The Canadian Christ Child Speaks

February 16th, 2011 // 269 Comments

“And Jesus went about all Galilee… healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people. Until his moms told him to come in.”

Rolling Stone had the brilliant idea of asking 16-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber his thoughts on hot button political topics because there’s no way a Canadian kid privy to all of Hollywood and its excess, yet groomed to be the Messiah wouldn’t spew out some gems. And to his credit, he actually manages to offend everyone. I’m genuinely impressed.

On which political party he’d vote for:
“I’m not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”

On healthcare:
“You guys are evil. Canada’s the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.”

On war:
“Canada doesn’t go around attacking people.”

On homosexuality:
“It’s everyone’s own decision to do that. It doesn’t affect me and it shouldn’t affect anyone else.”

On religion:
“I feel I have an obligation to plant little seeds with my fans. I’m not going to tell them, ‘You need Jesus,’ but I will say at the end of my show, ‘God loves you.’”

On abortion:
“I really don’t believe in abortion. I think [an embryo] is a human. It’s like killing a baby. [In the case of rape], I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

On abstinence:
“I think you should just wait for the person you’re…in love with.”

I understand this kid is just learning the game, so here’s a friendly tip as my way of saying thanks for surprisingly not being the homophobe Christianity would prefer he’d be, and also all that socialized medicine talk: If you’re trying to have sex for the first time with your famous girlfriend, you’re gonna want to not broadcast it to Rolling Stone right after saying you’ll think she’s a murderer if she doesn’t keep the baby you accidentally put in her. I know, “girls are so weird,” but they’re holding all the vaginas. Now has someone talked to you about lying? I know you’re programmed not to, but it’s literally the only thing you can trust from here on out. A faithful sidearm, if you will. *pivots* I was at my brother’s!

See what I mean?

Photos: Fame

superficial

  1. Aggie

    I’m kind of impressed by this, he knew what all these words meant! Remember when he didn’t know what Germany was? (and yeah, I said “what”, not “where”)

  2. Aggie

    And let’s not hate on each other. The Superficial is meant to united us in our hate, not divide. Let’s be mean about Lindsay Lohan instead. That bitch is ugly. C’mon guys, it feels good!

  3. Rhialto

    That’s a pretty clever kid, 2×1 hand= 2 hands. But we shouldn’t waste our precious time. In what city are we going to look for a condo with private spa?

  4. Matcher

    I’m Canadian, and on behalf of those of us with a thinking brain, I sincerely apologize for us shoving this kid and his crap music down the world’s throat. Really. Sorry.

    • Kyosu

      Actually, Americans are the ones doing all the shoving despite the fact he’s Canadian.

      They should have asked him about the Canadian educational system. That would have been funny. I bet he was home schooled because his religious mom didn’t want him to be sent to the remedial class.

  5. Rhialto

    What does he say? He wants 10 kids?

  6. Assbestos

    The Beiber is right. Our health care makes us better than Americans. By default. EVIL!!

    Just kidding, God loves you.

  7. Rhialto

    Allright i get it. Even after 10 happy meals the world still turns around.

  8. Rhialto

    I’m counting 11 V-signs at least. One rainbow would have covered them all at once. Tell me something new.

  9. Nero

    Ya right, next post please!

  10. Irritating little puke.

  11. Nero

    After a life of hard and serious work the early retirement will be awaiting him. He’ll be able to do only the things what he’d really like.

  12. suck it

    Like Fish said, I am impressed he isn’t a homophobic whacky Christian like I thought he would come off as.
    I think I like him slightly more than before. That isn’t saying much, but it is better than nothing.

  13. Rhialto

    Not quite, for the right answers you’d better ask his mom.

  14. I lost him when he mentioned Korea. Can’t wait to see him in the last Harry potter movie.

  15. The Listener

    Justin’s comments did not show the least bit of anger or hostile intent, yet everyone hear is viciously attacking his personal viewpoint on different matters. He’s just being direct and honest based on the moral standards in which he was raised.

    As adults, we have learned how to be vague in our answers or avoid answering questions altogether that could offend others. And in this highly politically correct society, saying your personal beliefs even if it is stated in a completely benign manner will cause offense to others.

