Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, which is another sizeable chunk of celebrity fuckery, and no, that’s not a euphemism for Jon Hamm‘s penis for once. This platter of sausages, however, that Heidi Klum is holding near her face probably is, because not only is she amazingly hot, but also schooled in the art of suggestion. Well played, Klum, well played. We’ve also got Alec Baldwin who is just so virile and healthy and probably brings his young wife to endless orgasm is what I think we’re all supposed to believe by now, as well as Criss Angel whose greatest illusion until now was concealing the fact that he is actually a 53 year old female middle school receptionist from Utah, and finally, would the Academy please just preemptively give Matthew McConaughey the award for Best Actor before he actually gives himself AIDS? For christsakes, this man has children to feed.
And now, for the not-giving-a-fuckiest moment in the history of not giving a fuck,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
The land of beer and people who like me? OF COURSE I’M STAYING!
her face is almost as frozen as Marie’s.
There is a whole lot of penis terror in that room.
Is THAT what the magic underwear looks like?
Little known fact: Melanomas can grow to the size of a head. And often grow hair.
She always looked stoned out of her gourd. And like a trashier Megan Fox.
Oh snap, dude, Biebs and Selena are back together!
It looks like the tuck tape is slipping or s/he is starting to sport a chub.
Having been told he walks and dresses like a sissy, Jim Toth responds by throwing a drink like a sissy.
If Lindsay Lohan and a Real Doll were to make a baby, this is what it would look like.
“I command you to stare at my crotch for no longer than 5 seconds. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4 and half….”
best she’s looked in a long while.
No, grandpa! We take you home first then you get your apple sauce.
I’ll add my name to the choir and say “Dat Ass!”
(looks at glass reflection outside Starbucks)
“…………..so beatnik…..so fucking beatnik….”
By the looks of him, he’s drinking a broth made largely of tuberculosis.
Middlebrook 7H9 is a great broth for M. tuberculosis. Lowenstein-Jensen is good too.
+1s for the science references!
Don’t tell me, tell him!
Looks like she ordered the Number 8, “The Kim Karsdashian.”
she’s cute, but I need a chick to have thumbs
Looks like that dress has the Daytime Running Lights option.
How does a Kosovar Albanian can end up looking like a hybrid between Dolly Parton and Tila Tequila?
Who’s that in front of him, Otto from Sons of Anarchy sans facial hair and eyepatch?
How come Nat Geo’s “Taboo” hasn’t done a special on this guy yet?
“The only way is up”? That’s a funny title for a book written by someone who got to where she is on her back.
To be fair to her, when she’s on her back she is looking up.
Next stop for that dress…Elvis painting!
Janice, please! I’m married…To someone 60 years younger than you!
My latest record just hit Number 1 in Germany!
She is beautiful and so is he. They’ll make gorgeous children if they can escape the Bruce/Demi curse.
Because he clearly did so well with his firstborn, this man should have another one…
For my next trick, I’ll kiss this woman without vomiting…BLECCCCCCCCCCH…Okay, I admit it…Magic isn’t real.
The aura of genius emanating from this picture is making my skin tingle.
Adam Lambert in a few decades.
“Heyyyyyy sexy lady, WOOT WOOT WOOT”
he’s wearing less accessories than usual. typically he looks like he rolled around in Sandford & Son’s junkyard while covered in glue
Befuddled
If you look like the bottom half of Elmo, you could be in for a surprise.
“Time to die, Mr. Burton”
Seriously?!
No one fucking got that reference?
Two girls with green eyes?!?!?
Hey Criss—I’m going to click a pink arrow and make you disappear!
Ridiculous
PHOTOGRAPHER: “Hmmmmmmm…there’s an interesting looking black woman, smoking a cigarette. I think I’ll take her picture. 3..2..1…click. AW DAMMIT Kim how did you get into ANOTHER one of my shots?!?”
Pfft, remember about the time he guest started on Miami Vice he was the hottest property in Hollywood? Someone played their cards wrong.
that doll’s face appears to be saying “her son did WHAT??”
(too soon?)
Goofy style. Great Ass!
She slipped a nice tit at a concert at Wembley Stadium over the weekend. It was beautiful.
“ohhhhhh, so this is where the burning tires smell is coming from…”
Well, that’s ONE way to make sure you don’t lose another wife to lesbianism.
Baby Face Finster
she’s only a tiny drip of drool away from looking utterly catatonic…and sexy.
Her book!!!! WTF
Want to scare the living fuck out of someone? Sneak this doll into their house and leave it where it’s the first thing they see when they get home and turn on the lights. (Not sure if that falls under ‘Negligent Homicide’ so you are on your own.)
hahahahaa
omg over there–
on the ground-
a cheesburger!
Something must have reminded them of the time they saw Daddy showering with his Xenu probe.