The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 2.3.15

The decision to use Paris Hilton for today’s The Crap We Missed lead pic followed my actual pondering of whether or not she got implants. I genuinely cared for a moment about one of the world’s least important humans and if she decided to get goo sacs shoved into her chest. I used to read non-fiction and go hiking, but now it’s just Nicki Minaj’s areola this and Jeremy Piven’s homoerotic beach day that. As a kid, I wanted to be a marine biologist. Now, the closest I’ll get to a whale is Kim Kardashian’s Instagram account. *sighs, looks out window* Wow, that cloud looks like a gross old lady’s butt in yoga pants. I’m ruined, aren’t I?

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News