  16. Burt

    I never was that stupid at his age.

  17. Burt

    The Canadian educational system is great…He was home schooled.

  18. Dino Spumoni

    Interesting how much discussion this inspired. I think it’s kind of stupid people are getting their panties in a twist about other comments. And that other people think a diatribe with bad spelling is going to change someone’s mind. Kudos Trolls.

    Let’s face it, you change a lot as a person between 16 and adulthood. All of us said some retarded things when we were 16. Someone in his camp fucked up though by letting Rolling Stone ask some of these questions. Like someone already said, almost everyone can find something in here to be offended about. I foresee some major Bieber backlash.

    • Kyosu

      Dude, he’s a moron. Stop making excuses. I’ve heard 10 year old kids come up with more thoughtful arguments, and they weren’t coached by handlers.

  19. me

    “canada’s got great health care”
    “canada doesnt go around attacking people”

    then y dont u just fucking go back to Canada and leave us the hell aloooone?!

    • WallaWalla

      America has way better health care for rich people, no one’s arguing that. In fact, that’s the whole point.

  20. me

    I think the entire thing of it is this: You all are arguing over what a fifteen year old thinks. Now THAT’S comedy.

    hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    This kid is a freakin’ genious.

  21. TheyReAllGonnaLaff@U

    Bieber FTW! (See above thread) LOL

  22. Only 16

    This kind of reaction to what he’s saying is only going to make him more of a puppet who says “Everything is great! Everyone is great! I love everything!”, cause his handlers are going to chew him out.
    Do you remember when you were 16? To be asked questions like those from Rolling Stone would be insane.
    You would put your foot in your mouth for sure. We all would.

    This kid’s alright. Just a kid. It’s kind of refreshing to hear some opinions from these people.

    • Sorry, it’s not “refreshing” to have some unthinking numbskull of a 16 year old blather on about how “everything happens for a reason” and then try to rationalize rape and a subsequent pregnancy as God’s will. Shit, even when I was a kid I would have seen a little bit of a crack there in that solid wall of smuggery. The fact that he doesn’t know what exactly the reason might be in no way reduces the dribbling idiocy of the “logic”. By that same rationale, everyone who’s broke, bankrupt or otherwise suffering due to the “evil” US healthcare system is just following along with God’s precious plan, too.

      And most 16 year olds I know aren’t as stupid as this, either. The problem with home schooling is that you aren’t exposed to points of view other than the ones your parents have.

  23. Rebecca

    Not all Christians are homophobes. There are many denominations within the Christian faith that welcome gays (every one of them should). It pains my heart to know that certain people (too many) have given us all a bad name and have pushed people away from God. As Christians, we are to love each other and show compassion for each other. We are no better than anyone else, we are ALL sinners. Every one of us can be saved… gay people too. If anything, may God bless them for all the HURT they have had to deal with and all the MISTREATMENT. Our God certainly, certainly does not welcome hate.

    So why do people ostracize gays? God also warns against adultery, drunkenness, sexual impurity and divorce. And you know what? His Word says that by the blood of Christ we are forgiven if we repent and ask Jesus into our hearts. Then we will know God. We are not perfect; God knows this. He is a compassionate and loving God. I am sorry for the long post, but I NEEDED to say something.

    GOD BLESS YOU BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

  24. DFCtomm

    God damn the Rolling Stone for making me want to defend the bieb, God damn them.

  25. lils

    He’s making everybody fight!!!

  26. W.T.

    I don’t know if you (Fish writer) read comments, but I suspect that you do. You need to rethink your position on religion. Many of us find you pretty funny, but your attempts at actual criticism fall considerably short. It’s as if you read a little Dawkins/Hitchens, believe in a faith/reason dichotomy and can’t even define the word “ontology”. Read more. Think more. And then maybe you won’t make such idiotic generalizations as “thanks for surprisingly not being the homophobe Christianity would prefer he’d be”. If you rethink these things, you may become less bitter, which would probably mean that you would stop writing this site, which would ultimately be better for all of us…

    • J.B.

