The Crap We Missed – Friday 9.30.11

September 30th, 2011 // 552 Comments

If this is a brochure for your school, now would be a good time to dropout and focus on how you’re going to wage emotional revenge on your parents over the next 20 years for sending you there because clearly they hate you.

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed, coming at you early because there’s literally nothing going on and, well, it’s Friday. So here’s the long and short of it: The Munchkin Guild instructs Jay Z to tell Gwyneth Paltrow her children’s garments have been rendered – and maybe drive her to the Piggly Wiggly, Orlando Bloom still can’t believe all this only cost him his first born son on his fifth birthday (They stop being cute after that anyway.) and the saddest moment in David Hasselhoff‘s entire life. I’m talking one of his daughters could die and he’d be like, “Remember when I couldn’t get a burger? Now that’s emotional turmoil that shakes you to very core.”

Attention all nerds who know who Vampirella is, you’ll need some spare Underoos handy,

- The Superficial

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame, Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. David Hasselhoff Burger Joint
    Richard McBeef
    Commented on this photo:

    They have tables to eat at in there so it really isn’t the Hoff’s kind of burger joint.

  2. j-sin

    Damn, my dick is longer than one of her legs. Stubby McStumpStump.

  3. Christina Ricci Bathrobe
    celebutard
    Commented on this photo:

    Bangs. Excellent choice.

  4. David Hasselhoff Burger Joint
    Buddy the Elf
    Commented on this photo:

    “COME ON! They would totally open up for me in Germany.”

  5. Prince William
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “Thanks ever so much for allowing me to live a life of luxury without having to actually work! I feel like Paris Hilton…”

    • Leonidas

      a) The public don’t really pay very much tax for the support of the royals (something minimal like 80 pence per month).
      b) He does work, as an RAF rescue helicopter pilot – which means that he probably works much harder than you, and is much more of an asset to society than what you are, my Seppo friend.

      • Richard McBeef

        an asset society my ass. I hope to shit you are british because americans should have quit giving a shit about these inbred assholes in 1776.

      • Ava

        He’s not really British, but a German kraut. The royal family changed their name to Windsor because their really last name, Mountbatten, sounded to Germanic.

      • Frank The Duck

        More to the point they changed their name to Windsor from Hanover and this waste of space’s grandmother is 255/256 German. I do not , by the way, consider flying coast guard helicopters to be anything but tax supported labour for the idle rich. I stand by my original statement about these worthless turds whose time has passed…

      • Mike Walker

        Most Brits are of Germanic origin so it’s a moot point.

      • Nik

        hi Pippa.

      • Deryn

        Look, y’all, I don’t come to Superficial to learn anything.

    • Mike Walker

      The Royals draw in a significant amount of foreign tourist dollars, so they may be a positive net investment. Take away the Beefeaters, Buckingham palace and other Royal bric a brac and there’s not much iconic imagery to draw upon.

      • RIchard McBeef

        I give a million more fucks about the goddamn KC Royals than anything those blue blood assholes are doing.

      • Leonidas

        I’m not sure why having a German heritage is a problem? In any case, try Googling “Anglia”, my Seppo friends. I guess someone who risks his life rescuing people out of the ocean really is less of an asset to society than some fat, opinionated Seppo bastard who lives in his mother’s basement.

      • RIchard McBeef

        At least I can sit my fat opinionated bastard ass in my mom’s basement without a lifetime of having my pillows fluffed and my balls cupped on the taxpayer’s dime.

        go brush your teeth, limey cunt.

      • Just Saying...

        I think I love you, Richard. Is there a Mrs. McBeef?

    • Leonidas

      “Is there a Mrs McBeef?”… ha ha ha ha ha *wipes tear from eye*… Actually, there is a Mrs McBeef – she’s an old gym sock. Listen you ignorant Seppo prick, let me spell it out for you: PRINCE WILLIAM DOES NOT EARN A SALARY FOR HIS ROYAL DUTIES. He does nothing “on the taxpayer’s dime”, as you put it in your charming rustic Seppo manner. You Yanks, on the other hand, have got all your priorities right when it comes to “the taxpayer’s dimes” – that’s why your country hasn’t defaulted on its gigantic debt…

  6. Orlando Bloom Miranda Kerr Runway
    Buddy the Elf
    Commented on this photo:

    Every woman there is trying to burn her with their eyes.

  7. Kesha
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    Apparently they have a lot of Taggers in Rio….

  8. Prince William
    Buddy the Elf
    Commented on this photo:

    “Jolly good show. Pip pip. Cheerio old mate.”

  9. Orlando Bloom Miranda Kerr Runway
    Richard McBeef
    Commented on this photo:

    Look at the catty bitch stares from Chelsea Handler and her equally ugly friend back there. It would be in her best interest to not go to places where attractive women can be found.

