The Crap We Missed – Monday 9.17.12

September 17th, 2012 // 833 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, where we take a weekend’s worth of celebrity nonsense and transmute it into pure gold. It’s just like alchemy, only the gold is dick jokes. Anyway, today we’ve got Wilmer Valderrama showing us his swag bag of high tech gadgets that he will trade to teenagers for sex, while Dolph Lundgren opts for a much more direct approach, Victoria Beckham letting baby Harper know what’s will happen if that double chin isn’t gone by her first birthday, this vampire, who will know haunt your dreams for the next eternity or so, and finally, Mark-Paul Gosselaar‘s epic fail at Hamming (I told you).

Holy Cow! Is that a recognizable person in the Final Five? You’ll have to forgive me, it’s unusual is all..

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Amber Heard Butt Tight Jeans Mustang
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    What, its not Kristin Stewart?

  2. Amber Heard Butt Tight Jeans Mustang
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Is she living in a 70′s cop show?

  3. John Travolta Savages Premiere
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Hair and eyebrows by Sharpie.

  4. John Travolta Savages Premiere
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    You know, he turned into Commander Data so slowly that none of us even noticed until it was too late…

  5. Shannon Leto Jared Leto Artifact Premiere TIFF
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks more like they are ready for a barn raising in rural Pennsylvania.

  6. January Jones Son Xander With Black Nanny
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah, I’d be ashamed too, kid.

  7. Shannon Leto Jared Leto Artifact Premiere TIFF
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Good to see Hank Williams, Jr. is doing well.

  8. Shannon Leto Jared Leto Artifact Premiere TIFF
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    You really have to try to look like this big of a tool(s).

  9. Rumer Willis Cleavage Nipples No Bra
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    “If you pull on the bow, you can see my sexy body!”

    “Which one do I pull to cover your face?”

  10. Andy Cohen John Mayer
    kimmykimkim
    Commented on this photo:

    Needs more bible camp necklaces.

  11. Wilmer Valderrama NCLR ALMA Awards
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Yikes, for a second there I thought he was pointing to a small boy he had in his “NAMBLA” hand bag.

  12. Amber Heard Butt Tight Jeans Mustang
    Emma Watson's Vagina
    Commented on this photo:

    girl those are the wrong pants for doing tricks. haven’t you seen those 70′s show.

  13. Wilmer Valderrama NCLR ALMA Awards
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    The tote bag makes the teachers think I’m one of them!

  14. Arnold Schwarzenegger
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    We definitely need more backstory to this photo.

  15. Lake Bell Cleavage Creative Arts Emmys
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, too intense girl. Dial it back a notch.

  16. AnnaLynne McCord Nipples No Bra Tank Top Legs Short Shorts
    kimmykimkim
    Commented on this photo:

    Terrifying face.

    • Joaquin ingles

      Well let’s look beyond that Kimmy and give her some credit. She was quite good as a child actress. I for one think she did a fine job as the fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror.

  17. Arnold Schwarzenegger
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Is he going on tour with Motley Crue?

  18. Victoria Beckham Harper Beckham
    Emma Watson's Vagina
    Commented on this photo:

    finally finding out who his daddy is

  19. Joe Giudice Toy Gun Teresa Giudice Cleavage
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Man, even her cheeseball husband has been cutting back on his firearms purchases. They MUST be bankrupt.

  20. Shannon Leto Jared Leto Artifact Premiere TIFF
    kimmykimkim
    Commented on this photo:

    Good. We needed two of these.

  21. Jeremy Davies Creative Arts Emmys
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Well, he wasn’t “at” the awards ceremony so much as they just happened to be holding it near his dumpster.

  22. Fiona Apple
    Emma Watson's Vagina
    Commented on this photo:

    bitch please! you are not Kim Kardashian and that is not a black microphone.

  23. Kat Von D Butt Crack Yoga Pants
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    I think she just gave my eyes an STD.

  24. Siegfried And Roy Holding Baby Oktoberfest
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    “….And zen…Roy mumbles to me “Put dis child’s large head up my butt”…and eva zince zen, we’ve been in love with him.”

  25. Amber Heard Butt Tight Jeans Mustang
    Dan Quayle
    Commented on this photo:

    70′s hookers had V.D.

  26. Dolph Lundgren
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah, that’s real interesting about how you want to be an actress and all…oh look, here’s a cab.

  27. Rumer Willis Cleavage Nipples No Bra
    Dan Quayle
    Commented on this photo:

    ROBOCOP

  28. Shaun White Dumb Hat The Oranges Screening
    BB
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, those hair extensions really DO make David Spade look younger.

  29. Siegfried And Roy Holding Baby Oktoberfest
    USDA Prime McBeef
    Commented on this photo:

    Did they even try to stitch his head back on straight?

    …Straight. LOL.

  30. Wilmer Valderrama NCLR ALMA Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    See this bag? I’m going be living off the contents of this bag for a week.

  31. Dolph Lundgren
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Annnnnd…..

    Cue moment the cute 23 year old who was flirting with an aging celebrity in a club for fun just realized she’s going to have to put his veiny penis in her mouth!

  32. Mark-Paul Gosselaar Penis Wet Suit
    Jon Hamm's Cock
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s smaller than his Hyperion Bay residuals.

  33. Fiona Apple
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    As someone who has a very specific starving-East-European -factory-worker fetish, I approve.

  34. Wilmer Valderrama NCLR ALMA Awards
    BB
    Commented on this photo:

    “This is a bag of dicks, would you like to help me suck?”

  35. Kim Kardashian Khloe Kardashian Huge Butts Tight Pants
    Moo
    Commented on this photo:

    Umm…I just don’t get it. It’s not physically possible. I vote ‘magical butt implants’ I have a booty as well so I am definitely not hating…maybe a little lol

  36. John Travolta Savages Premiere
    jack
    Commented on this photo:

    BRAINSSSSS

  37. Wayne Knight Newman Face
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Okay, who wants to see my van?

  38. Kim Kardashian Khloe Kardashian Huge Butts Tight Pants
    DP
    Commented on this photo:

    Disgusting

  39. Amber Heard Butt Tight Jeans Mustang
    CrashHell
    Commented on this photo:

    Get outta my dreams AND INTO MY CAR!

  40. Nicki Minaj Cleavage
    joe
    Commented on this photo:

    Yo Dawg! Idol’s gonna be a train wreck this season.

  41. Andy Cohen John Mayer
    jack
    Commented on this photo:

    you put it in her butt??? no way!!!

  42. Wayne Knight Newman Face
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    The exact moment Newman realized he could grab the small girl and *probably* make it to the nearby idling van without getting caught.

  43. Olivia Munn Cleavage Tank Top
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Someone just asked her if she had the shrimp.

  44. Kim Kardashian Khloe Kardashian Huge Butts Tight Pants
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s getting fatter by the second

  45. Tyra Banks No Make Up Jogging
    Dina Crackwhore
    Commented on this photo:

    DAFUQ?

  46. Shannon Leto Jared Leto Artifact Premiere TIFF
    jack
    Commented on this photo:

    these guys aren’t tools – they’re the whole fucking box

  47. Tyra Banks No Make Up Jogging
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    E.T. run home?

  48. Dania Ramirez Cleavage NCLR ALMA Awards
    jack
    Commented on this photo:

    lower

  49. John Travolta Savages Premiere
    Joe
    Commented on this photo:

    He has reached a state of “Clear”.

  50. John Travolta Savages Premiere
    Ghost
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like count dracula

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