      I’m not sure I follow your logic. You, like “many of us,” (your friends, a fan club, the voices in your head?) find the writer of this site “pretty funny.” However, if he rethinks his position on religion, he might become “less bitter” and would probably stop writing this site, which would be… “better for all of us”? Because this site shouldn’t exist? Because someone tedious/witless/unfunny should be writing it instead? Why do you come here, if not to be entertained by this particular individual’s take on pop culture?

      The fact that he’s open with regards to his views on politics and religion is something some readers seem to want to dissuade, but as moments like this have come up again and again, he hasn’t backed down in the slightest. So perhaps you should learn to skim it, skip sections entirely, or find another site if you can’t reconcile your views with your readership here, if only to save yourself the grief of seeing your complaints fall on apathetic if not deaf ears.

      More to the point: Your objection to the way in which Christianity is addressed in this article is incredibly vague. You basically said, “Neener-neener, I’m smarter than you,” and then vaguely quoted what I guess you felt was an inappropriate or fallacious sentence in the article before laying down an ad hominem, “Oh, and you’re bitter, BTW.” Even if that’s true, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s wrong. The quote you sampled seems completely reasonable on the writer’s part, given the context of this post and given most conversations about Christianity. Why? Because although a person might be referring to Christianity as a kind of supernatural force in some cases, depending on the circumstances and particularly if one is inclined to believe in such a thing, to a nonbeliever, Christianity is simply an institution, one that is inhabited by people, many of whom, likewise to your point, can’t define ontology and haven’t read a thing to truly justify their zealous and sometimes virulent beliefs. If you want to have a high-minded philosophical conversation about Christianity, clearly this site is not the place to have it. Here, there are breasts and cocaine addicts and Spider-man blow-up dolls getting butt-fucked in parking lots.

      Here, “Christianity” and “politics” are not reflections of haughty intellectual discourse but, within the scope of the writer’s values, personal or controversial as they may be, merely facilitate satire through an absurd point of reference, and topics like Justin Bieber and Sarah Palin are about as far from legitimate conversations about God and country as you can get.

    • WallaWalla

      Are you new to jokes, or what?

  27. dead peter

    Canada seems pretty hostile to me. Is there any clearer declaration of war than “Bieber fever”?

  28. Frank Rizzo

    He’s the Tim Tebow of pop music.

  29. the captain

    I’m happy now: THIS CANADIAN WILL FAIL IN LIFE.

    …………bet?

  30. 2 sense

    Yes..Johnny Cage… a dump. Very impressed with your comments. Who helped you?

  31. Justin Bieber
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    If this kid lived when the Neverland Ranch was around, his ass would totally be filled with albino sperm.

  32. Christopher

    Who taught you to buckle your jacket buckle, Justin???? They did a pretty bad job!!!

  33. Flatulus

    Hell, yeah!!! I remember reading about those brave Canuks and how they bore the brunt of the Korean war and how they took over the Afghan war and how they were the deciding factor in World War II !!!
    Hell, yeah! Canada scares the shit out of the world!!
    “Canada, the sole superpower on Earth!” Tremble in fear, bitches! We will ride our moose down there and shove our maple syrup down your throats!
    E Pluribus Molsons!

  34. M

    USA defends Canada? last time i checked they tried invading and pussied out after realizing the British would get involved

    racist prayer rug comments?
    sounds like a bunch of hateful Americans respond with racist and ignorant statements that reaffirm the sentiment and reality that even Justin is able to see and tries to express.

    i guess America saved us from….Hitler? right Big Bad Adi..who only opposed the mongrel nation south of us threatened Canada…..right…..
    …maybe from the Japanese ? i mean, its really not that hard to find an American who thinks Pearl Harbor near Vancouver

    did America save us from the Vietnamese/communist invasion that never seemed to happen? or the weapons of mass destruction that were never found and oddly everyone stopped talking about in the press at the exact time?

    i love the USA>…..they team up on Germany 3 on 1 or attack some third world country to convince you how tough they are

    how can you not love someone so goofy trying so hard?

