The Great Charlie Sheen Custody Battle

Despite being a mercury surfboard riding rock star who always has the winning plan, reality finally caught up with Charlie Sheen and punched him right in the coke-nuts last night when police arrived at his house and took his sons after he violated his custody agreement with Brooke Mueller. His response? “My fangs are dripping with tiger blood.” (No, really.) Brooke also won a restraining order against him after he allegedly threatened to “cut her head off, put it in a box and send it to her mom.” His response to that? “Great. I was already planning on staying 100 parsecs away from her.” (Again: No, really.) Jump to this morning where a clearly tranquilized Charlie appeared on The Today Show and actually tried to argue that his children are safer with him:

On threatening Brooke Mueller:
Sheen called that comment “colorful,” but denied he had ever made it. “I did not. That’s a good one, I guess; I guess if you spend enough time around me, you can formulate things that could have come from my mouth.”

On why he didn’t honor the visitation agreement:
“I rejected it because I knew that unlike myself, her drug test would not be clean.”

On his message to Brooke:
“Brooke, I’m sorry that you felt this had to be done in this way, but this does not display any responsible parenting or anything that I’m familiar with. And I think that cooler and smarter, leveler heads can prevail, and I urge you to reach out to me immediately if not sooner and tell me where our sons are.”

Oh, it’d be “cooler” to let Charlie have the kids in his house full of paid prostitutes. Why didn’t anyone think of that? But, no, seriously, welcome to the cold reality of this situation: There are children involved and Charlie Sheen is an insane drug addict. To further prove that last point, he’s released photos to his new lapdog RadarOnline which show Brooke Mueller doing drugs when she, admittedly, relapsed last week – IN HIS HOUSE. Granted, I’m not a huge fan of sending kids from one drug addict to another, and at this point would prefer to see them tossed into the broken state system for an iota of chance in this world, there’s no way Brooke isn’t the lesser of two evils here. That said, it’s going to be entertaining to watch Charlie fucking Sheen make comments like this about someone’s drug abuse:

“Chaos and mayhem spilling out of the bag she punctures. I’ve been looking at it too long, that’s why I divorced the b*tch.”

Somewhere Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez’s heads attempted to explode but resisted thanks to the powerful Martian tiger blood coursing through their veins. (I’m operating under the assumption it’s hereditary at this point.)

Photos: INFdaily