The Crap We Missed – Monday 6.15.15

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, a post I cobbled together after spending my entire morning exploiting McDonald’s free wifi thanks to a power outage at my house. I haven’t eaten McDonald’s food sober in probably a decade, so the inside of that restaurant, in the daylight, was basically a brand new experience for me. While I gathered today’s TCWM, I put together a timeline of my observations. Hopefully you’ll be able to share the simultaneous horror and genuine curiosity I felt, which is a reference to my entire time there, and not just the brief, painful moments it took for the food to rocket out of me. Enjoy.

Working From McDonald’s Observations:

6:50 AM: Arrival. Order sandwich and coffee. Approximate temp of each respectively: Room, Surface of Sun.

7:15 AM: Destroy roof of mouth attempting first sip of coffee.

7:16 AM: Dump ice into coffee, ruining artisinal roast flavor.

7:42 AM: Coffee has taken effect. Pack up laptop and head to bathroom for realization of nightmare.

8:37 AM: Observe first not morbidly obese customer of the day.

8:45 AM: Overhear the word “Obama” for the third time.

9:02 AM: Observe second not morbidly obese customer arrive. He’s on a bike. In his backpack a tupperware container of vegetables is clearly visible. He enters, orders nothing, sits at the table next to me, and takes out a cell phone. He proceeds to speak what sounds like Portuguese, sob audibly for several minutes, then leaves.

9:22 AM Email Fish a link to what I believe is Kesha revealing her vagina. I need him experiencing the same mental anguish as me.

9:25 AM: Receive text from power company moving estimated restoration time from 9:30AM to 12:30PM.

9:26 AM: Consider weaving rope with French fries to hang myself.

9:39 AM: Observes old, old, old, old, fucking crazy old man putting sunshade in windshield before hobbling inside.

9:47 AM: Observes employee leaving. As the sun hits her face, she looks like Andy Dufresne after he falls out of the sewage tunnel.

9:55 AM: Observe two ladies leaving. They were sitting behind me for over an hour. I now know the following things about them:
– Holy shit, there was a man with them the whole time. He didn’t say one word.
– They are planning a Carnival cruise.
– They have ruled out Mexico, Central America, and the Bahamas.
– Leonard doesn’t feel it’s necessary to have Mickey Mouse parading around his cruise ship for double the price.
– There is no need to choose a large ship with multiple restaurants. They’re probably just going to the main dining room anyway.
– Allegiant Airlines flies out of Harrisburg, but you have to be very careful with them and their fees. Southwest flies out of Philly, and they give you two check bags free.
– If they could find a reasonable way to get to New York, they could just leave from there and avoid purchasing airfare.
– Good luck, ladies and silent man. Hopefully the cruise goes smoother than the time your bus broke down on the way to The Creation Museum.

9:57 AM: Observes old, old, old, old, fucking crazy old man returning to car, which has not become dangerously overheated in 18 minutes. (It is currently 79 degrees)

10:04 AM: Observes a man confirm with another customer “Is this the store newspaper?”

10:08 AM: Checks power company outage update page. Miracles aren’t real.

10:16 AM: Observes man getting into purple convertible PC Cruiser with store newspaper tucked under arm.

10:24 AM: Wonders how long it will take for a manager to come over and ask why I’m just sitting here downloading pictures of women’s butts.

10:27 AM: Downloads picture of Maitland Ward’s butt.

10:29 AM: Braces for lunch menu changeover. Considers taking cover.

10:35 AM: Wonders if hair will ever not smell like french fries again.

10:44 AM: Checks power company outage update page. Fucking motherfucker.

10:48 AM: It looks like rain. I could have deduced this using my eyes, but thankfully I didn’t have to after hearing multiple people say it to one another.

10:49 AM: Downloads picture of Kim Kardashian’s huge, disgusting, fat ass.

10:50 AM: Downloads picture of Kim Kardashian’s huge, disgusting, fat nipples.

10:53 AM: Still waiting for “WHY CAN’T I GET BREAKFAST?!” outburst. You owe me this, universe.

11:04 AM: Concludes look on most drive-thru customers’ faces is a combination of junkie-copping, self-loathing, and desperation to leave parking lot before being recognized.

11:05 AM: Download picture of Joanna Krupa’s butt.

11:06 AM: Observes obese man in sweatshorts and leather vest cross four lanes of traffic to get to this McDonalds.

11:07 AM: Hears customer at soda machine on opposite end of restaurant say “Yo, just so you know, this girl right here? She bites. There’s a fresh bruise on my skin right here.”

11:08 AM: Checks power company outage update page. YAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS! *kisses fingers, throws hand up, bangs light fixtue, gets showered with dust*

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty