, tho, and a pretty sad one. The media’s encouraging him to expose and then bury himself on every “exclusive” forum they can come up with and then picking over the bones, but they’ve always been that way – it’s not exactly “Hollywood” that’s to blame.

    • I think moral bankruptcy exists everywhere, not just Southern California.

  9. Sheen is Awesome

    Seems all the coke & crazy talk isn’t producing the desired results for Mr. Sheen. Obviously, he needs to do more coke and unleash even crazier tirades, several times a day, on every media outlet available. It just makes sense.

    • Deacon Jones

      I’m telling everyone, he’s not even on coke, he’s at the peak (aka Manic Phase) of his bipolar disorder. He’s starting to come down. Once he does, he’ll be at the “polar” opposite, and no one will hear from him for a week or two, as he’ll sleep for days and be in a deep depressive state.

      I’ve fucking seen it in college, it’s crazy.

      I do, however, appreciate the parsecs reference.

      • While you may be right, you’re assuming he must have type I, which would mean rapid cycling, and that might not be the case at all. Milder forms can involve manic/depressive phases that last for years, and if you throw drug use into the mix that can exacerbate things off the charts for any form. God only knows what chocolate milk mixed with tiger blood will do.

      • Burt

        Yup, he does sound manic.

  10. Herself

    As awful as this is, it make SW salty, which is really when he is at his best. If something good has to come out of this … at least we have that.

  11. GoatmealCrisp

    Prostitution – It Does a Body Good

  12. Charlie Sheen Twitter
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder what she’s going to do when the gravy train hits the station and she wakes up next to an old battered-down has been broke-ass actor?

  13. Rock Republic

    Love Bree but every time I see her I just stare at that crater on her forehead. I need to find a way to refocus on her boobs.

  14. Charlie Sheen Twitter
    Commented on this photo:

    Dude, that’s Bree Olson …

    Looks like Charlie’s got a blast with all of this happening.

  15. Charlie Sheen Brooke Mueller Twins
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Poor little guys. Here’s hoping some of the grandparents & the hired help are sober, caring, responsible people.

  16. I have never thought Sheen was all that funny. That is, until this week. And then I remember that the man has 5 children. So yeah. Still not funny.

  17. Charlie Sheen Twitter
    Commented on this photo:

    “And here we have the sketch for my Charlie Sheen butt plug.”

  18. O

    Charlie Sheen is one scary bastard.

  19. jim x

    Can I just say, fuck the Today show? Giving this freak a soap box, so he can attempt to pretend he has a fingernail’s grasp on reality?

    • m

      The Today Show and EVERY OTHER MEDIA OUTLET IN EXISTENCE all of whom have the “exclusive” Charlie Sheen interview. Hey assholes, it’s not exclusive anymore!

  20. so what’s with the product placement, is he lookin to direct a britney video while the show’s on hiatus?

  21. ” I urge you to reach out to me immediately if not sooner”..

    Jesus, Charlie. Give Brooke a break. Not everyone is so high they can jump the space/time continuum.

  22. Ill rough you just the way you are

    Isnt comical how quickly, Judges and Law Enforcements move when it comes to celebs?

    • jim x

      That, and how slowly it comes to actually searching the house and putting handcuffs on the motherfucker. Excuse me, goddess-fucker.

      If that was a middle-class house, let alone a non-white one, can you imagine how quick the coked-up dad would be face down on the pavement with a knee in his back while cops toss the house like a the prison salad he’ll be facing?

  23. Freaky

    I made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

  24. Marceelf

    Charlie Sheen is obviously no Mufasa, but you all do realize that Brooke Mueller hasn’t had 30 days off drugs for over 2 years now right? She is currently in a day treatment program, as she was when she was doing drugs at Charlie’s. My money is on her OD’ing way before him. The kids are with her mother, who apparently hasn’t done a bang up job with her. Maybe someone ought to sneak those kids into Angelina Jolie’s house. No one will notice another set of small twins on runs to the toy store.

  25. Charlie Sheen lives with two former porn stars…Brooke Mueller is a drug using picnic basket full of crazy. Frankly, I’d pick charlie over her any day as the better parent.