    The way Americans romanticize the civil war or power hungry hyper masculine sociopaths …i mean businessmen……shows they want to be respected as one of the “boys” among the Western former Imperial powers..

    the thing is…>BUsh was no Bismarck….Washington was no Ceasar….
    Getting some Pollack to help train the calvary is a sign Washington was no military man .

    USa—postwar dominance that is now fading? maybe cuz it was all a fluke ?

    USA = 50 years….lol…only slightly better than the dozen or so years the Nazis managed to hold their own…..
    that is like what? 1/10 of the time Rome ruled?
    you guys have tones of money, technology,,etc ..etc…ww2 paved the way for American dominance a…..and you still can’t get it right….
    what is the difference between Canada and the USA? USA is the former colony that tries to rid of its inferiority complex by making fantastic statements about their power and influence and Canadians are just proud.
    AMerica’s is Europe’s inbred shame…that would best locked in a box somewhere along with the other failed experiments and embarrassment like cheese in a spray can and democracy

  35. mpath1

    I know this comment is coming late and probably no one will read it (or care), but his “[Americans] are evil….” comment was said in jest. Yes, he was joking. The complete transcripts have (laughs) written after the words. (Honestly if he’d really said (and meant) something that controversial, it would’ve made MAJOR news)

    Listen, I’m no fan of this effeminate kid at all, but this quote misrepresents his intentions with that comment. So lighten up folks.

    ….and now back to our regularly scheduled T&A! :)

  36. Brooke

    Good god, this kid’s never heard of Germany and now we find out he’s just as clueless with Asian countries. “There are TWO KOREAS!? Preposterous!”

    Though it always kind of bothers me when American magazines ask for political opinions, especially when the celebrity in question is a nitwit 16-year-old Canook.

  37. blechhh

    If Bieber over here is sooo worried about his bodyguard’s doctor fees, why doesn’t he use his millions to pay for it? asswipe. I say we kick him out of America and never let him come back.

  38. Jas

    Let’s stop it with the hate people!!!

    Geez – the only thing I have to say is I genuinely don’t think Bieber meant “homosexuality is a choice” he DID say that, but I think he meant it’s their choice to live what’s right in their heart, or push it way down. That’s how I took it when I read it.

    His answers are just sooooo….. Canadian.

    I’m Canadian and yes of course we don’t have a big army or a crazy militaristic reputation – but we’re OK with that, honestly. If you take any PoliSci class in uni, you’ll learn that this was our choice.

    I completely understand that because the USA resonates so strongly with the above mentioned reputation, that naturally, they feel it is the best. Ethnocentrism is natural and human – just like Canaidans, as our paradigm is “lets be peaceful, let’s have universal healthcare, let’s just get along with everyone” so WE feel this is the best!

    Cant we not just agree to disagree??

    I remember in Polisci someone was bashing our army and how it’s so puny and sad, and our prof said this is a terrible arguement because we CHOOSE this – it’s not like we try and fail.

    Anyway… dont want to be long winded. America and Canada both have their plus, and their minuses! If Bieber loves being Canadian, leave him be. I am sure Americans love being American!

    Or, let’s all try to just love being HUMAN – stop it with this hate crap.

  39. Emma

    Um the whole world hates America, and Americans are just too dumb to know it! You are the most ignorant, brain washed, insular people in the world and should be embarrassed.

  40. Justin Believer

    Glad 2 say that rolling stone has issued an apology 2 d Biebs for jus abt misquoting his whole entire article…. he’s freakin 16 yrs old idk why they felt d need 2 ask him those questions then misquote him on it but I guess they gtta do what they gtta do 2 sell magazines & mak money

  41. Person

    Americans won’t admit that their country is fucked up! Because they have too much “pride”,they are full of themselves,they think they are better than all of us. Well guess what? In reality you are all really dumb,you can’t even point on the map and say this is were I live,you need to pay mortgage to actually have somewhere to sleep in,you are broke because you have to pay for your medical bills even though you have health insurance…I’m no expert but I would rather live in unknown country like Slovenia than America!

  42. Immature

    Plant little seeds. Teehee

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