  10. Selma Blair
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “Welcome to my crib…”

  11. Marion Cotillard
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “I just shit myself….”

  12. Whitney Port No Make Up
    Dick
    Commented on this photo:

    Why the long face?

  13. Amanda Seyfried Hugging Dog
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    I knew she was lazy but to be photographed actually “Fucking the Dog” in the middle of the business day is just careless…

  14. Orlando Bloom Miranda Kerr Runway
    Commented on this photo:

    It looks like he’s elbowing all the ladies around him saying, “See? See that? That’s what I stick my dick into!”

    To be honest, I’d probably be smiling, too.

  15. Elton John David Furnish Dolphin
    Richard McBeef
    Commented on this photo:

    That dolphin is relieved that he isn’t the gayest thing at Sea World today.

  16. Deena Cortese Minidress Legs
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    If I had strange little troll fingers I’d try to distract people with my foot tattoos as well.

  17. Deena Cortese Minidress Legs
    Coyote
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes this is Crap, But I did NOT miss it.

  18. Jay Z Midget
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    Another freakishly tall NBA player…

  19. Deena Cortese Minidress Legs
    chris breezy boxing academy
    Commented on this photo:

    the shoot was for an PSA about those one piece school desk/chairs and the fat girls who can’t fit in them

  20. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    celebutard
    Commented on this photo:

    Geez, her ass looked great from the back but now it looks like she’s got balls.

  21. 50 Cent Headphones
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “That’s what I sound like?”

  22. Orlando Bloom Miranda Kerr Runway
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that Joe Pesci in the back? Does Miranda Kerr amuse him? Is she like a clown to him?

  23. Henry Winkler Penguins SeaWorld
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “Finally, a nun I can relate to!”

  24. Christina Ricci Bathrobe
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Bad casting. Everyone knows that all women in the ’60s had great racks.

  25. Kanye West
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “Geez, I just ot a whiff of Chris Brown’s ass!!!”

  26. Christina Ricci Bathrobe
    Coyote
    Commented on this photo:

    That can’t be Christina Ricci, Christina Ricci is only 5 feet tall

  27. Prince William
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    “Why yes, that is my grammy on the money . . .”

  28. David Hasselhoff Burger Joint
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey! Do you have a burger that tastes like floor? No? Damnit. Let’s roll, posse!”

  29. Lea Michele Cleavage
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “No really it was a gift! Shoplifting? Never!”

  30. Elton John David Furnish Dolphin
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Flipper is about to be introduced to buggery.

  31. Kesha
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF?

  32. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    chris breezy boxing academy
    Commented on this photo:

    dumb whores don’t know nothing about no trigger discipline

  33. Robert Pattinson Scruffy Beard
    Commented on this photo:

    I thought he was the vampire, not the werewolf.

    • TomFrank

      He’s taking a leaf from Michael Sheen, who’s played both: first a werewolf in the Underworld movies, and then a vampire in The Damned United.

  34. Sarah Silverman
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    “What?? Jimmy Kimmel has a better car than me???”

  35. Selma Blair
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    “Perrier. Do you not have fucking Perrier?”

  36. Whitney Port No Make Up
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah. That “coffee” was totally vodka.

  37. Amanda Seyfried Hugging Dog
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d watch that porno.

  38. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    Frank The Duck
    Commented on this photo:

    Delicate flower…. and so demure…

  39. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    Commented on this photo:

    Aren’t you supposed to wash you hair before you shoot commercials?

  40. 50 Cent Headphones
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    I-nailed-Chelsea-Handler? face.

  41. Vanessa Hudgens Bra
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s right, keep going. You’re far more relevant with your top off.

  42. Kesha
    tinklepants
    Commented on this photo:

    Hmmm, performing… or taking a dump on stage? It’s hard to tell which even when she’s not squatting down and grimacing.

  43. Henry Winkler Penguins SeaWorld
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Aaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy . . .

    • Rupert Giles

      You took the Aaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy right out of my Coach Kline. Its hard not to picture him wearing red heels and stamping his foot…”I hate him I hate him I hate him”

  44. Kanye West
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh, snap! When did I eat THAT?!?

  45. Sarah Silverman
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    She annoys me. I wish I wanted to screw her less.

  46. Shia LaBeouf Smoking
    tinklepants
    Commented on this photo:

    Jeez, between this guy and Pattinson, there must be a douchebag convention in Canada.

  47. Harry Connick Jr
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    “You talkin’ to me, bitches?”

  48. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Now THAT’S a well-shaven bush.

  49. Prince William
    Commented on this photo:

    Y’know, for a guy who doesn’t have to give a shit, he looks pretty genuine.

  50. Jay Z Midget
    BlackAndWhiteMinstrel
    Commented on this photo:

    Quick, what’s a half and three fifths?

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