    Charlie PASSED his drug test…would Brooke?

    • Marceelf

      I wouldn’t be surprised if Brooke tried snorting their baby powder and forgot to feed them.

    • jim x

      Considering that, in his own words, Charlie Sheen’s drug addiction is to Charlie Sheen, it’s safe to say that Mueller’s gotten over that addiction. And that he is nowhere near recovery.

      • Marceelf

        I’m not so sure she’s over that addiction since she hopped a plane with him to the Bahamas a week ago and agreed to move into a house a few doors down. Don’t see Denise Richards agreeing to that deal.

  26. Deandra

    The whore he is with is distgusting piece of should of been abortion…if i was her i would be so embarrassed and ashamed. She is fucking someone old enough to be her dad, to me that is nasty, my dad is 48! I guess when your a coke whore this is what you do to maintain your cocaine supply…she is nasty, fake and a joke. Who cares if shes a pornstar THATS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF! I have my degree and Im proud of that, this stupid cunt will become a wilted flower in no time…and him, well he is like a living joke, all that money and stupid as shit.

  27. Charlie Sheen Brooke Mueller Twins
    Commented on this photo:

    shes old AND fat.

  28. Satan's bitch

    As Bill Maher said, even train wrecks stop to look at this shit.

  29. I cannot disagree with many of the opinions read above…

    However… What if… Just WHAT IF… All this crazy stuff means Charlie figured out how to screw the network to get more money, highlight his ex is drugged out and whacked so he can get custody, and in the end win the hearts of the Reality TV generation to become their overlord… Maybe… Maybe, he really is winning??? How crazy would THAT be?? Or he really is just batshit crazy. I almost hope it IS a ruse.

    • Burt

      Nah, he’s having a manic episode. Anything good career wise that may come to him out of this is either pure luck or the fruits of the effort of his manager.

    • Remember when Joquain Pheonix tried to do the fake career meltdown thing, so he could sell a “documentary” film about it all?

      that’s all I”m gonna say. i’m not saying I KNOW “something” or have any “inside information”, but I am going to put words in quotes and all caps that insinuate that.

  30. Either he is playing one hell of a PR game or he’s been hanging around with Mr. Gibson.

    • Burt

      It’s a bit of both. He’s losing it, but he still has competent people telling him what to do, or trying to.

  31. Gerbil in my Butt

    He sounded just like (the late) Hunter Thompson this morning. Awesome!

  32. TheAdmiral

    At this moment in time, I don’t think I could imagine anything that could not have come out of Charlie Sheen’s mouth, so really, Brooke has carte-blanche to claim he said he’d drown his kids in vodka and caramel and it’s believable.

  33. Charlie Sheen Brooke Mueller Twins
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s all like, “put the toy in your mouth!”

  34. Charlie Sheen Twitter
    The Most Interesting
    Commented on this photo:

    Bree: “Get naked?”
    Carlos: “Got butt milk?”

  35. Charlie Sheen Brooke Mueller Twins
    Kyle Butler
    Commented on this photo:

    The way that kid is staring into the light… it’s like he knows how to find his father.

    ..sadly too far down the list to be used in the weekend recap :(

  36. Snooki Lover

    Can’t wait for the eventual comeback – if Hollywood can call for pedophile Polanksi’s return, you know they’ll welcome Charlie back in a heartbeat.

  37. Charlie Sheen Brooke Mueller Twins
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    Shortly after this pic, the kid on the right tried to snort his Tootsie Pop. Apple – close proximity – tree.

  38. Charlie Sheen Brooke Mueller Twins
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    How does Charlie Sheen make $2 mil per episode, yet his kids look like they were dressed out of the bargain bin at Big Lots?

  39. Aussie Mama

    This is a great and a wise career move on Chucks part. He will be paid more than ever and people will eat their words!

  40. Aussie Mama

    or snort their words!
    speaking of snorting, look at disgraceful whitney houston, snorting coke with her daughter.
    can’t blame that one on bobby brown!

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